I've been trying to limit my postings or my threads I should say, it was getting a bit rediculous. I hate feeling I need to reach out, so many people here are in such more emotional & physical pain. Somedays I cry when I read other's pain and anguish here, it is sad.
But today is a little hard, or this afternoon is a little hard for me.
I'm getting worked up over a lot of things, trying awfully hard not to. I brought each of the dogs for a walk and it was great when I was with them but then the mind goes into overdrive when its not kept busy or distracted.
I can feel the anxiety rising, am trying not to let it get out of control. I haven't had alcohol or SI in a bit, so thats all good, but I don't want tonight to end up a mess as I feel like I'm heading in that direction.
Its a holiday, you see lots of family gatherings etc. Maybe thats part of whats getting me down. Missing what I never really had? Well I had, but it was different. Its hard to explain. Holidays etc., are tough I find. They remind us of those we have lost and who we wish we could see again.
This year it reminds me again of whats going on. This may be her last holiday - who knows?
And I truly miss a friend and wish I could help them, be there for them, do something more useful than typing words.
And I'm scared for me. Its so insensitive of me and so selfish of me to feel this way. I know this, but I have to admit it somewhere, this is how I feel.
I'm scared of more test results, of all the unknowns about me right now. I feel like the worst is yet to come.
How will I look after them if I am ill or can't do what I've always done? Or will they pass before I get too bad? The pains right now are becoming bothersome, its getting me down. But am keeping it all to myself, whether thats right or wrong to do, they don't need the stress or the worry.
Am I wishing or willing my life away because of this, or is this just a grand excuse to throw the towel in?
There are so many emotions and thoughts going on in my mind. Where can I get some strength from to keep going? Sometimes words are wonderful, sometimes they just can't permeate my mind, my heart, like a touch or a look can.
:i'm sorry:
But today is a little hard, or this afternoon is a little hard for me.
I'm getting worked up over a lot of things, trying awfully hard not to. I brought each of the dogs for a walk and it was great when I was with them but then the mind goes into overdrive when its not kept busy or distracted.
I can feel the anxiety rising, am trying not to let it get out of control. I haven't had alcohol or SI in a bit, so thats all good, but I don't want tonight to end up a mess as I feel like I'm heading in that direction.
Its a holiday, you see lots of family gatherings etc. Maybe thats part of whats getting me down. Missing what I never really had? Well I had, but it was different. Its hard to explain. Holidays etc., are tough I find. They remind us of those we have lost and who we wish we could see again.
This year it reminds me again of whats going on. This may be her last holiday - who knows?
And I truly miss a friend and wish I could help them, be there for them, do something more useful than typing words.
And I'm scared for me. Its so insensitive of me and so selfish of me to feel this way. I know this, but I have to admit it somewhere, this is how I feel.
I'm scared of more test results, of all the unknowns about me right now. I feel like the worst is yet to come.
How will I look after them if I am ill or can't do what I've always done? Or will they pass before I get too bad? The pains right now are becoming bothersome, its getting me down. But am keeping it all to myself, whether thats right or wrong to do, they don't need the stress or the worry.
Am I wishing or willing my life away because of this, or is this just a grand excuse to throw the towel in?
There are so many emotions and thoughts going on in my mind. Where can I get some strength from to keep going? Sometimes words are wonderful, sometimes they just can't permeate my mind, my heart, like a touch or a look can.
:i'm sorry: