Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by squidspice, Apr 2, 2015.

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  1. squidspice

    squidspice New Member

    I don't know what to do anymore.
    I'm 18 and dropped out of high school a year ago because I just couldn't do it anymore, the pressure and the people and everything was just too much. I've been in hospital for two months because of that.
    Then, I moved back into the town I grew up in and things were looking up, I had friends, I felt better about myself and, to be honest, I've been living in a bubble ever since, still depressed and anxious but at least safe in every way.

    Well, recently that bubble popped.

    I've tried getting out there again to get a job because my mom can't finance me anymore but I've failed at everything I do and when I tried to explain myself I've been laughed at and told "this is the real world, you can't allow yourself the shit you could pull off in school".
    It's been getting to me.
    I've accepted that I'm useless in every way since my early childhood, my dad has been emotionally abusive towards me and my mom ever since I can remember and when she left him for good two years ago it got even worse, as in he'll call me at 6 am to complain how mean and irrational she is, how no one loves him and everyone just deserts him when they got what they want etc etc etc I don't really wanna go into detail here. I've refused contact with him since february but he still calls and messages me at least once a week, and I have nightmares about him almost every night.
    I've managed to start liking myself over my youth but now I've crashed, I haven't gotten out of bed for four days and I loathe myself, I hate being me and most things about me and that I need pills and weekly therapy sessions to not shut down completely and I still can't do anything right.
    All I am is a waste of time, money and resources.

    I'm terrified of the future. My field of work includes a lot of social contact which gives me a lot of anxiety, but it's all I could think of wanting to do for longer than a year and I'm too scared of failure to look for another kind of carreer now. I won't go through with it anyways. Everything I start I leave unfinished, it's always been like that and apparently it always will. Everything scares me and I'm trying my hardest to get over it but it doesn't work, I'll never be able to just live a normal life and I don't wanna deal with this anymore.
    At this point the idea of pushing through seems way scarier than dying.
    I just wanna give up and stop all of this, I don't wanna deal with all of these feelings anymore, I can't even bring myself to eat, how can I possibly find and keep a job like this??
    Trick question, I can't. I'm useless. I stopped taking my meds, at this point I don't even know if I want to recover anymore. It just seems so pointless. My depression and anxiety is never gonna go away and I'll always relapse again no matter how hard I try, I barely survived three years of this hell. A few decades more doesn't sound that pleasant to me.
    At this point I'm actively trying to get worse, I've been purposely triggering myself and don't talk about my feelings outside of therapy anymore.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Stop then ok JUST STOP the self sabotaging and get in and get on different medicaition ones that work depression anxiety are treatable they are with the right meds and you can get on living then
  3. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now. I think the reason you feel so incapable of doing anything is because your father gave you that message from the time you were young - this is verbal abuse and you did not deserve it. You've just internalized your father's voice and you need to find a way to get that voice out of there so you can believe in yourself.

    My father used to tell me that "........... breaks everything she touches" and I firmly believed this. The irony was I ended up working on extremely expensive electronic equipment, sometimes even repairing it but I always had to kick the old man's voice out of my head first. Those messages we get as kids are very strong, but it doesn't mean there is an ounce of truth to them. You'll learn what you're good at. Just don't let the old man have the last word.

    It sounds like you're also stuck in a battle between your parents right now, which is inexcusable. Your father has no right to use you to get to your mother. I'm now sure how best to stop his calls, but he is the parent, not you, and someone needs to remind him of that fact.

    I think you would really benefit from some therapy with someone who could help you identify your strengths. If social contact causes you too much anxiety, maybe that's not the right thing for you. Do you have the option of taking psychological testing, like the Briggs Myers personality test, to name an old classic. These help you identify your strengths and weaknesses and then can match you up with jobs that need people with your kind of strengths. It also sounds like you have a pretty bad case of depression and you might benefit from medication.

    Keep posting and be kind to yourself! And keep faith in yourself!
  4. ScarlettHurts1990

    ScarlettHurts1990 Active Member

    Hey, don't beat yourself up too much! Remember, it's the depression talking. Those feelings of self-hatred and self-loathing are the depression! You are only 18 years old yet you write very intelligently and eloquently. You are obviously much brighter than you give yourself credit for. I agree that medication may be helpful but, from what you posted, I think therapy would also be very beneficial for you. Don't give up honey, you are strong and smart! You're only 18- you've got a lot of life left to live and plenty of time to find a career that works for you. However, I would recommend that you back to high school and get that diploma. As crappy as high school is- I hated it as well- it will open up many more opportunities for you. You will feel less lost and confused on the job search. I know what it's like to be abused emotionally by a parent. It's a nightmare but you can overcome it. Good luck and don't give up- remember, your future doesn't have to become your past!
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