Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bagpuss18, May 4, 2011.

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  1. Bagpuss18

    Bagpuss18 Well-Known Member

    I have an appointment at Mind in the morning. Just to discuss what they have to offer and what I could benefit from etc. I know it's nothing to be scared of, and it's quite standard compared to like therapy or psych appointments, but I am absolutely terrified. I've left the house three times this YEAR, so the whole general anxiety thing is really bad for me. But this is also the first time I've contacted somewhere myself to ask for help. So I guess, to my mind, this is the start of recovery for me. And I'm SCARED of recovery. Why is that? Why am I SCARED to get BETTER?

    Because you can't fall down if you're already on the floor. Because if I get better, something else will happen bad and knock me down again. It will hurt more to be knocked BACK to the floor, than it will to STAY on the floor. Because I know I have so much to go through; a lot of things I've never dealt with that need to be dealt with (and that is going to HURT like heck). Because I have to let the pain out; I have to let it GO. Why am I scared to let the pain GO? Because it means letting Mum go. I'm sure that's what it is.

    My pain is entirely down to grief. I know this now. Even when I'm upset because someone's gone out for a while, it's grief. It's like, a section of the grief I should have felt eleven years ago. I'm scared of people leaving me - whether by death or other circumstances. Getting better means letting people in again, and having to face more hurt and grief. People, mean grief.

    The three most crucial characters in my day-to-day life are elderly. I have to go through their deaths. Grief and death and such is a part of life, I KNOW, please don't tell me. But the truth is, I cannot deal with it, I cannot face life with this issue in it.

    Life is so so hard, and I am just not meant to take it. Even life without grief/death would be too hard for me.

    I'll go tomorrow, to Mind. But... I'm not meant for this.
  2. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    first steps are hard . WELL DONE for making those steps i know you think tomorrow is the first one but its not ..the first one was asking for help and you have already done that.
    When we cant face something its because we cant cope with it usually. We cant cope with something that we dont have the tools to use to cope with it. People like mind will point you in the right direction as to how to aquire the tools to cope and face what you dont want to face. Many of the members here can understand your grief and loss. I can also...having lost my mother and both grandmothers and my daughter. Im saying this so that you understand coping is something we learn to do its not automatic. Just take your time dont push too hard and if u ever ever need to talk just pm me ...good luck tomorrow!
    much love sarah xx
  3. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    yes, well done Bagpuss for reaching out for help in first place. Grief is a very personal thing as many here can vouch for. some have many losses to deal with some just one...but no one else's pain is less than you yours if you get what i mean.

    i dont think its that you dont want to get better, more its a fear of getting better and feeling it would be disrespectful to those you lost...you would see it as a betrayal. i can only repeat to you what my gp told me today when i told him how much therapy upset me, and that is sometimes maybe we have to confront our fears and pain to enable us to deal with it and as harsh and scary as it sounds...thats what you need to do.

    as for going out..well i understand that...i rarely left the house like you...i dont go in my garden or anything like that, i cant do shops, but a friend comes every day now to take me for short walk which we extend. go sit outside now for a while...let the anxiety wash over you, and stay there until the anxiety eases...then go out and sit again...so it wont be so bad tomorrow.

    no one will judge you and you have done the right thing, good luck.. :hug:
  4. Bagpuss18

    Bagpuss18 Well-Known Member


    I'm just not sure I can deal with the pain I need to feel. I'm not sure I have enough left of me to survive that process. I know I need to feel the pain, to let it out, and to let it go... But I just don't feel strong enough.

    Is it weird to go to appts and try stuff, knowing at the back of your mind, that if you can't handle it, you'll go ahead with your plan on your set date? Is it ok to take up the services, when someone else could have their life back from it? Is it ok to take up their time when you're pretty sure you can't do your part in the deal?
  5. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    but you dont know you cant, you just feel you cant. i didnt want to go as i am sure many here didnt, and as much as i hate it, its the right thing to do for everyone else that has and is trying to help.

    go the appointments, give it a try...the first few will be the hardest as you build some sort of rapport with your therapist or whoever...but you owe it to yourself to give it a try, you are taking nothing from anyone, just giving yourself a fair chance.
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    My therapist says what we go thru is a learned behavour and it can be reversed.. I'm not to sure about that because I have been in therapy for five years..You took a big step comeing here..Use us as a sounding board.. Just open up and say what ever comes to mind..You can vent your frustrations here without being judged.. Thats what we are here for.. To show you support.. Take care!!
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