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scared

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Rukia

Well-Known Member
#1
I've lost almost all control over my thoughts. Had so much I wanted to write here, but they won't let me. :unsure: It's like they're making sure that I don't control enough to get help. I guess they'll kill me before I'll get that far.
I don't really care if they kill me, but they always make me hurt people. :sad: They make me say things just to make people dislike me. Maybe if I make them mad at me, they'll just kill me now.. :dry:


This makes no sense. I want my mind back!:mad:
 

Rukia

Well-Known Member
#4
"They" are the voices in my head. They won't let me go to a doctor now, and I don't have enough control to ignore them. :sad:
 
L

letdown

#5
Do you live with anyone who you can confide in? What will they do if you do talk to a doctor? If they are threatening to kill you, why is that? Do they sound like someone you've known in your past? :hug:

Have you tried distracting them with something else, while following what you want to do? Sometimes I "throw" them a story or something to keep them busy while trying to sort out what I need to do.

Feeling invaded like this isn't pleasant. It sounds like you're in a lot of pain at the moment, and I think there are ways you can distract them to allow yourself to get the help you need.

I'm here if you want to PM anyone. I know how difficult this can be.

Have you tried talking to them about how you feel? What do they say? Why do they say you can't get help? What are they scared of?

Are you scared to get help Rukia?

There are a lot of questions here but I hope they are helpful.
 

Rukia

Well-Known Member
#7
They won't listen to what I say, they just laugh at me when I try to talk back at them. :mad: Asking for help isn't possible, I can't even write what I want here. Hopefully they're only playing with me, and they'll give me back some control soon. I've made a deal with them, if they can't kill me before my next birthday, they'll leave me alone.
I guess it's not all negative that they are in charge now. They make me unable to feel. :dry:
 
L

letdown

#8
Maybe the important thing right now is to support you against the voices that are so threatening.

What has helped you before in defending yourself from them? When you hear them is it like hearing them through your ears or are they cluttering up your head?

I'm also curious as to how you got on with your doctor (or therapist if you see one?) before the voices had so much control on you? Did you feel threatened by doctors?

Has anything happened recently that is making you feel like you don't want to live anymore? When is your birthday?

I'm glad they are letting you post here. I'm really glad that you can do that Rukia. Sometimes it's better not to feel and to put up with the voices than to feel again and let them go, however difficult it is to get rid of such scary voices. Talk to us as much as you are able. :hug:
 

Rukia

Well-Known Member
#9
Thank you so much! :hug: I'll try to answer your questions, even though they don't like you. :tongue:

They're just in my head, controlling my thoughts. I keep reminding myself that they're not real, but I know that they can "kick" me out whenever they wants. :unsure: Maybe they are real, I don't know anymore.

I've been depressed since I was 14-15, and looking back I can see that they were with me back then too. They told me how to live my life, and I listened. I've only told my doctor about my depression, they wouldn't let me tell the whole story. My depression disappeared when I started taking pills last year, but the voices just got stronger. They made me stop taking the pills, and now I'm falling back into depression again. :sad:

They've got almost 11 months before they have to leave, my birthday is in February.
 
L

letdown

#10
11 months is a long time to have to struggle with this. :hug:

Maybe trying to hang on to the thought that they aren't real is a helpful thing right now. At times, like you, there is this worry of are they real, aren't they real and it really depends on the situation as to what is more safe for you at the moment and these voices do sound very threatening. As does the feeling of being "kicked" out of your mind.

Do they seem stronger or less stronger after you've written about them here? What pills were you on?
 

Rukia

Well-Known Member
#11
They watch me carefully while I'm writing, and if I tell to much they seem stronger. If I "behave", they just make fun of me. :mad: I don't think they really care much about what I write, since only one of my real life friends knows that I'm on here.
I used to be on Cipralex, was on it for about 9 months.

They've started to give me back some control today, and informed me that this was just for fun, to see if they could break me. :dry: I remember now how I usually handle them (they blocked that out this time), so I guess I'll have to write that down in case they take away my memory next time to. :unsure:

I don't think I'll manage to fight with them much longer, so I'm going to see a doctor as soon as I gain enough control. :biggrin:
 
L

letdown

#12
I'm glad you're going to the doctor soon, Rukia. If you can, tell them about the memory problems too and if you can get referred to psychotherapy.

Take care and best wishes.

:hug:
 
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