Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MoAnamCara, Jul 14, 2011.

  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I'm scared.

    Test results for my one showed growth which isn't good.

    My therapist said I could call or email yesterday if I needed to, I poo-poo'd it. But after getting the results I couldn't call as my one was with me, so I sent a quick email and have heard nothing back. She is away now for a bit. I am very sad about this, angry too in a way. Don't offer me something please on/for an important day and then do nothing when I take advantage of that offer. I really feel quite insignificant and abandoned in a way. Sounds childish I know but honestly I'm questioning her sincerity. (trust is an issue for me anyhow)

    Then I'm trying to stay strong and in control all afternoon/evening/night and into this morning. But now, I'm breaking.

    Am unsure how I'm going to get through this. And the waiting on decisions for what to do is going to be hard. Hospice? more treatment? Don't these docs know they have peoples lives in their hands, however short or long they may be?

    I feel very alone right now. Scared. Alone.
  2. NiceGuYKC

    NiceGuYKC Well-Known Member

    You're not alone. We care.
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist


    But it doesn't feel like it.

    Seems I've managed to push some folks away. Shouldn't be a surprise. Everyone has their own lives and issues, why should mine be special to require more attention?

    Excuse me, but fuck it all.

    why bother?

    Emailed some family re what was going on. Haven't heard a peep back. People I thought cared just don't seem to. I'm so stupid.

    So fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

    At some point here I won't be here for you all to put up with.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Mo, I just saw this.. I haven't been on line long the past few days..You know I care!! We have just become friends and I am here for you to talk to..I know I am going thru some shit right now but I still will be here.. I know you have been thru alot..You have stayed when alot of people would have bailed..That shows you have a big heart and really care about your partner..Keep talking to me!!!
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    just spotted your post Mo..
    I'm sorry and I care...
    I can hear how upset you are and with just cause..
    is there another therapist you can talk to ..maybe GP?
    we're here for you and I hope you'll keep reaching out for support
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I'm sorry if I was rude.

    I'm feeling so very vulnerable in a way. I try and reach out, which isn't really an easy thing for me to do • yet all I encounter feels like rejection for lack of a better word.

    I am unsure I suppose of the unknown. How many weeks or months will this go on?

    a horrible day. Glad its tomorrow already.

    And thank you IV & stranger for your words and caring. Take care.
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    :arms: :thumbup:
    keep reaching out Mo..this must be hard on you hearing news like that so can understand why you feel vulnerable..
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Today I lost it. I was doing pretty good holding it in, keeping myself together. I was driving and out of nowhere the tears came. I'm not sure they are completely aware of the implications if further growth during treatment. For now, what's the point in me ensuring they understand? Better to live in some ignorance till the next apt rather than me exposing the reality.

    It will be hard, it is hard. How do I stay in control, seemingly strong etc. When in reality I'm crumbling?

    Why is it my responsibility to know all this info and deal with it? Can't they own some of their disease ?

    Its a bad, bad thing for me to say out loud. Sometimes I simply hate ny thoughts.

    Tired of all of this.
  9. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    And the rollercoaster continues.

    Today I want out, I wish I could hide, run away.

    I doubt how to get through this. I doubt myself.

    I don't want to weigh down folks here, I am sorry.

    I'm doing my "all is fine" routine, honestly.

    I feel naked putting myself out there like this.

    My anxiety is rising, things are becoming overwhelming. I know I need to get a grip. I need to wise up. I need to be strong as folks see I am.

    What a joke.
  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Its so fabulous out, yet it feels like storm clouds are over me.

    Why this self pity?

    Why do I feel so alone, still, constantly?

    Why do I need more than people are willing to give me?

    Why do I push anyone away who shows interest or caring?

    Why am I me? Too, too long of an answer.

    Ugh, my internal screams are loud yet why can no one hear or see me?
  11. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    And who f-ing cares anyhow..right?

    am I really this stupid?

  12. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Heya, why the self-hate rant, MoAnamCara?

    You're human and want someone to hear you. Nothing wrong with that. :)

    Thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon :hug:
  13. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Just over "me".
  14. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I feel the same about myself too Mo..
    got no advice ...sorry :hugtackles:
  15. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member


    I don't really know you, but am waiting for my own biopsy results so only know a little of what you are going through, so just wanted to send a hug and support. Its not easy and its shit that this has happened to you :grouphug:

    I am sorry I have no wonderful words of wisdom, just hope it helps a little to know people care, I care and even though it feels like it you are not going through this alone ok!! Please be kind to yourself, especially now!

    Ditsy x
  16. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    Mo, you are often in my thoughts. I wish I could carry some of your pain, and fear for you. Unfortunately I can't. Will you settle for this? :hug:
  17. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks IV, Ditsy, Julia

    Means a lot and I mean a LOT to me.

    This "journey" as people call it, is a lonely one, and as a caregiver you are invisible a lot of the time. Its not something I'd wish on anyone, 'nor any serious illness either mind you.

    It has resulted in a breakdown of our relationship pretty much, personalities have changed - just a lot of external pressures - so it is understandable, yet sad.

    I do not wish for our remaining time together to be one of discontent. Yet their treatment of me at this time is questionable and triggering much from my past.

    enough said, we all have our "stuff" to deal with. I said I'd be here for them while they were on this earth - having a reason or being able to continue afterwards is questionable.

    Ditsy - will be sending good thoughts your way for a good results.

    Take care.
  18. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Two days to go until we find out if this is the end of the road for treatment.

    Two days, well less than that, now. A day and a half.

    Am I just being pessimistic thinking the news will be ugly? Why do I feel no hope, no optimism? I'm resigned perhaps to the reality of this, and to take care of them until they pass, to watch them die. To be left alone.

    Maybe its because I know better than to expect anything different. I've read enough to know this is probably the end of the treatment line.

    Its so scary. I have to try and be strong and supportive and to be there for them, yet this is so hard when inside I am disintegrating.

    On the other hand, what gives me the right to think that this is all about me and what I feel? That IS most certainly selfish. They are the ones facing all of this. The least I can do is be there for them.

    But when being there for them involves sometimes emotionally abusive behaviors its just all reminds me too much of before. Its hard to accept this one person I believed in so much is turning that way. But if I think about it, I wonder if I were facing a similar set of circumstances, how would my behavior be?

    Cancer is not a free pass for abusive anything. It makes me sad, it makes me angry, it makes me want to scream, and makes me want to run away from it all.

    Ugh, heading downwards this evening, I don't want to go there.