For nearly a year now I've been taking anti-depressants and these other pills to make my head less chaotic and think more clearly. A couple of days ago I had a really bad night but I couldn't feel it very well because of those pills. At that point I got so sick of them I decided to quit taking them for a while, at least to see how it is to be able to feel again. So now I haven't been taking my pills for a few days. I feel like they're half way out of my system now. At first I just got sadder and sadder, then I got really happy for a little while but now I'm starting to get scared. Now that I'm starting to see how I'm really feeling again I'm starting to notice the main thing I feel is hatred toward myself. I really have the urge to hurt myself and it's scaring me. I already knew I hated myself, but I feel really black inside right now, like a demon trying to tell me to cut myself open. I should probably start taking my pills again, but it really makes me sad thinking about it. I can't even live with my real feelings, I need some pills to suppress them. It makes me feel so useless, knowing that even while taking those pills I'm not even feeling very well but that I've gotten so far that I can't even go a week without taking them anymore.. I'm so ashamed of myself for the way I turned out. I hate myself so much for all that I've become. I just want so badly to be able to live a normal life like everyone else seems to be able to have. I'm starting to think that's not going to happen no matter how hard I try and I have to choose between struggling to a natural death or ending it sometime soon.