my moods are all over the place - i have no control over them - none at all
calm one second, sobbing hysterically the next - anything can set me off
confronted again today by the company's annual hell process where i have to identify multiple ways to prove i have value to the company - without any guidance or knowledge of what my department's goals are
like being asked to hit the bullseye but they've taken the weapons and hidden the target - and all i get is condescension if i ask
"you're a senior person" "just do it"
i can't do it - couldn't do it last year or the year before that or the year before that...
found myself pressing something sharp against myself - hard enough to leave marks - never done that before - held it there for a good long time waiting to see if i could push it that little bit more
mods if this is too much, edit it, i understand but i have to try and say this somehow
this is not my "normal" reaction - "normally", as someone once put it, I would "walk around pouring things down my throat" - but nothing violent
but for one second, for one heartbeat, i knew i could do it - knew i could physically hurt myself and watch myself die - and for that moment, that instant...
i wanted to
marks have faded now but i keep rubbing my skin, touching the place where they were
and i keep thinking how easy it would be to do it again
i'm not sure why i'm saying this - not sure what i want to happen
not sure of anything any more except how much i want to die right at this moment
thought i could use "staying alive for another year" as a goal, but it conflicts with the company philosophy - goals are supposed to be achievable
calm one second, sobbing hysterically the next - anything can set me off
confronted again today by the company's annual hell process where i have to identify multiple ways to prove i have value to the company - without any guidance or knowledge of what my department's goals are
like being asked to hit the bullseye but they've taken the weapons and hidden the target - and all i get is condescension if i ask
"you're a senior person" "just do it"
i can't do it - couldn't do it last year or the year before that or the year before that...
found myself pressing something sharp against myself - hard enough to leave marks - never done that before - held it there for a good long time waiting to see if i could push it that little bit more
mods if this is too much, edit it, i understand but i have to try and say this somehow
this is not my "normal" reaction - "normally", as someone once put it, I would "walk around pouring things down my throat" - but nothing violent
but for one second, for one heartbeat, i knew i could do it - knew i could physically hurt myself and watch myself die - and for that moment, that instant...
i wanted to
marks have faded now but i keep rubbing my skin, touching the place where they were
and i keep thinking how easy it would be to do it again
i'm not sure why i'm saying this - not sure what i want to happen
not sure of anything any more except how much i want to die right at this moment
thought i could use "staying alive for another year" as a goal, but it conflicts with the company philosophy - goals are supposed to be achievable