Scars and Sutures (*Trig* *Graphic*)

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by galalleni, Jan 17, 2009.

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  1. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    Howdy All,

    Much less graphic than my post yesterday - which I requested be removed (and subsequently was).

    Long ranting post ahead: (need to get it out though)

    Survived yet another attempt - a cutting attempt last night [edit: anatomy and physiology lesson, eg. method]. Covered my entire bathroom with blood - not the first time thats happened - I am either incredibly (un)lucky or immortal. Being immortal would make me really really psychotic (which I am anyway, but it's all relative to the sick twisted reality that most people believe in, and are somehow happy about it whereas I am disgusted with it) - imagine what a cruel joke immortality would be.

    I just get this urge in me to die and I can't seem to shake it - I have trouble sleeping/eating/bathing/getting out of bed - plus I'm pretty much a hermit (I get out to see my counselor and psychiatrist only - medicine/food is delivered). Live on a tight tight budget (minor family support and gvt. assistance). Sometimes I think I must be immortal though - how else can I try almost EVERY method and still survive, and some (un)lucky people have accidents and die instantly.

    So I took a shower this morning and sewed myself up with some suture scissors I happen to own and my huge supply of gause to soak up the leaking wound - thank god for turtleneck shirts. My counselor started freaking out on me today (and he didn't even know I cut myself I hid it so well) - he tried to get me a bed in a hospital - problem is in my city of half a million people there are only 58 acute psychiatric beds available (enough for about 0.01% of the city population) - one of our major psych wards closed down last month - the local government doesn't care (twisted form of population control I suppose).

    I've spent approx. 10% of my life in a psych ward - off and on - 2 yr. 5 mo. total - I am 24 now (can't believe how old I've gotten, god must hate me).

    Funny thing is - here I am alone again tonight (nobody watching over me) - family was going to, but decided against it (and my counselors mobile is turned off). Family lives next door though - and technically they own where I live right now. My counselor is going to see me early in the morning tomorrow, if I'm still around (and even on a Saturday - I told him not to, but he insisted).

    Still hurting - know I'm gonna have yet another horribly nasty scar if I don't leave soon. Plus I know everyone is gonna be upset if they find out I attempted again - I don't want to keep going through this endless tormenting tortured life.

    So - here I am again - been listening to the same song on repeat for the last four hours - and still debating if I should go for it again tonight or take a brake (been about 6 mo. since my last attempt - maybe more/less, bad memory) - and, yes people, they do ignore DNR's (Been resuscitated twice against my wishes). Last time I was in the psych ward they wanted to do ECT - but I refused (tried the @home version - 220V just makes you feel all tingly - doesn't do any damage I found out later) - and they need two signatures, a psychiatrist and a neuropsychologist - so lucky me, no doctors guinea pig experiments (doctors are the most twisted of all, they like to see sickness/injury/death as their JOB).

    Wow - I can't believe I actually took the time to write all that out - think I'll just hold onto my knife and see how long I can make it through the night.:dry:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 17, 2009
  2. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    BTW. the song I've been listening to for most the night is "Air - Lost Message" - very soft and calming music

    Should have read wikipedia before getting a DNR, apparently my state allows doctors to ignore it - unless they have it in writing (which is unlikely if you are unconscious).
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 17, 2009
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are feeling this way galleni. Maybe instead of waiting to harm yourself, remove yourself from the situation so you are unable to. Build in a delay so things cannot happen on urge or impulse. Please stay safe. :hug:
  4. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    My neck is still bleeding - I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.


    I don't want to wake up in a hospital again, I just want to disappear.
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