.scared...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by dying2die, Mar 5, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. dying2die

    dying2die Well-Known Member

    I first must say I'm very depressed, and that's what I attribut my drinking to. I have been drinking every day for about 2 weeks. at first it was no big deal, but now I have to hide my drinking from my husband and close friends. I start drinking as soon as my husband goes to work and I usually drink till I pass out or am at least really tired. I am pretty positive that I have a problem. the thing is that I don't want to be classified as an alcoholic cause then you can't drink at all. in the town I live in that's all there is o do. all my friends drink... not as much as me, but when we hang out that's what we do. I could never not be able to have another drink. I don't know what to do!?!
     
  2. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Clinically speaking, I don't know if you would be diagnosed as 'an alcoholic' yet, as this behaviour has only been going on for a fortnight.

    However, anyone can see that you are abusing alcohol. And that's never a good road to get started down.

    That said, I think lots of people abuse alcohol to a certain extent. Particularly people who are depressed. That doesn't make it a great idea, but as long as you keep it within certain levels I don't think it has to be a bad thing.

    It's really good that you are able to admit you have a drink problem. Because you do, there's no doubt about that. What you need to do is moderate your drinking. NOW. Before it gets completely out of control and you become physically dependent. If having a couple of drinks (even in the morning) genuinely helps you calm down/get out of bed/whatever then have them. THEN STOP. Drinking until you pass out or collapse is a really, really bad idea. It's okay to drink, even sometimes for the 'wrong' reasons, you just have to be in control of it.

    I hope you're okay. What do you think you're going to do about this to try to get better? Perhaps you should try talking to your husband about this. He could be a really good support for you.

    Let us know how you are, :hug: x
     
  3. dying2die

    dying2die Well-Known Member

    thanks for taking some of my fear away. I don't know what I'm going to do. I've tried to talk to my husband about my depression, but he doesn't really understand. we've been together for 6 years and when we first met I was having a really rough time and did a lot of cutting, so he knows that I have depression, I think he believe life events cause it for me... and that's not the case. as for talking to him about my drinking I'm pretty sure he would just get upset. I honestly think that he blames how I'm feeling right now on himself. he doesn't understand the things that people do when they're depressed. he's a wonderful husband/dad, but this is far to complicated for him to understand/deal with.
     
  4. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    If you were severely depressed when you two got together and he knew that, then he obviously loves you regardless. Of course he will be upset to hear how unhappy you feel and how difficult you are finding things - but that doesn't mean he won't want to help you. Quite the opposite, I imagine.

    You say he is a wonderful husband and father - so give him the benefit of the doubt :smile:. I'm sure he'll want to help you in any way he can.

    You say he believes your depression is/was a reaction to certain life events. What events were those? Are none of them still buzzing around your head these days? If your depression is purely biological then anti-depressants might really help you - have you considered that as an option?

    I really hope that whether you feel able to talk to your husband about this or not, you stay around on this site and talk about how you are feeling with us. I'll help you in any way I can, even if that's just by being here to listen :hug:.

    Do reply, I hope you're okay...

    ~Nobody~
     
  5. dying2die

    dying2die Well-Known Member

    I know he wants to help, but I'm not sure there is anything he can do. I guess I wish he understood more about depression and why I drink. I keep a journal and one day I read him a page talking about why I need to drink so much... it gives me something to feel, as otherwise I'm empty inside... dead!
    I would definately say that my depression is bioligical. I've been dealing with it for almost 10 years. it was really bad for a long time, but then it just kind of when away(or at least lessened) as I got older. now its back worse then ever. the events thst my husband thinks sre bothering... a very long story. I think about them but they seem to be the least of my problems right now.
    I've tried at least 20 different meds and combinations. I've tried everything from zoloft to lithium. I've even e.c.t. I've been an inpatient at several institutions and an out patient. it doesn't every really seem to make a difference.
    I appreciate that you are intrested in helping me. I feel like people around me are trying to block out the problems I am having so they don't have to deaal with it... well my friends anyway.
     
  6. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    How did he react when you read him that section of your journal? Did it help him understand any better?

    Maybe you could get him a book about depression, or have him go with you for counselling some time (or have him go alone) so that a professional can help him understand what you're going through... and also help him understand that it isn't his fault.

    What do you think helped the depression to fade before? Can you think of anything that may have triggered its coming back? Could it perhaps be linked to the birth of your little girl?

