scared..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Pink Teardrops, May 30, 2010.

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  1. Pink Teardrops

    Pink Teardrops Well-Known Member

    It's too hard for me today.. and i'm scared. I know i don't want to live but i also know suicide is not the right thing to do.. so i try to stay alive as best i can but today it's too hard. There is nothing left of me.. no will or even want anymore.. and i'm afraid. I'm afraid of what i'm thinking and of what i'm planning. I'm not making sense.. sigh. I'll stfu now.
     
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    hey eme sounds like your feeling pretty bad today would you care to talk about it...sounds like you are not 100% on going which is a good thing I feel...like there is some hope in you for wanting a different life than what you have right now, please hold hard to that bit of hope and build on it as best you can.
    Do you mind sharing a bit about yourself and what brought you here? I am listening as are others...please continue to talk with us and hang on, you're needed in this world.
    Bambi
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 30, 2010
  3. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we must help you
     
  4. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    Hi Eme, Sorry you are having such a hard day. What can we do to help you feel better?

    Keep hanging on. We are here to help you out.

    take care
     
  5. Pink Teardrops

    Pink Teardrops Well-Known Member

    I don't know why i came here. I feel like i am going to explode if i don't talk so i come here to try and talk.. but i never can. Only a little bit. I'm not sure what to say, Bambi.. ask me a question and i will answer.. idk. I'm sorry. I can't just talk.
     
  6. Pink Teardrops

    Pink Teardrops Well-Known Member

    I don't think i can feel better. I never do anything to help myself.. or allow myself to feel better. There is nothing anyone can do. But thanks.
     
  7. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Well lets start with a few basic questions....hard to get to know people on line at times so here we go

    Some personal questions just to get to know you..

    How old are you? I am 43 but I find I really relate to all ages here, especially the younger members as I went through a really bad bout of depression in my teens.

    Male or female? I think you are female like me based upon your name but again hard to tell much on line.

    Where about do you live and are in school? Working? I live in Los Angeles California and work, I am my own boss and have the best job in the world ..I love my work with animals.

    How long have you been battling this sadness? Mine comes and goes but overall I would say I am always dealing with the sadness on some level or another

    Are you getting outside support? I come here for my support and have keep in contact via the forum and instant messaging.

    What would you say is making you feel the saddest at the moment?

    Okay that should get us started...you said to ask you questions so I did but hope i didn't overwhelm you ...oh what should i call you? Eme? you can call me B or Bambi

    Hang in there and I will await to hear from you..
    :arms: Bambi
     
  8. Pink Teardrops

    Pink Teardrops Well-Known Member

    ok.. i'm 19 and female. My name is Emelia. I'm Irish and i was in uni but i couldn't cope with being around so many people. I am from the countryside originally and moved here to a huge city to start the uni course. I don't work.. i just stay home all the time and drink and take drugs. Sometimes i go out but it's only when i really have to or to hurt myself by doing.. some bad stuff that i can't talk about. My dad died when i was 12 and since then everything has been bad. I was abuse by my moms boyf from 15 until sept of last year. It ended in awful circumstances that i will never be able to talk about and then i moved away. I dont seek help ever. I dont deserve any and i think even death is too good for me.

    What's making me the saddest is that i left my little sister behind.. the guilt eats me up. Also the bad things that i do now are sick..but i can't help it.. i will do anything to hurt myself in all sorts of ways. This is what i deserve.
    I hope that's made sense.. i get all muddled sometimes. And thanks for replying..
     
  9. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Oh Emelia I feel your sadness and pain in your post and if I was there I would give you a big hug and help you pick yourself up from this very very large burden you carry...your post really touched me.

    Well first things first....is there a way you can contact your sister? When you say you left her behind do you mean that she is all alone without your support and love? If so then contacting her would certainly go a long way to reaching out to her and she will know you care? Are you concerned about her being with your abuser? If so perhaps you need to involve the authorities..you don't want what happened to you to happen to her and that would help prevent it.
    I too was the victim of sexual assault once so know some of the pain and shame that comes with it. We have a forum here just dedicated to this sort of ordeal and in it you will find many that share your plight and perhaps you will get some of the support and understanding to help yo deal.

    Why do you say you don't deserve any help? I think you have let the sadness effect your thinking and thus feel bad about yourself when in fact not of that shit was your fault. YOu sound like a very bright and articulate young woman, have to be smart to make it to uni that is certain, and your love for your sister shows that you have a big caring heart which makes you very deserving indeed.

    Please be careful with the drugs and alcohol that is a black hole that will suck you up, cause further depression and leads to acts of regret to say nothing of helping further your life and the efforts you have made thus far. Please don't hurt yourself in this way...I have been down that road and Eme there is nothing good to come of it.

    So can you contact your sister? I think it would help you feel connected and eliminate the guilt you feel a lot.

    I am here for you...
     
  10. Pink Teardrops

    Pink Teardrops Well-Known Member

    Your kind words have made me cry.. i never ever cry.
    I have no contact at all with my little sister. She is living with my mother and her boyfriend. I try to call her and i even went back there but they wouldn't let me see her. I am so afraid for her.. but what can i do? I don;t know if he is hurting her. I hope that he is too afraid to touch her because of what happened in the end with me. I have to believe he won't harm her.. i just have to.
    My mother refused to believe me about the abuse.. but in the end she had no choice to accept "something went on". She blamed me.. said i dressed to suggestively and made him "want me". I hope that she is a better mom to my sister and can keep her sister safe.. or at least watch her.
    I can't help but feel this way.. i am disgusting and a nothing. I let myself be used over and over.. like the toy that i am. I could talk and talk about why i deserve no help but.. sometimes it's better not to say anything at all.
    I drink and take pills in an effort to numb myself enough so that i'll live but at the same time i hope that i will OD or kill my liver. I know.. i'm confusing. I'm like 2 people.
    Again, thanks for taking the time to reply.
     
  11. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Oh Eme you have such a big heart...I too am hoping that bastard is too scared to pull any crap on your little sister.
    I think that is messed up your mom won't let you talk to her so let pray that all is well.
    In the meantime we have to get you strong hun and get you to stop hurting yourself with drugs etc. I know they numb you but that is just temporary and will cause more harm than good.
    I think maybe you would benefit by talking with a professional about all that you have been through and its effect on you...you have truly been dealt a lot in life so no wonder you are feeling bad about yourself but do not confuse what happened to you with who you are inside...listen to that still small voice inside your heart and you can't go wrong.
    One thing I have done is write a letter to the person I wish to speak with but can't ..you could try that and if you felt okay with it you could maybe send it to your sister. Hell if your mom opened it she would see that is was filled with nothing but love your sister and maybe she would be moved to allow you two to interact..heck maybe even a letter to Mom? Hard to advise in these situations as emotions run so high and of course your mom is not thinking very clearly in all this. I hope you consider reaching out if only for the benefit of your own heart.

    I struggle with self worth a lot but all I can tell you is that even from so far away I can tell you have a huge heart and that itself makes you very deserving.

    Are you on break from uni for now? Do you plan to go back? I think getting an education will increase your real life options and help to keep your life centered so if you can keep that up that would be great. What are you studying there?
     
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