Scaring myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cowgirl22, Nov 23, 2008.

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  1. cowgirl22

    cowgirl22 New Member

    Hi all :sad:

    I'm very happy with my life right now. In the past I've been through a lot and had very suicidal feelings but never seriously attempted anything. But it seems that everything thats happened has reduced my 'threshold' to deal with 'bad stuff' and people are able to upset me profoundly by doing very little. So I find that even though I am happy with at least 80% of my life right now, if I get a little bit upset I just blow it all right out of proportion and end up thinking its best if I just 'go' and leave everyone in peace.

    I'm a farmer and today I was down in the fields with my cattle, and I got thinking about how a friend had treated me yesterday. It was so beautiful and peaceful in the winter sunshine, the snow was evaporating in the sun and everything was shiny and quiet and the cows were happily eating away. I found myself wishing I had a sharp knife on me, so I could cut my wrists - and I imagined kneeling down in the grass and slicing my wrists, the dark blood running out and steaming in the cold air, and I'd just lie down and probably not be discovered for a while. And I thought how tempting and nice and peaceful it would be, what a lovely last morning on earth I would have had, and that it would be preferable to slogging on here for another 50years or more.

    I cant really talk to anyone because they might lock me up in an asylum or something, and I dont want to upset my mother by talking to her about it. I am a happy-go-lucky, sunny, cheerful, funny person on the outside and the people who know me just wouldnt know what to make of it I dont think.

    But I'm scared that I'm getting stronger and stronger pulls by these feelings every time I get upset and that one day I'll do something I cant reverse. Is this normal or should i be getting help?

    Thanks for reading...
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello cowgirl22,

    welcome to sf :welcome: I'm glad you found us :)

    I'm glad that you are happy with your life right now. Although I think you should seek help for those thoughts of self harm before it goes beyond thoughts. No-one will lock you up in an asylum, perhaps your first step should be to tell your doctor exactly what you've told us, they can put you in the right direction. If you need to talk, I'm always here :arms:
  3. Hello there! Welcome to the forums...

    I'm not sure how to put this nicely, I enjoyed reading what you wrote as it explained how you feel clearly and I feel I can understand, I can relate the 'blowing bad things out of proportion', I do it all the time. Try not to let yourself get so down about it and go home lay on your bed and listen to your favorite feel good songs. Think of something you want to do in the future and let yourself slip away into that dream.

    I hope things get better for you, talking to your mum probably will help in the long run, after all things are never as bad as they seem.

    Feel free to PM me anytime.
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