Scared

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Zueri, Jan 13, 2007.

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  1. Zueri

    Zueri Well-Known Member

    Hi, I'm new here...

    Honestly, this is the first time I've tried one of these forums...

    I just needed some kind words right now...

    Let me tell you a little bit about my life.

    I spend most of my time alone. My mom died 6 months ago, and my dad barely seems to notice my existence. The rest of my family blames my dad and me for my mom's death (she had cancer)...They hate me and have told me several times that they wish I was dead...I do too.

    The last couple of months have been horrible for me. I have to keep up with schoolwork and take care of the entire household. No one seems to notice that I exist until I don't do something they want me to (For example, my dad notices my existence when I don't do his laundry)

    Right now, I'm contemplating why I am still alive. Should I be? I've thought about this many times over the past two years (my mom was diagnosed with cancer two years ago). Was it really my fault she died? Would anyone even notice I was dead?

    Why can't I just kill myself? WHY do I choose to keep on plowing through life? There is nobody (save one friend) who takes ANY notice of me, and she would easily get over it if I died. So why can't I just kill myself? Nobody would notice...Why do I choose to hold on?
     
  2. Shauna Lea

    Shauna Lea Staff Alumni

    First of all welcome to the site! I really sorry to hear that ur going through such a painful time and i hope we can help u...we will do our best :smile:

    I want to start by telling u that ur mothers death is definantly NOT ur fault! Cancer is an illness in which u have no control over, so firstly u have to stop blamming her passing on urself, or anyone else for that matter.
    This is obviously a very tough time for ur dad aswell, and it doesnt sound like he's dealing with it too well. He may b acting selfishly but u need to understand that people have different ways of dealing with things. For u it may b that u need alot of support, but for him maybe he needs to really focus on himself for a while. He may feel like he needs to sort himself out before he can effectivly help anyone else. This certainly doesnt excuse him from being rude and unsupportive, im just trying to help u gain a bit of understanding!
    And to answer ur other question...think about ur mum. she wouldnt want u to b doubting ur own life. im sure if she were here she'd b urging u to keep pushing on. as well as that, im sure there r alot of people around u who care, they may not show it, but im sure they feel it. but the main reason for u to keep going is for urself, for ur future!
    best of luck wit everything! pm me n e time if u want to chat...
     
  3. Zueri

    Zueri Well-Known Member

    Hey! Thanks for the words. They helped, a little bit at least.

    I just feel like an empty shell. I wake up, go to school, come home, study, do housework, and sleep. Everything has just lost its meaning for me.

    I lost contact with most of my friends. They claimed I was being a hopeless loser and that I just wanted attention.

    I don't.

    I just want to be as happy as I used to be. And I don't know how to do that.

    I also want to be daddy's perfect daughter. But, no matter how hard I try, he always finds something wrong with me. I think the last time he said something nice was two months ago.

    Am I really that much of a screwup? My grades are staying high and most of the stuff that needs to be done gets done. (save some dishes, some laundry, and some dusting now and then)

    I can't help but think I'm not worthy of being in this world. Most people probably see me as a waste of oxygen. But there is just something holding me back from leaving...I don't know what it is. I DO want to be gone, and take the easy way out. Why won't I let myself? I've been giving myself up to help people all of my life, so why can't I be selfish this once and do what I want for a change? What's holding me back?
     
  4. Shauna Lea

    Shauna Lea Staff Alumni

    U r not a waste of oxygen at all! u sound like a fantastic person, look at what ur doing...looking after ur entire household, thats a very big responsibilty. a responsibility that many would not b able to cope with!
    I dont kno how right i am, but when people feel as if they have no reason to live and r wondering y they are alive, i believe they r still here because they care for themselves and for the people around them. Our depressive state puts a cloud over that, but i think that deep down we all have a hope. It just a matter of finding that and using it as ur motovation. Come into the chat room if u need someone to talk to now...i hope ive been helpful! :)
     
  5. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    Hey, I couldnt have said it better than Helpless did.. beautiful words Shauna. She is totally right. Its not your fault at ALL.

