I hate how every time things go very badly and I can't see a way out of a situation, I start thinking of killing myself. Every heartbreak I've had, I've seriously considered suicide. I can just be plain overwhelmed and I will be trying to find a way to kill myself that will actually work this time. But then when it comes down to doing the actual act, I never can seem to go through with it. I always seem to think of something that makes me hesitate- usually how someone else would feel after I'm gone. And I'm a little afraid of what comes next. I do believe in ghosts and hell. I believe in heaven, but I don't think I'd go there if I killed myself. Or if I didn't live a life that made me worthy of heaven. And looking at my life, I don't I'd be worthy. But the life I'm living is really hard and no one can seem to help me. I have no money- no one does nowadays. I have applied for subsidized housing, but there's a waiting list and it could be years before anything happened. I have trouble paying for my medication, but I already have Medicaid and Medicare, so there's really nothing else I can get. I live off of a social security check. I have to pay nearly 80% of my income just to have a roof over my head. And the bills still keep coming. My mom has been sick for a while- she has had pain in her stomach/shoulder/chest/arm for months. None of the doctors can figure out why. I hate seeing my mom in pain and there's nothing I can do. I feel useless. My niece calls me a mean nickname like 'butthead' or 'bitch' more often than she calls me "Elizabeth". She will hit you and scream at you whenever you speak around her, whether you're talking to her/about her or not. And she is only four years old. My mom and that little girl were my main reasons for holding on. But why would I want to live just to be called a bitch for the rest of my life and not be able to do anything about it? And I hate seeing my mom in pain. I can't seem to make my life better. I have just held on for so many months. I eat when I can and get out of the house as much as possible. I go to my appointments and I fill out every application I can find for assistance with rent/food/medicine. I am living off of $30 a week. I am surviving, but I feel empty. Life is such a struggle and I'm tired. I really don't want to hold on if it's just going to be more of the same. But then I can't seem to just kill myself and get it over with.