Scared

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by faithgone, Mar 10, 2014.

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  1. faithgone

    faithgone Member

    I hate how every time things go very badly and I can't see a way out of a situation, I start thinking of killing myself. Every heartbreak I've had, I've seriously considered suicide. I can just be plain overwhelmed and I will be trying to find a way to kill myself that will actually work this time. But then when it comes down to doing the actual act, I never can seem to go through with it. I always seem to think of something that makes me hesitate- usually how someone else would feel after I'm gone. And I'm a little afraid of what comes next. I do believe in ghosts and hell. I believe in heaven, but I don't think I'd go there if I killed myself. Or if I didn't live a life that made me worthy of heaven. And looking at my life, I don't I'd be worthy. But the life I'm living is really hard and no one can seem to help me. I have no money- no one does nowadays. I have applied for subsidized housing, but there's a waiting list and it could be years before anything happened. I have trouble paying for my medication, but I already have Medicaid and Medicare, so there's really nothing else I can get. I live off of a social security check. I have to pay nearly 80% of my income just to have a roof over my head. And the bills still keep coming. My mom has been sick for a while- she has had pain in her stomach/shoulder/chest/arm for months. None of the doctors can figure out why. I hate seeing my mom in pain and there's nothing I can do. I feel useless. My niece calls me a mean nickname like 'butthead' or 'bitch' more often than she calls me "Elizabeth". She will hit you and scream at you whenever you speak around her, whether you're talking to her/about her or not. And she is only four years old. My mom and that little girl were my main reasons for holding on. But why would I want to live just to be called a bitch for the rest of my life and not be able to do anything about it? And I hate seeing my mom in pain. I can't seem to make my life better. I have just held on for so many months. I eat when I can and get out of the house as much as possible. I go to my appointments and I fill out every application I can find for assistance with rent/food/medicine. I am living off of $30 a week. I am surviving, but I feel empty. Life is such a struggle and I'm tired. I really don't want to hold on if it's just going to be more of the same. But then I can't seem to just kill myself and get it over with.
     
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hey, I am so sorry to read what you wrote. One thing that comes to mind is that your niece sounds like she is in a lot of pain. She may be having a lot of problems in her life. Do you think thats a possibility? It may not be personal toward you at al. But rather just projecting out what she is feeling inside. I dont know. But, she may need you a lot. I dont know. Surely it sounds like your mom does. Believe me, i understand the desire die. I surely do. But I also know that I cant do it. I am not convinced I would go to a very good place if I did it. Also, I cannot hurt my mother. She has been hurt enough. Thats for sure.

    I do have a suggestion for you re financial stuff. Have you called the united way and asked them what help is out there for you financially. I think there may be help out there for people. But many do not know about it. Believe me, I am not saying that there is enough money or programs for people. Because that is not the case. I just think that maybe there is some extra help programs for food or medication that maybe is not well known.

    I will not go into what i really think of how things are for too many people. Suffice to say I understand. If you want to try to call united way to see where you can call to see if there is some help you are not aware of, the phone number is usually 211. No matter where it is in the US.

    Again, I am sorry things are so hard for you. You are not alone. And it is not your fault. But that doesnt help knowing it is not your fault when you are trying to find out how to pay for things.
     
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    First you posting has taken a lot of courage. Life can be tough and sometimes we see why bother. I been through the situation where everyday seems to get hard when you hit rock bottom. We all hit bottom in our lives in one way or another. Dealing with family members is hard but you will find people from all walks of life on this forum sharing their experience on this forum. Please do not think you are alone, as you will find support here. All I can say please take care and keep posting.
     
  4. faithgone

    faithgone Member

    I know my niece really needs help. She's four and already acting as badly as her mother did when she was a teenager. My mom refuses to put her in therapy. She's going to playgroup now so she can be around other kids, but I don't think just putting her with kids her age will turn things around. I know the stuff she says and does isn't against me personally. I am just a lot more sensitive to it because I've been bullied in the past, being called a bitch every day, even by my family members. But my mom is her guardian, I can't make her do anything. She said she would put the baby in therapy but changed her mind because the only therapy there is for four-year-olds is in-home services. Someone would come to our house. Mom doesn't want that because she doesn't want people seeing my sister's fiancee (the baby treats him the worst, and automatically acts up whenever he is around). She is only four, so it's not like we can get her to talk things out. I know she is hurting. But my mom won't stop her mother from seeing her and I know my mom is adamant that Lisa has a right to see her.
    I will try calling 211. I have called before but maybe you're right and there's a program I haven't heard of. I'm a little embarrassed to talk to people face-to-face about not having food or clothes. Thank you for your kind words, both of you. It is kind of helping to vent my feelings out. And I'm a lot less likely to hurt anyone on here by saying these things than I am by saying them to the people involved.
     
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    yes. please keep talking and venting here. Sounds like you see more clearly than the rest of your family. But it may also feel like there is nothing you can do to help. That can leave someone feeling powerless because it is others who have the legal control. And they are not the ones who are able to make the most sound decisions. Thats a terribly frustrating and painful position to be in. Especially when there is a little child to be protected and helped. Even if I got it wrong, its still as frustrating and painful. So please do keep talking/venting. Its important. So hard for people when they feel powerless over circumstances.

    Maybe the teacher in her playgroup will think of a way to get help for your niece, even if its something your mom doesnt want. I can totally see why your niece's words would trigger you. Of course, considering they are reinforcing what you heard all your life from others. I imagine she may be mirroring what she hears spoken to her as well. How sad for you both.

    I hope your niece gets help. I know it is not in your power to do that. i do hope the teacher will take matters into her own hand to get help for her. All too often, they do not. But hopefully your niece will get help.

    As for United way, I had to call twice with the same request. Because some of the people who answer the phones are more resourceful than others. one might know of something that many would not think of, if you know what I mean. I hope with all my heart that you can find some relief on some level for both finances/medical etc and also with the family issues. i think sometimes being the one who sees most clearly can make one very unpopular. They are demeaned for seeing things more clearly. I am sorry if this is happening to you. Although I do not know if it is :hug:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 11, 2014
  6. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    spend as much time as you can with your mum.
    encourage the niece to express her negativity in a lot of creative ways
     
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