    I dont think you will let yourself because deep, deep down you know that its wrong, that you dont want to do it and because you know your mum wouldnt have wanted it that way. Your mother loved you, and I can tell that you loved her, she wouldnt want you to give up like this, she would want her beautiful daughter to keep fighting, to look through it all and use this to become a better person.. Thats what I believe anyway..

    Take care hun, you can get through this.

    Allo _%
     
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You have been through an extremely difficult time as of late, and for that I am sorry. It is difficult when you lose a parent and find yourself trying to fill the shoes of the one you lost. You are still grieving and probably will be for a long time. You are in no way responsible for your mother's death. A terrible disease took her from you. You speak of your father being so critical and how you are trying your best to please him, but it is not working. An important thing to remember right now is that he is grieving also. He is probably very angry that your mother was taken from him. No matter what you do, you are not her. Not that he wants you to be, but that resentment is there deep inside. He needs time to heal, as does everyone in your family. Different people react to things in different ways. It does not mean that what he is doing is right. When people are angry they say and do things they really don't mean. Have you had a chance to have any grief counseling? Has your father? If not, it may be worth looking in to. Make sure you are taking the time you need for yourself. You need the chance to feel and cry and whatever else needs to be released. You sound like a very responsble youg lady with a bright future. Hold on to the good memories, and continue to do your best at keeping on. You can make it through. I have faith in you. Take care. :hug:
     
  7. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry that you lost your Mother. I lost my Father at 16 and I really wanted to just give up. I thought that a day would never come that I could actually wake up smile, not feel the horrible weight of my loss crushing my soul. My Mom was so bereaved that she completely changed her personality. She came down on me about everything, my grades, my friends, my boyfriend. I guess she was just really stressed out because she felt like she had to do everything on her own, so she became a complete bitch for quite some time. Then she remarried about 8 months later and moved away. I refused to go and basically lived in my car for a few months. That's the bad news.
    The good news is this. I made it through and you can too. :) Everyone handles death differently, and your Dad is probably just going through the motions like a zombie right now, trying to hold it all together. I'm guessing he doesn't understand your emotional needs at this time. Please understand though that he loves you very much and that this phase will pass. As for some of your friends disconnecting from you, I understand that as well. But the truly compassionate people will be there for you and the others really don't deserve your friendship.
    One day you will wake up and smile again. One day you will remember your Mother and laugh instead of crying. One day your father will snap out of his haze and realize he has been unfair to you. And one day you will be truly, truly happy again, even though this seems impossible. Please hang on. PM me if you need a chat :)
     
  8. thecleric

    thecleric Guest

    Setting aside your mother's death for a moment, these feelings of emptiness and exhaustion are very common. And since you have a specific, reasonable reason to be sad, I'm not so worried that you are.

    It seems to me that you might be the type to respond to a few practical suggestions.

    1. Get as much sleep as possible. If you need to, get a prescription for sleeping pills. Modern ones are much less likely to cause dependency than the drugs that were available even ten years ago.

    2. Get as much exercise as possible. Endorphins are your friend.

    3. Get a roomba. They're amazingly cheap (~$100), and will ensure that even if nothing else gets done, at least the vaccuuming gets done all by itself.

    Obviously, your friends aren't grown up enough yet to appreciate your situation. Rather few kids are. You'll have to be choosier.

    As peanut (hi!) already pointed out, your father is going through a similarly awful time. We all expect parents to help their kids through the worst times, but parents are just human beings. And we all have finite resources.

    Speaking of finite resources, you're obviously husbanding yours carefully, and spending them wisely. Letting your grades collapse would be understandable in circumstances like yours, but that would give you something else to be sad about. And you don't need that, of course. So it sounds like you've been remarkably wise with your time & energy so far.

    The thought of your father wearing dirty shirts for the rest of his life? :)

    You're obviously wise enough to slog through even the past few months. So you're probably wise enough to know, deep down, that others have survived this sort of thing before, and you will too.

    This might be a first for a poster on SuicideForum, but despite what you feel, I'm really not worried about you at all. Feel free to vent here (esp to Peanut, since she's been in your shoes), but I'm actually looking forward, confidently, to the day when you won't need the likes of us any more.
     
  9. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Thecleric has offered some excellent advice and I agree 100%. :)
     
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