    Are you having ECT appointments currently?

    You say that the triggering events are a very 'long story'. I'd be more than happy to hear that story, if you're happy to tell me. It might help me understand your situation better, if nothing else.

    I know what you mean about people around you not wanting to think about or acknowledge your problems. I know that's how most of my friends and family members deal with it. My mum particularly gets on with me fine as long as we both pretend I'm fine. It's quite messed up, but it's just because people don't know how best to deal with it. I know it doesn't really help though. You've connected with a lot of people who won't act like that now that you've joined this site. We all know what each other is going through - at least better than most people in the "real world" would.

    Keep talking. Sending you many :hug:s.

    x
     
  7. dying2die

    dying2die Well-Known Member

    my story... well i was bartending for a while at a bar that had live bands play there three days a week. after a few months me and a guy in one of the bands that played there really became "good friends". it started out as nothing and turned into something. he is older than me, but we had so much in common and it was so easy for me to talk to him. anyway to make a long story short we ended up sleeping together(my husband doesn't know that). so one night after i fell asleep my husband was snooping through my cell phone and had found a few messages that he had texted me and ones that i had texted him. needless to say he wasn't very happy. he threatened divorce and everything like that. i told him that we only kissed, i couldn't tell him that we had sex... it would have killed him. anyway, we talked things out and he said that we would be able to work through this if i quit bartending(which i have to admitt i loved. i dont have the greatest self esteem and having guys tell me how beautiful or cute i was felt great... even if they were drunk). anyway so i quit bartending... which means that i am currently unemployed. this doesn't help my depression, but it isnt what brought it back.

    as far as what made it go away before... i dont know. i think it was that i had kind of figured out who i was. i had found my place in life and i didnt feel so lost. now why am i this way again... i can say that it has nothing to do with my daughter. at first i wasn't the most happy about being pregnant, but now i can say that having my beautiful daughter is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. i love her with everything i have. i dont want to leave her either, but right now it seems like the only way to give her a chance at a normal life.

    i havent been in therapy or any kind of treatment for about 5 years. i did the e.c.t. when i was 16 or 17. i would never try that again... i dont remember anything around that time. lately i have been reading journals that i had kept during that time period, and i feel like someone else must have written them because i cant recall any events that i am writing about. i was a very extreme case, they usually wont do e.c.t. on someone under 18, but nobody knew what else to try. i had several phychologists in the area that refused to see me because of my history. it really discourages me... is there really no hope for me to get better. and now ive put drinking into the mix. i wont leave the house without at least two quick drinks. i dont eat anymore, my meals consist of alcohol. i think that really its a way for me to kill myself. i have been smoking more than ever also about 2 packs a day. all in hopes that one day i will just not wake up!
     
  8. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    I hope you weren't offended by my asking whether your depression was anything to do with your daughter. I was more alluding to post-partum depression than anything else... I certainly wasn't suggesting any kind of blame.

    It's great that you love your daughter so much - it really gives you something to hold on for! I know you say that if you were dead she'd be less messed up, but I'm sure you know that actually that's not true. :hug:

    How do you feel about the possibility of asking for some professional help with this? I know you say you've tried everything before, but it's been a long time! As for the ECT, things have come on an awful lot in the past decade. It's less traumatic now. But of course, it should always be a last resort anyway.

    Of course there is hope for you to get better! :hug: There's hope for us all. We just have to keep fighting.

    I too go through periods of drinking obscene amounts of alcohol and eating little or no food. I go through random patches where I smoke too even though I don't normally smoke at all and I'm in no way addicted. It's very self-destructive behaviour, and it's good that you have recognised that, because you can start to do something about it. Even if you want to die, there are far less horrible ways to go than trying to drink yourself into a coma or starve yourself to death.

    You say that you hope one day you won't wake up. I know I battle with that feeling too. Try to imagine your little girl's face if you didn't wake up. Imagine her crying her little heart out. Hang on, even if at the moment it's only hanging on for her sake...

    Sorry to ask this for fear of it sounding like something of a cliche, but did you have an unhappy childhood?

