i don't want to die. I actually desperately want to live. I want to live life, be happy, have a family and have a meaningful, productive life. I just feel incapable of obtaining any of it. It's hard to explain really... But, in a nut shell, i feel incapable of taking care of myself, being able to be on my own. I can't hold on to my family forever and i'm getting to a point in my life where i feel like i'm forcing my family to resent me for being so dependent on them. I just graduated college and i should have some kind of job or preparing to go to graduate school but i can't bring myself to do it. I've always been a procrastinator, but i feel it in my bones that i can't go off and be on my own. Maybe it's depression thats making me think so negatively about myself, but i can't help but reflect on my life and notice certain dependency trends that make me sick to my stomach. I guess i never noticed them before because i was able to get away with it. I am scared for myself. Everyday i feel myself getting more and more serious about ending my life. But at the same time, i keep finding reasons to let myself live one more day. I've read that people who find reasons not to at the very last minute are those who aren't serious about doing it. However, despite what people might say, i am... and it's scary. Why does there have to be such thing as suicide?! I wish the concept just didn't exist... wishful thinking, i know. But whoever thought we'd be in a position like this? i never thought i'd want to end my own life.... it makes me so ANGRY that we have to go through this when there are other people who will never face this in their entire lives, yet we might have these thoughts with us till the very day we die. SO DAMN UNFAIR. People have told me that it will only make me stronger... well what about the poor souls that did go through with it? it obviously didn't make them stronger... not that they were weak, but that this "beast" got to them and got to them good. What if it happens to me? i'm so scared... thanks for reading... i hope the best for all of us.