Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Wastingecho, Sep 22, 2011.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    my moods are all over the place - i have no control over them - none at all

    calm one second, sobbing hysterically the next - anything can set me off

    confronted again today by the company's annual hell process where i have to identify multiple ways to prove i have value to the company - without any guidance or knowledge of what my department's goals are

    like being asked to hit the bullseye but they've taken the weapons and hidden the target - and all i get is condescension if i ask

    "you're a senior person" "just do it"

    i can't do it - couldn't do it last year or the year before that or the year before that...

    found myself pressing something sharp against myself - hard enough to leave marks - never done that before - held it there for a good long time waiting to see if i could push it that little bit more

    mods if this is too much, edit it, i understand but i have to try and say this somehow

    this is not my "normal" reaction - "normally", as someone once put it, I would "walk around pouring things down my throat" - but nothing violent

    but for one second, for one heartbeat, i knew i could do it - knew i could physically hurt myself and watch myself die - and for that moment, that instant...

    i wanted to

    marks have faded now but i keep rubbing my skin, touching the place where they were

    and i keep thinking how easy it would be to do it again

    i'm not sure why i'm saying this - not sure what i want to happen

    not sure of anything any more except how much i want to die right at this moment

    thought i could use "staying alive for another year" as a goal, but it conflicts with the company philosophy - goals are supposed to be achievable
  2. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we love you here buddy!! hang in there
  3. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    Well, if all they can do i berate you like that, I would honestly start looking for a new job. Of course you have tenure.

    Are you manager, and that's why they put so much into getting you to do stuff?
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I think that companies do this just to put pressure on people. it's to make you scared of losing your job and work harder for less pay

    maybe a career counselor could help you make a switch

    if you want to stay with this place, it may be good to understand that they are just trying to squeeze you
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You are so bright and as I see from your last line, you have not lost your sense of humor...glad you told us what was going on...and yes, that is scary...I will remind your for the ..... time, not sure how many, that I am just a short train ride away...I have been and seen people at their worst and at their best...thinking about you...J
  6. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    don't mean to disappoint but my last line wasn't meant to be funny - everything is getting worse, more intense, more unbearable

    i don't see myself being alive by my next birthday

    can't find another job - have to hold on to this one

    at least if i'm still there when i die, my insurance will get the kids through school with plenty left over to get started
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Ok...just a train ride away, and you know the numbers to text...J
  8. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    Much love to you, I am sorry things are so bad right now. I know the feeling. I don't know what to do to help you, but if there was something I could do I would do it because being in that much pain is not right.
  9. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    echo I'm sorry you're in such a bad way...
    I think you need to get to a doctor or the hospital asap..
    your children will find it extremely painful and maybe not able to finish school if you go
    please get help...there must be something the professionals can do..*hug*
  10. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Another in Chinatown (The Thailand Restaurant-Baxter and Bayard ST-N train, walk down Mott or Baxter to Bayard), early dinner, back on the LIRR by 8PM? any Monday or Tuesday would work for me...and, BTW, I do not give up
  11. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    Professionals are useless - last doc "gave up" - his words, not mine

    No more - no more trying, no more meds - unless they're the ones I've been saving

    I'm trying - godfuckingdammit I'm trying but I don't know why any more

    It's not worth it - just not worth it
  12. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I do get it echo..I just don't want you to go
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 23, 2011
  13. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    not doing anyone much good here

    not my job, not my family

    not myself
  14. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we love you here.
  15. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    nothing left to love

    no one loves an empty container
  16. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    tried to go into chat again

    wanted to try and pretend that i'm not alone - even none of the cats will come near me now

    couldn't do it - tried - kept running away

    how pathetic is that
  17. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Aww.. =[ What's up?
  18. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    too lonely and i know i'll never change it

    it hurts but it makes sense

    always knew i'd die alone
  19. kote

    kote Account Closed

    my work/career led me to a total breakdown.
    it has been so hard to walk away.
    ive tried 6-7 times starting afresh and each time just giving up.
    ive lost the passion for it.
    so i focus on my kids now and then my dog and hobbies.
    its a huge burden to get through as its always supposed to be the man earning. but my wife can see how hard i tried and she would rather see me in bed than dead.
    if work is dragging you down please reconsider your life options. you dont have to be the main earner, you dont have to put all the preasure of life on you. you deserve a break!!! - if you can let go then this meeting wont matter so much. just blag your way through it and dont worry.
    my dr. said to me i took things too seriously ( i was good and proud of my work ) but it also dug a hole for me. everytime ive tried to go back the dr said to only give 50% and not to care. unfortunately i couldnt but maybe you can. good luck!!!
  20. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    life options are easy

    live or die

    doesn't get any simpler than that

    but why should i choose the former when all i do is fuck things up?

    when i can't work properly?

    when i can't take care of my family right?

    when i can't remember what life was like without the pain of constant failure?

    when no one really knows or wants me?

    including myself

    i get up, shower, dress for work in the dark - that way i don't have to see the face i hate in the mirror every morning, the face that screams failure, the face i want to kill
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