scared

[Wastingecho]

my moods are all over the place - i have no control over them - none at all

calm one second, sobbing hysterically the next - anything can set me off

confronted again today by the company's annual hell process where i have to identify multiple ways to prove i have value to the company - without any guidance or knowledge of what my department's goals are

like being asked to hit the bullseye but they've taken the weapons and hidden the target - and all i get is condescension if i ask

"you're a senior person" "just do it"

i can't do it - couldn't do it last year or the year before that or the year before that...

found myself pressing something sharp against myself - hard enough to leave marks - never done that before - held it there for a good long time waiting to see if i could push it that little bit more

mods if this is too much, edit it, i understand but i have to try and say this somehow

this is not my "normal" reaction - "normally", as someone once put it, I would "walk around pouring things down my throat" - but nothing violent

but for one second, for one heartbeat, i knew i could do it - knew i could physically hurt myself and watch myself die - and for that moment, that instant...

i wanted to

marks have faded now but i keep rubbing my skin, touching the place where they were

and i keep thinking how easy it would be to do it again

i'm not sure why i'm saying this - not sure what i want to happen

not sure of anything any more except how much i want to die right at this moment

thought i could use "staying alive for another year" as a goal, but it conflicts with the company philosophy - goals are supposed to be achievable

 

[jxdama]

we love you here buddy!! hang in there

 

[lightbeam]

Well, if all they can do i berate you like that, I would honestly start looking for a new job. Of course you have tenure.

Are you manager, and that's why they put so much into getting you to do stuff?

 

[may71]

I think that companies do this just to put pressure on people. it's to make you scared of losing your job and work harder for less pay

maybe a career counselor could help you make a switch

if you want to stay with this place, it may be good to understand that they are just trying to squeeze you

 

[Sadeyes]

You are so bright and as I see from your last line, you have not lost your sense of humor...glad you told us what was going on...and yes, that is scary...I will remind your for the ..... time, not sure how many, that I am just a short train ride away...I have been and seen people at their worst and at their best...thinking about you...J

 

[Wastingecho]

don't mean to disappoint but my last line wasn't meant to be funny - everything is getting worse, more intense, more unbearable

i don't see myself being alive by my next birthday

can't find another job - have to hold on to this one

at least if i'm still there when i die, my insurance will get the kids through school with plenty left over to get started

 

[Sadeyes]

Ok...just a train ride away, and you know the numbers to text...J

 

[swimmergirl]

Much love to you, I am sorry things are so bad right now. I know the feeling. I don't know what to do to help you, but if there was something I could do I would do it because being in that much pain is not right.

 

[IV2010]

echo I'm sorry you're in such a bad way...
I think you need to get to a doctor or the hospital asap..
your children will find it extremely painful and maybe not able to finish school if you go
please get help...there must be something the professionals can do..*

 

[Sadeyes]

Another offer...meet in Chinatown (The Thailand Restaurant-Baxter and Bayard ST-N train, walk down Mott or Baxter to Bayard), early dinner, back on the LIRR by 8PM? any Monday or Tuesday would work for me...and, BTW, I do not give up

 

[Wastingecho]

Professionals are useless - last doc "gave up" - his words, not mine

No more - no more trying, no more meds - unless they're the ones I've been saving

I'm trying - godfuckingdammit I'm trying but I don't know why any more

It's not worth it - just not worth it

 

[IV2010]

I do get it echo..I just don't want you to go
:grouphug:

 

[Wastingecho]

not doing anyone much good here

not my job, not my family

not myself

 

[jxdama]

we love you here.

 

[Wastingecho]

nothing left to love

no one loves an empty container

 

[Wastingecho]

tried to go into chat again

wanted to try and pretend that i'm not alone - even none of the cats will come near me now

couldn't do it - tried - kept running away

how pathetic is that

 

[Speedy]

Aww.. =[ What's up?

 

[Wastingecho]

too lonely and i know i'll never change it

it hurts but it makes sense

always knew i'd die alone

 

[kote]

my work/career led me to a total breakdown.
it has been so hard to walk away.
ive tried 6-7 times starting afresh and each time just giving up.
ive lost the passion for it.
so i focus on my kids now and then my dog and hobbies.
its a huge burden to get through as its always supposed to be the man earning. but my wife can see how hard i tried and she would rather see me in bed than dead.
if work is dragging you down please reconsider your life options. you dont have to be the main earner, you dont have to put all the preasure of life on you. you deserve a break!!! - if you can let go then this meeting wont matter so much. just blag your way through it and dont worry.
my dr. said to me i took things too seriously ( i was good and proud of my work ) but it also dug a hole for me. everytime ive tried to go back the dr said to only give 50% and not to care. unfortunately i couldnt but maybe you can. good luck!!!

 

[Wastingecho]

life options are easy

live or die

doesn't get any simpler than that

but why should i choose the former when all i do is fuck things up?

when i can't work properly?

when i can't take care of my family right?

when i can't remember what life was like without the pain of constant failure?

when no one really knows or wants me?

including myself

i get up, shower, dress for work in the dark - that way i don't have to see the face i hate in the mirror every morning, the face that screams failure, the face i want to kill