scared

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by delicateshadow, Sep 27, 2006.

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  1. delicateshadow

    delicateshadow Antiquitie's Friend

    When I saw my therapist on Monday, she said she had to cancel the rest of her sessions this week (I have 3 sessions a week) for health reasons. This really has shaken me up. I am scared and don't feel safe.

    I have a dissociative disorder as well as depression and PTSD, and several of my split off selves have a number of plans. Plans to end my life if the pain gets too much.

    The urges to end my life keep flooding through me, and its so exhausting trying to hold them back,

    to my child selves a week feels like forever. when I can keep the emotional connections inside between past reality and my feelings in the present, I feel safe. when I am busy at work, I feel safe. when I am asleep, I feel safe.

    right now....I would normally be having a therapy session. and I don't feel safe at all.

    I am in email contact with the samaritans. I am seeing my GP on Friday. (prearranged before this came up) but that's not enough...

    I need reassurance that I am real, that I will survive, that ..... someone is out there.....
     
  2. delicateshadow

    delicateshadow Antiquitie's Friend

    is anyone out there?

    is anyone listening?

    I just need to see I exist. and that it's ok to feel.

    where are you?
     
  3. consciousinsane

    consciousinsane Well-Known Member

    Sorry no one posted for you this morning. I just now saw this. I imagine it must be depressing when no one responds to you. I get depressed when I don't get emails. I even like some of the better spam emails...lets me know I'm still in the world. I go to see my therapist today. I don't feel as good about going like you do. In fact, I wish I could skip it.

    dissociative disorder? So you have multiple personalities? Not sure what that means. Sometimes I feel like there is "someone" else inside me. I've tried to explain it to a couple people, but they either say nothing back or just "ok" with that deer in head lights look. :blink:

    Just a suggestion....but if you like to write, you could write down how your thearpy sessions would go. (or just think it.) Even consider what your therapist might say or ask. That helps me sometimes.
     
  4. delicateshadow

    delicateshadow Antiquitie's Friend

    thanks for replying. it matters to me that someone cares enough to reply.

    my therapist phoned last night. she needs to take another 2 weeks off.

    I feel awful.
    I saw my GP this morning. (and will be seeing her again next Friday, when she'll review whether to increase my antidepressant dosage.)
    She says its fine to take a sleeping tablet as well if I need.
    Which is good, because I hardly slept at all last night, unfortunately. I guess I was still in shock.

    my GP advised me to take my old medication (quite a lot of efexor) in the chemist to dispose of. which I have done. (I told her of my 'plans'.) I will probably ask my flatmate to look after-hide my spare propranolol (beta blocker I take for panic) for me until I feel safer.

    I don't have full multiple personality disorder as such. but pretty close too. I am co-conscious, which means I am aware when another version of myself 'comes out'. but can't necesarily always stop them. but I do my best to remain aware and contain things. my therapist helps me keep things safe, helps makes my feelings safe. and when she's not there....
     
  5. consciousinsane

    consciousinsane Well-Known Member

    Another 2 weeks!! Wow. It would have been nice if a temporary therapist could be seeing you. co-conscious?... That sounds like me. Thing is I looked up DID and it said it's mostly due to PTSD. I've never had any trauma happen too me. In kindergarten I was in a Flood, but I don't remember it being traumatic. Anyways..... it's great that you have a flatmate to help you control your meds. If I was you (and had no plans) I would definatly take a sleeping pill. I always find that when I get super depressed that sleep is the best thing I can do.

    I'll be thinking about you. Stay safe.
     
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    My first impression is that you are quite fortunate (as i am)and brave, to have a relationship with a therapist that will be missed in that way. Maybe we can form a support circle for you, so that you know you are not alone...believe it, or not, the time will pass...and yes, maybe there is someone who can be 'on call' should you need the professional support...it is great that you reached out like this...please PM me if you need a caring ear (eye) during this time...big hugs, Jackie
     
  7. max911

    max911 Well-Known Member

    The problem it seems is that you've become co-dependant on your therapist.

    It does feel lonely, and you get confused and scared when you are away from them, but you need to get a grip around you, look beyond the clouds and see the light. You almost get a pit where your heart is, almost like when you first went through a break up or just lost a loved one. It's normal to feel this, and it's just there to remind you that you can be more sad then you usually feel, but it also means you can be happier.

    If you ever want someone to talk to, feel free to talk to me.

