Scared

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MoAnamCara, Jul 3, 2011.

  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I've been trying to limit my postings or my threads I should say, it was getting a bit rediculous. I hate feeling I need to reach out, so many people here are in such more emotional & physical pain. Somedays I cry when I read other's pain and anguish here, it is sad.

    But today is a little hard, or this afternoon is a little hard for me.

    I'm getting worked up over a lot of things, trying awfully hard not to. I brought each of the dogs for a walk and it was great when I was with them but then the mind goes into overdrive when its not kept busy or distracted.

    I can feel the anxiety rising, am trying not to let it get out of control. I haven't had alcohol or SI in a bit, so thats all good, but I don't want tonight to end up a mess as I feel like I'm heading in that direction.

    Its a holiday, you see lots of family gatherings etc. Maybe thats part of whats getting me down. Missing what I never really had? Well I had, but it was different. Its hard to explain. Holidays etc., are tough I find. They remind us of those we have lost and who we wish we could see again.

    This year it reminds me again of whats going on. This may be her last holiday - who knows?

    And I truly miss a friend and wish I could help them, be there for them, do something more useful than typing words.

    And I'm scared for me. Its so insensitive of me and so selfish of me to feel this way. I know this, but I have to admit it somewhere, this is how I feel.

    I'm scared of more test results, of all the unknowns about me right now. I feel like the worst is yet to come.

    How will I look after them if I am ill or can't do what I've always done? Or will they pass before I get too bad? The pains right now are becoming bothersome, its getting me down. But am keeping it all to myself, whether thats right or wrong to do, they don't need the stress or the worry.

    Am I wishing or willing my life away because of this, or is this just a grand excuse to throw the towel in?

    There are so many emotions and thoughts going on in my mind. Where can I get some strength from to keep going? Sometimes words are wonderful, sometimes they just can't permeate my mind, my heart, like a touch or a look can.

    :i'm sorry:
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Glad you are posting and reaching out hun you can never post too much here. I hope you can talk to someone in real life hun to ease that anxiety and worry of what might be. hugs to you
     
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks TE

    I posted here as I don't have anyone IRL that I am comfortable discussing things with.

    Tonight is a bad night. I don't want to be here, as in going through this, as in struggling, as in alone, as in reliving things over and over, as in worrying about them, as in worrying now about myself, as in feeling like I hurt those who mean something to me.

    I give up. I feel empty & sad.
     
  4. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    im so sorry you feel so bad :( :hug: keep posting hun - nobody minds and you can post as much as you want if it helps... here if you needs :arms:
     
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks Sparkle

    I've said enough, its not helping.

    I'm not sure what will.
     
  6. The Unforgiven

    The Unforgiven Well-Known Member

    you arent alone, we are here. thats what we're about, arent we? being there. :hug:
    pm me if you fancy a chat, and again, youre not alone. :hug:
     
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks Kitty, hope your day is a good one.
     
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    So, if I can't "hold on", if I can't "get it together", if I can't "be strong", or "live one day at a time" or the hundreds of other wonderful pieces of advice, what should I do?

    Quit complaining, cut the rope, be done, extinguished?

    I'm agitated, I don't really know why. My morning started out pretty good. Now I'm an anxious mess.

    I have got to calm down.

    Why post anyhow? Grrrrrrr.... :wallbash:

    :zipped:
     
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You post to get the anger the agitation out if you say you can even if you don't believe it that helps i can make it through the next hour i can reach out to sf for help i can call crisis line to talk to get help. i can call my doctor and say i need some help different meds I can do these things and i will. i know it will be hard but it is doable that is what you tell your brain hugs
     
  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    TE - I'm NOT ungrateful. Please don't think that. Logically, you are quite correct.

    I'm in that negative-filled vibe, nothing is right, nothing will make sense, nothing matters.

    I can't call crisis line with others in the house. Its hard for me to leave the house unannounced or without just cause or someone else here.

    Its a holiday, so no doc. Is it enough of an emergency to call my T? Hmm.. on a holiday? I just can't do that. Better off to deal myself.

    You see, I'm pretty sure until she passes, I won't do anything. I say I'm pretty sure because I don't wish to leave her die alone. I also say I'm pretty sure, because there have been and probably will be again times that I am just overcome.

    So I'm a big fat liar.

    All my talk, no action.

    I want banned from SF so badly. Yet I know if I do stupid things, out of character things to make that happen, that I will truly be lost without even this.

    :cry: I can't do this today.
     
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I don't want you to be all alone with this hun keep posting okay it does help and it is okay to be angry agitated whatever you are feeling post it out here hugs
     
  12. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I don't want to be angry or agitated, I'll SI.

    I don't want to keep posting, I feel stupid enough as it is.

    Its okay, I'm done.
     
  13. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Do you have a cell phone? Could you go for a long walk to a park and call the crisis lines from there? Or if no cell phone, go for a walk and find a public phone and call from there?

    Keep posting here. :) We're happy to offer support.

    If you feel things are going to go out of control for you, head to the hospital. You said you're feeling selfish. I don't believe you are. EVERYBODY has needs, no matter what their other responsibilities are. We cannot offer our best or strongest support/help to others if our own needs are starving. You're allowed to have needs, feelings, ups and downs.

    Post so that your own feelings and needs are expressed. We will support as well as we can, OK?

    :hug:
     
  14. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I can't leave, I'm looking after someone.

    I can't not be here for them.

    It would be selfish of me to do so. Either short term or long term.

    I thought about taking a walk, but I can't leave right now.

    Its ok, its not worth replying.

    I truly apologize for wasting your time, appreciate your efforts.
     
  15. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    You're not wasting anyone's time. I'm sorry you can't leave for a few minutes. Can you do anything that is for you while you are there? I mean, like make a cup of tea/coffee and just sit quietly sipping on it...Are able to focus on a book for a few minutes? Even a quick face wash and combing your hair might help you feel less stressed. Thinking of you...
     
  16. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I'm really trying guys, I swear.

    I just feel like I'm going to explode today, is too much.

    thanks for responding.
     
  17. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    So here I sit, another night.

    Full of emotion, none of it feeling too good.

    Unsure how or if I should reach out to certain people.

    So instead I'll deal as best I can on my own, for as long as I can.

    Its not a question of breathing or not breathing tonight. Its a question of coping. If I cannot cope, then there no longer will be any question.

    Why do things have to happen all together. One damn thing after another.

    Unsure why I started crying a little while ago, but all done with now. A momentary lapse of feeling, allowing all to become overwhelming. No point in feeling sorry for myself, being selfish or self absorbed. Will do no one no good.

    I would very much like to cut tonight. Thats all I need to say about that.

    I hate this, all of this. Why can't I just get on with it, quit complaining, quit feeling like I need help, quit wondering how I'm going to deal with this.
     
  18. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    So I reached out, called therapist. Got voicemail and what do I say? Oooh, no need to call back?

    Why can't I ask for what I need? Perhaps I need to know what I need ir am looking for first.

    Stupid. :(