I don't know what to do anymore. I'm 18 and dropped out of high school a year ago because I just couldn't do it anymore, the pressure and the people and everything was just too much. I've been in hospital for two months because of that. Then, I moved back into the town I grew up in and things were looking up, I had friends, I felt better about myself and, to be honest, I've been living in a bubble ever since, still depressed and anxious but at least safe in every way. Well, recently that bubble popped. I've tried getting out there again to get a job because my mom can't finance me anymore but I've failed at everything I do and when I tried to explain myself I've been laughed at and told "this is the real world, you can't allow yourself the shit you could pull off in school". It's been getting to me. I've accepted that I'm useless in every way since my early childhood, my dad has been emotionally abusive towards me and my mom ever since I can remember and when she left him for good two years ago it got even worse, as in he'll call me at 6 am to complain how mean and irrational she is, how no one loves him and everyone just deserts him when they got what they want etc etc etc I don't really wanna go into detail here. I've refused contact with him since february but he still calls and messages me at least once a week, and I have nightmares about him almost every night. I've managed to start liking myself over my youth but now I've crashed, I haven't gotten out of bed for four days and I loathe myself, I hate being me and most things about me and that I need pills and weekly therapy sessions to not shut down completely and I still can't do anything right. All I am is a waste of time, money and resources. I'm terrified of the future. My field of work includes a lot of social contact which gives me a lot of anxiety, but it's all I could think of wanting to do for longer than a year and I'm too scared of failure to look for another kind of carreer now. I won't go through with it anyways. Everything I start I leave unfinished, it's always been like that and apparently it always will. Everything scares me and I'm trying my hardest to get over it but it doesn't work, I'll never be able to just live a normal life and I don't wanna deal with this anymore. At this point the idea of pushing through seems way scarier than dying. I just wanna give up and stop all of this, I don't wanna deal with all of these feelings anymore, I can't even bring myself to eat, how can I possibly find and keep a job like this?? Trick question, I can't. I'm useless. I stopped taking my meds, at this point I don't even know if I want to recover anymore. It just seems so pointless. My depression and anxiety is never gonna go away and I'll always relapse again no matter how hard I try, I barely survived three years of this hell. A few decades more doesn't sound that pleasant to me. At this point I'm actively trying to get worse, I've been purposely triggering myself and don't talk about my feelings outside of therapy anymore.