    AIM: maxd911
    YIM: dodobother@yahoo.com
    MSN: dodobother@yahoo.com
    Xfire: kyosukan
     
  8. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Hello hun, you are most certainly real, and will be okay, I am sorry your therapist had to cancel your appointments......but it'll be okay sweetie, I know life is hard a lot.....it seems never ending I know......and it is most definatly okay to feel, it's not feeling that gets ya in trouble....but I understand, I dissociate still, don't even know it when I start to, because I am so use to it, but our mind thinks it protecting us, it's a coping skill you learn when you have been in trauma and such things..



    But it'll be okay hun, just come on here if you feel you need to talk or if you feel you don't trust yourself.


    If you want to talk you can add me to your msn my msn is: painNsiolence@hotmail.com and my yahoo: tha_cross_woman@yahoo.com


    I just wanted you to know there are people that understand and are here for you.......Don't hesitate to cantact me if you need anything......:hug: :cheekkiss


    xxx

    With lots hugs,
    Carolyn.
     
  9. delicateshadow

    delicateshadow Antiquitie's Friend

    thank you.

    the zopiclone really helped on Friday night.

    The moderator of a primal psychotherapy email support group I am a member
    of has offered to give me regular phone 'buddy' support sessions during this
    time. I had one last night, and she is phoning again on Wednesday.

    My managers at work are aware of the situation, and are supportive.

    I am making good use of several Bach flower remedies, and they seem to be
    helping - Star of Bethlehem for shock, Cherry Plum for fear of loss of control,
    and Sweet Chestnut for despair.

    Yes, I am 'dependent', but, because of my early trauma, going through dependency feelings is part of my recovery, part of my growth.

    I can feel that ache, yes. but I have never had a lover, so this is all very new for me, these feelings on an unplanned and unexpected separation. (although not totally new, because of my early separation from my mother, when I was newborn, because of my prematurity, she never held or was close to me for, yes, 3 weeks, until I was 3 weeks old. With what is happening now I am able to consciously process these feelings, and it hurts, but I am starting to feel myself growing a little stronger.)

    there are later traumas the feelings of which are triggered too, threats my emotionally abusive father made when I was 5 years old. so this is multi-layered.

    yes, I am very fortunate, my therapist is very special to me. she knows me better and more than anyone else has ever done. more than my own mother.

    a support circle sounds a wonderful idea...tell me more...

    that people care means a lot. thank you.
     
  10. babycheeses

    babycheeses Active Member

    Hey, sounds like you're pretty aware of what you're going through and you're dealing with it really well. So kudos for that!

    Once you've started dealing with a challenge (like the absence of your therapist) it shows great strength of character.

    Hope it's all still going okay for you :smile:
     
  11. delicateshadow

    delicateshadow Antiquitie's Friend

    thank you. :) I hope so too. Its such a relief when I feel respite from the torturous feelings. I am starting to get a hold of them too, in understanding how one of my split off parts (the one who has anorexic tendencies, and who is emotionally as a concentration camp victim) wants pain, as it helps her feel real, and is what she's used to. I don't have to or need to feel in that degree of emotional pain all the time, but, at the same time, I can contain and understand the origins of the feelings at another layer....most of the time...at least I hope so...
     
  12. babycheeses

    babycheeses Active Member

    Well you seem to have a good hold of it, as far as I can tell. I don't know you personally but I'm a perceptable reader, hehe.

    I think my big problem is not seeing a therapist. I can't afford one and I'm not sure a councellor would help. I think I worry about being diagnosed but then if I'm not I'm not sure I'll understand what's going on in my head. It'd be good to conceptualise the noise.
     
  13. delicateshadow

    delicateshadow Antiquitie's Friend

    thank you.

    this morning I feel awful.

    I woke up in a panic attack. I felt like I was dying. then I cried for a long time.

    I'm supposed to go into work this afternoon, and I feel really vulnerable.
    I guess I can only try...
     
  14. max911

    max911 Well-Known Member

    Have you ever thought of writing a novel?

    What could help supress those emotions is to actually write a novel, telling the story of your different personalties, like the concentration camp personality. I suggest doing this once your therapist is back as the emotion you are writing of tends to be more heavily active, but you should have less bouts of it after you have finished it, and maybe you can even get it published. :)
     
  15. delicateshadow

    delicateshadow Antiquitie's Friend

    interesting you talk about this...I am already writing...I wouldn't call it a novel....more therapeutic biography....

    this is so hard.....feels unbearable still/again...

    on top of all that I have got a cold.....that softened the pain for about half a day, and then it returned.
     
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