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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SJF81, Aug 24, 2014.

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  1. SJF81

    SJF81 Member

    It's my 1st post on here. I've recently joined the forum to see if there's people out there that feel like I do.
    I'm a recently retired sportsman's, Ive suffered from anxiety for at least 8 years which I refused to acknowledge probably through the profession I was in and the basic fact I didn't want to talk to anyone about my issues. From the last 3 years I've suffered from depression quite heavily thoughts of sucide all the time. the last 8 months have been horrific I've quit playing the sport I loved the only thing id known. I've recently split with my wife. We have a 2 kids girl(8) boy(4) we've been together since 2004 after years off me putting my sport number 1 priority leaving her and the kids on the outside, also cheating on her very early on in our relationship which we worked through she ended it in November last year. She decided to give it another chance the next month were I thought it was going ok I made her and the kids a priority retired from my sport to aid in this. Until 2 weeks ago were she dropped the bombshell it's not working she just doesn't love me anymore she tried to make it work but couldn't.
    Obviously I'm beyond devastated I moved over to England when I was 19 and met her soon after so my whole adult life as I know it feels as though it's died. My heads a mess I don't know what to think or do I feel so isolated, alone and scared. This is on top of how I was feeling prior to this all happened so now it's escalating rapidly I tried in December to end it all but the thing that stopped me then was thinking about my kids I went to the doctors and started to get treatment but the thoughts didn't and haven't stopped even during the period my wife and I were trying to work it out it was still there. Since we have split up this time I'm all over the place like I said my whole world has basically been removed I'm still living in the house which my wife said was fine but as you can imagine seeing the person you love everyday who doesn't love you back is close to impossible but the alternative is moving out and not seeing my kids everyday I honestly couldn't deal with I don't know what I would do alone in a house by myself. Last Monday I started cutting at my wrists I was having one of my very bad days( I've cut before) and took a load of diazepam and honestly was letting whatever be would be.
    The only people I can speak to is my wife's friends, my other mates live in Australia and my mates here are still in sport it's just not something that's talked about and when I did bring it up with one of them our relationship has changed I could tell it freaked him out, so I've been in constant contact with her friends as they said they would be there for me and have been without doubt, the last week they've told my wife everything I've been saying to them, which in a way they had to cause they were scared for my safety and what I may do, My wife has took it completely the wrong way telling me I'm selfish think of what it would do to the kids and she's pissed off with me, but that's all I think about my kids and her are everything to me even though were split up but that doesn't make the thoughts stop i wish it did I really do.
    I hate the feeling but I hate just as much the feeling off that my whole world was has completely gone i feel like I'm mourning a death which probably sounds stupid but my wife 2 kids and sport is all I've had my adult life and now I'm terrified off what's next.

    I'm starting some more specific treatment next week for ex professional sportsman's which I hope can help cause I'm so scared were I'm heading now.
    Sorry it's a very long first post but once I got going everything just come out i wasn't sure what subject topic to put it under either it covers everything.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Have you and wife seek marriage counseling together it can help even if she does not want to go YOU go ok get the therapy you need to move on to be there for your children
    They still need their dad they are very young. You can move on right now you are grieving it is normal ok you will grieve but the pain will lessen it will and you don't know what future will be . For your children for YOU get some therapy to help your through this very difficult time
  3. SJF81

    SJF81 Member

    I refused years ago as I was not ready to speak to a stranger about our/my problems it's taken me a long time and way to get here now. I'm trying to get the help I need for me it's just the whole culture change on top of my other issues I know they need there dad but i can't stop my own feelings
  4. You are suffering from typical male reticence but at least you recognize it and are doing your best to break out of it. It is not weakness to ask for and get help when you need it. On the other hand it's bone-headed not to.

    Divorce is never easy but it is particularly painful for men with children. Rise to the occasion, difficult as it is, and make your visitation time positive for your children.

    I don't know how it works in the UK but in the US typically guys get the short end of the stick with visitation rights. Fight, if you have to, for frequent and flexible visitation. Even though you don't feel like fighting. Too many men just give up, and while I don't judge them -- it usually has far more to do with the nastiness of a woman scorned than with an unwillingness on the father's part -- I would just urge you to not be intimidated by either your ex or the courts. You'll thank yourself later.

    If you feel you have any true friends (sorry, I guess you'd call them mates!) in your former sport associations, you should approach them privately and individually with your situation and you might be surprised at how responsive they might be. Of course if they are NOT true friends in your judgment, but are just out to have fun and posture with each other, then don't embarrass yourself. Nor should you bother if you think their judgment is poor. I'm talking about approaching someone you have a sense really cares for you as a real friend and has some wisdom and experience or at least a listening ear to offer.

    If that's not an option, then branch out and find other interests. Here in the States we have a site called meetup.com, that or something like it is probably operational where you live. Find a group of divorced men and reach out to them. That would probably be perfect for your needs.
  5. SJF81

    SJF81 Member

    Thanks, my wife and I still live together even though were separated. We do get on fine there's no arguments or nastiness to each other she doesn't love me anymore that's why the split. And she's also said I can see them whenever I do move out I just can't face the fact of not seeing them every day the 3 off them have been there my whole adult life.
    I've tried seeking out to my friends in sport but it's a massively taboo subject to talk about self harm or sucide, it's a subject no one either wants to talk about or it freaks them out that's why I seek advice from my wife's friends not in the hope to get her back just the pure fact they have been there to listen and to help in any way they can obviously up to a point as they are my wife's friends.
    I'm seeking the professional help route as well who specialise in ex sportsman. I'm just so sacred off where I'm heading it seems to be escalating way to fast.
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