I am so fed up of struggling every minute i am awake. I have tried smiling and ignoring my thoughts and feelings for years now. I find it so hard to tell my psychiatrist and even my support worker exactly how i feel. Its been a few years since i overdosed and failed. (another failure). I am scared i will not get through the next few hours. I have planned my overdose better by buying as many pills as i can over the last few days. I have enough now. I had planned to take them tonight and hopefully drift of to sleep and not wake up this time. I have no one to call and am to scared to call 999 as i feel embarrassed and don't want to bump into any of my friends that work in A&E if they were to take me there. I don't know what to do. To be honest i don't know why i am even telling strangers all this on here. I suppose there is a bit of me tat does want to live. I just hate struggling every moment with hating myself as a failure in my life and a burden to my family and friends. The only friend i had that i could talk to died three months ago after taking her own life. I miss her so much and also feel slightly jealous that she is now at peace after struggling with her eating disorders and other problems for many years like myself. Who else can i talk to and tell them exactly how i am feeling. This could be the last thing i ever write. I just wan to sleep and never wake up. I don't even know why i am writing this here.