I have an appointment at Mind in the morning. Just to discuss what they have to offer and what I could benefit from etc. I know it's nothing to be scared of, and it's quite standard compared to like therapy or psych appointments, but I am absolutely terrified. I've left the house three times this YEAR, so the whole general anxiety thing is really bad for me. But this is also the first time I've contacted somewhere myself to ask for help. So I guess, to my mind, this is the start of recovery for me. And I'm SCARED of recovery. Why is that? Why am I SCARED to get BETTER? Because you can't fall down if you're already on the floor. Because if I get better, something else will happen bad and knock me down again. It will hurt more to be knocked BACK to the floor, than it will to STAY on the floor. Because I know I have so much to go through; a lot of things I've never dealt with that need to be dealt with (and that is going to HURT like heck). Because I have to let the pain out; I have to let it GO. Why am I scared to let the pain GO? Because it means letting Mum go. I'm sure that's what it is. My pain is entirely down to grief. I know this now. Even when I'm upset because someone's gone out for a while, it's grief. It's like, a section of the grief I should have felt eleven years ago. I'm scared of people leaving me - whether by death or other circumstances. Getting better means letting people in again, and having to face more hurt and grief. People, mean grief. The three most crucial characters in my day-to-day life are elderly. I have to go through their deaths. Grief and death and such is a part of life, I KNOW, please don't tell me. But the truth is, I cannot deal with it, I cannot face life with this issue in it. Life is so so hard, and I am just not meant to take it. Even life without grief/death would be too hard for me. I'll go tomorrow, to Mind. But... I'm not meant for this.