    I'm here for you :arms:,

    x x x
     
  9. dying2die

    dying2die Well-Known Member

    don't worry I figured that you were suggesting post partom... too late for that. as far as seeking prof. help. today I have an appt. with a therapist. firt one in years... I'm scared to reveal my thoughts. they are very scary to me. I can't image what someone else will think. I guess i'll find out.
    I know this is terrible, but I'm at the bar right now having another drink. what is my deal? I have my appt in like 2 hours. fuck!
    I've always smoked, since I was 15. well I did quit when I was pregnant. I woukd never do that to my offspring. and yea I love my daughter more than life itself, bur she will never have a normal life as long as I'm around. it might ve hard for her if I "die" but at least she'll be able to get over it
    why do I drink... it maked me over anaylize everything. I .... I don't know what to say.. now I'm getting drunk. I'm sorry. I appreciate your consern, it means a lot to me, but i'll never be ok!
     
  10. dying2die

    dying2die Well-Known Member

    I feel like a lost cause right now
     
  11. dying2die

    dying2die Well-Known Member

    I shouldn't have another drink... the scotch in calling me.. urgh! someone tell me to stop
     
  12. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Actually, post partum depression can last for years. What makes it port partum is the time it kicks in.

    Try not to drink any more before your appointment hon', it won't help.

    I'm really pleased that you have an appointment! It's very brave :smile:. It's so good that you are taking this step. If it helps you then maybe you could write down the things you want to tell the therapist/talk to the therapist about. Then you can't forget anything, or get tongue-tied, or freak out at the last minute and say nothing. Do you think that might help?

    You say if you die then your daughter will 'get over it'. I can assure you that she will never truly get over it, even if you die of natural causes. And if you commit suicide then not only will she never 'get over it', but she will inevitably carry around a feeling of guilt and responsibility about it.

    You obviously love your daughter very much, and that's the most important thing a mother can do. Please don't deprive your little girl of her loving mother. She deserves to have you around.

    I know you can get better, and when that time comes you will be so happy that you hung on! Please try to keep your chin above water - I know you can do it! :hug:

    x x x
     
  13. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    STOP.

    :hug: x
     
  14. dying2die

    dying2die Well-Known Member

    ok... I stopped, now I'm drinking coffee. my appt. is in 45 min. I'm so dumb. what kind of person drinks before therapy... well I'm trying to drink as much coffee as I can.
    yes, I love my girl, I don't know which would be worse. me being here and crying all the time or me being gone.
    god...im dead inside soon to be outside..
    nobody thank you sooooooooo much for your consern. today is make it or break it. we'll see what the therapist says.
     
  15. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Well done for stopping drinking :smile:.

    You are not 'so dumb'. You are just unhappy and struggling at the moment. If you are dumb then I am dumber :tongue:.

    Good luck with the appointment, I really hope it goes well for you.

    I'll be thinking of you :hug:. Let me know how it goes...

    x x x
     
  16. dying2die

    dying2die Well-Known Member

    one last cup of coffee... I want you to know, nobody, that you are one of the greatest most caring people I have met in a long time. most of my friends love me because I'm the life of the party and I know how to have a grat time, not because they really know me. I will let you know how everything goes. thank you sooooooo much.
     
  17. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Ohh... thank you! that is a very sweet thing to say, and it means a lot to me :cheekkiss:. I'm glad I can be of some help, that's all :smile:.

    Do make sure you let me know how it goes.

    Good luck!

    :hug:

    x x x
     
  18. mike25

    mike25 Well-Known Member

    Hope everything's going well dying2die :smile:
     
  19. dying2die

    dying2die Well-Known Member

    well I did it... I saw the therapist. it was just as scary as I thought it would be. now I'm back at the bar. I was to scared to even tell her half of my thoughts. she suggested I see an md. to get on meds. I agreed I really don't have anything to lose. the worst part was promising her that I wouldn't do anything until my appt. next wed. it was a lie. these days I canr promise anything. not like she really cares anyway, right?!?
     
  20. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Well done :smile:.

    Are you sure you want to be drinking right now? I'm not going to try to stop you (I have a glass of wine in hand as we speak! :tongue:) but I just want you to decide whether you are choosing to have a drink or whether you are allowing the drink to choose you...

    I know how it feels being pressured into making that kind of promise. Yesterday I had to promise my therapist that I would be alive on Monday, otherwise she wasn't going to let me leave. I felt trapped and cornered and horrible.

    But I've decided to wait until after my next appointment on Monday anyway, I have to give it a go. And I don't want to let her down.

    I think you'll find she does care sweetheart. Why wouldn't she?

    Even if she doesn't, I can honestly tell you that I really do care. Very much. :hug:

    Don't give up,

    x x x
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.