Okay, things are getting real now, and I'm terrified. I've never really sought "proper" help for what I feel. I kind of convinced myself that it wasn't that bad, that I was being oversensitive, that everyone feels this way and no one is ever actually happy. I made half-hearted attempts at counselling several times, but was never really honest, and so it ended up being pointless and I would just figure I'd do it on my own, or that it was an innate flaw in me that I couldn't "fix" how I felt. In the last year or so, I've become more and more aware that what I feel has begun to affect my social functioning, and that it's probably a bit more serious than I used to tell myself. I've become more aware of being angry at work because I'm unhappy at home, and being morose at home because I'm angry at work, and never ever really having a "good" time when I'm surrounded by people. It's noticed at work by my closest colleague, who tells me that I should call in sick because otherwise I'll lash out at people. This is scary. The words people use to describe me now scare me. So, I've made a conscious effort to actually get proper help. I'm seeing another counsellor, an appointment offered through my workplace, and that took me the best part of a year to work up the courage to get. I've been referred by my GP to the local hospital for assessment and treatment. And this is the bit that's scaring me now. They've just called and I've actually spoken to them and have a screening assessment on Thursday. And I'm terrified. I'm scared that I'm not sick enough. I'm scared that I'm too sick. I'm scared that this referral won't be enough. I'm scared of getting stuck in a loop of hospital referrals. I'm scared of this not being the right treatment. I'm scared of asking my manager for time off to go to these appointments. I'm scared of once again not being open enough. I'm scared of having hospital admissions on my record if I ever want to work in healthcare. I'm scared of not getting better, and I'm scared of being better. This is all I've known, I've started to identify with it. So who am I if I'm not like this anymore? I'm scared that, at the end of the day, I'm not enough.