Discussion in 'Welcome' started by SJF81, Aug 24, 2014.

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  1. SJF81

    SJF81 Member

    It's my 1st post on here. I've recently joined the forum to see if there's people out there that feel like I do.
    I'm a recently retired sportsman's, Ive suffered from anxiety for at least 8 years which I refused to acknowledge probably through the profession I was in and the basic fact I didn't want to talk to anyone about my issues. From the last 3 years I've suffered from depression quite heavily thoughts of sucide all the time. the last 8 months have been horrific I've quit playing the sport I loved the only thing id known. I've recently split with my wife. We have a 2 kids girl(8) boy(4) we've been together since 2004 after years off me putting my sport number 1 priority leaving her and the kids on the outside, also cheating on her very early on in our relationship which we worked through she ended it in November last year. She decided to give it another chance the next month were I thought it was going ok I made her and the kids a priority retired from my sport to aid in this. Until 2 weeks ago were she dropped the bombshell it's not working she just doesn't love me anymore she tried to make it work but couldn't.
    Obviously I'm beyond devastated I moved over to England when I was 19 and met her soon after so my whole adult life as I know it feels as though it's died. My heads a mess I don't know what to think or do I feel so isolated, alone and scared. This is on top of how I was feeling prior to this all happened so now it's escalating rapidly I tried in December to end it all but the thing that stopped me then was thinking about my kids I went to the doctors and started to get treatment but the thoughts didn't and haven't stopped even during the period my wife and I were trying to work it out it was still there. Since we have split up this time I'm all over the place like I said my whole world has basically been removed I'm still living in the house which my wife said was fine but as you can imagine seeing the person you love everyday who doesn't love you back is close to impossible but the alternative is moving out and not seeing my kids everyday I honestly couldn't deal with I don't know what I would do alone in a house by myself. Last Monday I started cutting at my wrists I was having one of my very bad days( I've cut before) and took a load of diazepam and honestly was letting whatever be would be.
    The only people I can speak to is my wife's friends, my other mates live in Australia and my mates here are still in sport it's just not something that's talked about and when I did bring it up with one of them our relationship has changed I could tell it freaked him out, so I've been in constant contact with her friends as they said they would be there for me and have been without doubt, the last week they've told my wife everything I've been saying to them, which in a way they had to cause they were scared for my safety and what I may do, My wife has took it completely the wrong way telling me I'm selfish think of what it would do to the kids and she's pissed off with me, but that's all I think about my kids and her are everything to me even though were split up but that doesn't make the thoughts stop i wish it did I really do.
    I hate the feeling but I hate just as much the feeling off that my whole world was has completely gone i feel like I'm mourning a death which probably sounds stupid but my wife 2 kids and sport is all I've had my adult life and now I'm terrified off what's next.

    I'm starting some more specific treatment next week for ex professional sportsman's which I hope can help cause I'm so scared were I'm heading now.
    Sorry it's a very long first post but once I got going everything came out.
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Welcome to SF. I am sorry that you are having such a horrible time. It does not sound at all stupid to say that it feels like mourning a death and it is not surprising that you are scared. I understand it feels like there is nothing left of the life you built, but that doesn't mean you can't move forward. It may feel that way, but there is a "next" and you need, now, to make it the best possible "next" for you.

    It is good that you will be getting some specialised treatment. I know it is hard in the UK to access mental health help but please make sure you are communicating completely with your doctor about suicidal thoughts and push to get all the help available.

    You still have your kids, if not your wife, and while you may not be a professional sportsman anymore, you still have the skills, discipline and experience that you built during your career. I understand it is hard to think about next, but that is what you need to do. Define what you want 'next' to look like (albeit without your wife) and put a plan in place to move toward that.

    Keep talking and stay safe :hug:
  3. SJF81

    SJF81 Member

    Thanks for the reply, I just can't see that far ahead that was my whole life I know nothing else they are all I've had I really hope the help works cause I'm sacred now where I'm going I'm cutting and taking painkillers more and more I know it's wrong and what it would do to them but I can't change my thoughts.
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