scared

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Drekono, Oct 3, 2009.

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  1. Drekono

    Drekono Well-Known Member

    I dont know what to do. I want to tell someone but im too scared to. Im scared of how people will react when i tell them. Im scarred of dissapointing them again. Im scared of going through the humiliation again. Im scared of having to go back to the mental hospital. Im scared ill be there for even longer this time. I dont know how to tell them.

    Ive made a plan. And it is for very very soon. i have a problem where every time i take pills i get flashbacks to my overdose attempt and i start gagging. It makes taking my meds really really hard. So taking a large amount of pills again for another overdose didnt seem possible. But this morning, or last night, dont know i never went to sleep, i figured out a way around this flashback/gagging issue. Im more then sure im not allowed to say how that is but i wouldnt want to let people know anyways. I remember my last overdose and i remeber how close to successful it was. If i just had a few more hours before i was found it would have been successful. As it was the docter honestly didnt think i would make it and they told my family that. I know how i can get those few hours. i know how i can not be found for long enough. i know how i can get myself to be able to take the pills. And i know where i can get the pills. There is probably 40 bottles of different meds in the house (everyone in my family has pills for something or other). I dont have the same pills that worked so well last time (prolly cause they didnt want me oding on them again) but im convinced that if take everything i have available it will be enough.

    What scares me most of all is that i want to die so bad that i think i will do it no matter what the cost. Im scared that hurting other people with my death wont be enough to stop me anymore. I KNOW its not enough to stop me anymore. And that makes me feel worse then the fact that i want to kill myself... i feel like a cold hearted asshole and that only makes me mroe suicidal.

    I feel like im always going to be the "mental" one in the family. I feel like im always gunna be the one that dissapoints my family and brings them pain. i feel like im always gunna have to be the one that they have to be careful around. The one they are always gunna have to worry about. The one that always has mood swings and ends up treating them like crap. I feel like im always gunna be the one that is depressed and brings everyone else around me down.

    I honestly think they will be better off without me and if they can just get past the way i plan to go out then they can move on and have a better life...
     
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    :hug:

    Please keep posting here, it will help. Things do change. I've learned to give things a chance to change.
     
  3. Drekono

    Drekono Well-Known Member

    Everythings keeps changing for the worse though :(

    Its weird how calm you feel once you give in to the idea and set on a date. Maybe its just more of a feeling of relief idk.

    Tonight btw
     
  4. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Sometimes, things change for the worse before it gets better. Please stay with us. :hug:
     
  5. Drekono

    Drekono Well-Known Member

    I was feeling a little better and tried to call my friend, i was gunna tell him everything but he didnt answer. i think he is out of town. brought me right back down. i dont know if i will be ok if im by myself tonight :(
     
  6. lost81

    lost81 Staff Alumni

    If you want help, I hope there are other avenues for you at this this low point if you need someone now but can't get through to your friend at this time and I hope you find the strength to use them and receive understanding for your troubles. It's hard I know but some people can understand if you give them the chance, take this forum for example.

    I hope you make it through this rough time, all the best.

    I wish I could take my own advice sometimes..
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 3, 2009
  7. Drekono

    Drekono Well-Known Member

    The only other person i would turn to is my sister but she already worries about me to much. i dont want to drag her through this again.
     
  8. lost81

    lost81 Staff Alumni

    Worrying now is a damn site better then how she would feel if she were to lose you I'm guessing then. The fact she worries means she cares about you and does so of her own back... let her help by telling her you how you are feeling I'm sure she can help bring you through this.

    Please don't feel ashamed for asking for help.
     
  9. Drekono

    Drekono Well-Known Member

    i feel like if i just do it though then itll be the last time i drag her through this hell but if i dont then ill just drag her through it over and over and over and over again
     
  10. lost81

    lost81 Staff Alumni

    While you are still here, something can be done if you let it.

    I know of 3 people close to me who have ended their lives and I will always kick myself for not doing more for them while they were troubled. If she feels the same if you decide to go through with it then she will be dragging something with her for the rest of her life far worse then worrying about you now.
     
  11. Drekono

    Drekono Well-Known Member

    i just want this to end :blub:
    why cant people accept that ?
     
  12. lost81

    lost81 Staff Alumni

    People who care can very rarely accept someone close to them ending their lives if they thought they had the power to possibly stop it... That is from my own experience anyway.

    'This' can possibly end or possibly get better at least but there are other ways of ending it with you still breathing.

    I'm sorry if I am being presumptuous but you are a fellow human being that I have compassion for.

    I have doubts to and it isn't a nice feeling but I want help and I'm guessing others do to so I will try my best.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 3, 2009
  13. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    One thing I can advice you is that you shouldn't be so afraid to rely on other people for support. They are your friends, your family. They want to help you. They may not know how best to do it, because sometimes the situation just overwhelms them but believe me, they'd rather be overwhelmed by not knowing what to do or say than to feel overwhelmed by the sadness of learning you're suffering so much and didn't contact them out of fear of bothering someone.

    I fell into the same pit hole and I know how wrong I was to keep it all to myself when others were there for me.
     
  14. Drekono

    Drekono Well-Known Member

    ty for your replies, i know your both right but i guess i just want this so bad my sick messed up mind is trying to justify it...
     
  15. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    I see you've logged off before I could post this. I'm sorry, I didn't see it sooner.

    Just wanted to say that as you've got it planned so certainly, knowing it's going to work - then maybe that sense of ok if it all gets too bad I know I can always do this - maybe that would be enough to get you through today, give yourself another chance today knowing that you can do it anytime you like. You don't have to do it now, just because you can.

    Make sense?
     
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