God i am so scared right now... I am afraid of what each day brings me.. Afraid of the pain.. Afraid i will not be able to endure one more day... Why did you allow this to happen? Why did you allow me to have a cancer? A cancer that even i can not stop... Why did you allow me to suffer this pain.. This physical pain? I dont understand your reasons or your intentions... I dont understand why it was me that had to suffer so much hardships throughout my life... why all the hardships and pain? Did i deserve it somehow just by being born? Perhaps under a bad star?? And this site. Lord i can feel everyones pain here. How can i feel their pain? How is that even possiable? Was this pain i am in emotionally the reason i am here at this very site? Was it to your will that i found this site online? Am i suppose to help those here? How can i even begine to help them or make a dent into their lives when i can not even fix my own life? I try Lord , I try with the movies you put upon my heart to place here.. Are they working? Are they to your will? Is this what you want from me? I feel their pain... How can i feel their pain? Is it because you chose me to feel it? When i seen things Lord. When i seen the wreck that took my cousins life two weeks before it happened why did you allow me to see it? Why allow me to see things before they happen? Why allow me to feel things before they happen? The shooting at the church. I seen it Lord.. Why did you allow me to see it? I thought it was me that got killed but it wasnt me .. Why allow me to see it? Why allow me to see the other things i see? Lord it is scary to see them... Others will think i am nuts unless i save a life.. Is that what you want? You want me to help them? To save them? yet i can not save myself... Why did you write the name of White Dove upon my heart? Is there some signifacance in it? For here at this site?? Knowing i will not be here long and will fly away like a white dove into your arms... Why Lord? Why let me feel this , all of this? How is that even possiable? How can i feel all their pain here? Why allow me to feel it? Im scared Lord. Im scared of what you want from me.. Im scared of this cancer Lord for it is going to take my life and i cant stop it... Im scared because i dont know how great this pain is going to become or even how i can bear it all. It is a great cross to bear that i am afraid i am not strong enough to carry it all.. I am weak.. much to weak to do this.. Why did you choose me? You know how weak i am so why choose me to do this? The temptation of taking my life gets stronger each and every day as i get closer and closer to the date... What is it that you really want from me? Am i not doing what you want me to do? Others see me as crazy or a person that is nuts or someone that has muliply persanalites but they dont know your power... the power you have on me... I dont even understand it but im trying... I dont know your plan but i know it must benefit someone out there... What i dont understand is why choose me.. someone who is weak and in a lot of temptation.... The pain. the pain that peter is in please ease up on his pain... He seems like a nice person and he doesnt deserve this... and those others i speak with in pms , please ease up on their pain... they dont deserve it... this emotional pain.. why give it to me? I can feel it Lord. i can feel what your son felt... I feel the lonleness . i see the pain he endured. i can feel the pain he felt when they hurt him, when they put him upon that cross, when they nailed his hands into that tree i can feel his pain in my hands but why?? Why do my hands feel it? why does my head hurt and why can i feel the pain he felt when they placed that upon his head. that mean cruel crown of thorns. i can feel those thorns sticking into my own head. why?? When they mocked him and made fun of him. i can feel his emotional pain but why?? why let me feel all this? what purpose is it to me to feel all this? it is scareing me Lord, scareing me .. i feel all his pain and it is scareing me... What does it mean? Why have me to feel it? Am i a testamony to you? Am i a testimony to others here or to just one person that comes here? What purpose is it? Why choose me when i am so weak.. And paul when he was in prison.. i can feel that cold dark dampness of the prison walls , but why..? I dont understand... Why have me feel this? why? i am so scared. scared of what tomorrow will bring... scared of the pain i will feel and endure... just scared... but why?? Why allow me this? What purpose is it that you want?