Scars! :'( (trigger)

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Metallica*Melinda, Nov 19, 2006.

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  1. Metallica*Melinda

    Metallica*Melinda Well-Known Member

    I hate my scars... other people hate them too. SO WHY DO I STILL DO IT? HELP ME GOD. I hate this... I'm sorry if this is sorta all over the place but I'm really in a bad place right now and it may not make any sense at all... but ill try anyway.
    well i've been cutting for a while, since i was five... but it got worse when i turned 12. then i went to secure treatment... blah blah. group homes and intensive treatment, mental hospitals... the whole nine fucking yards.... IT FUCKING SUCKS AND I WANT TO DIE.
    Now the hospitals and group homes are over because im 18, but i live with my dad now and he's a fucking ass hole sometimes even though i love him and he loves me we both have issues and im not even sure he loves me that much.
    God is punishing me for my actions (doing drugs, cutting etc.) and I am punishing myself for my actions as well...
    I have so many issues that I can never deal with... people want me to get involved... well i can't so I pick up a razor blade... the deeper the better, the more blood the better. IF POSSIBLE I WANT FUCKING SURGERY TO REPAIR IT. Now that may seem fucked up but its how i am and if you don't like it then don't fucking talk to me...
    I don't know why im like this... but I am... I hate my life and I make it worse all the time... its always something and one of these days the exacto knife is gonna go too far again :D I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT.
     
  2. xestrangedx

    xestrangedx Member

    I can feel your pain, really i can. You want this pain to stop, you dont want to cut.

    Im sorry i cant just type something out and make it all go away, but i am here anytime to talk - i have msn too, so please if you do add me and we can talk more.

    You are in a bad place right now - what sort of things are going on? If you wish to share them then pease do. Tne more we know, the more help we can try to give you. Whatever it is, you cant take it all one at once. Yop have to split it up,sort out one thing at time or it will come down on you like a tonne of bricks and suffocate you, like its doing right now.

    You are still young, there is still help out there for an 18 year old. I know its hard and i know it will probably be a hard thing to do since you have already tried and not gotten much in return. But you can take that first step and reach out. When you take that first step, thats when people can get in and help. Not people who want to judge you, but people who do want to help. I know you might feel you have tried or no one would care, but really there is. I care - i wouldnt sit here right now and type this if i didnt.

    We all hate the people we love the most at times. Have you ever sat and talked to your dad? Spent a day a week with him? I now it might seem stupid at first, but it can help. But its also good to get out the house if you feel pissed off with him. You could go and see soem,one or just go for a walk. Your dad DOES love you., i wouldnt say it if i didnt truly feel it. He wouldnt put you up, you wouldnt be living with him would you? He does love you, but soemtimes thoughts like this get in our way and can make us all sorts hat isnt true. Please dont let it.
    We all make mistakes, and i dont believe anyone is punishing you but yourself. We can all frogive people and give them a second chance. God is willing to give you this second chance, but he cant until you can give yourself a sevond one. We can be our own worst critics sometimes an it can hold us back from doing and exploring so much. Accept that you have made these mistakes, but you derserve it to yourself to give it another go. If you believe in God, have that as your motivation if nothing else.

    Have you tried other things instead of always turning to cutting? http://www.mannacabana.com/cabanabo...=282732&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=&fpart=1

    Yes this is a long list - but that isnt the point. It is to show that there are so many other things you can do before even thinking of cutting. Please even if you have tried them all 1000 times, try it again.

    I could sit here all day and repeat myself, but i cant change you and it hurts me - really. I wish i could. I dont believe that you want to truly die, im not trying to talk you out of this - im a cutter myself - but it just hurts to know that if you had the right things, you could get help. You are young, this has ruled most of your life, but it doesnt need to anymore.

    Please if you ever feel like talking or cutting or just anything - please message me. Im Laura, im here. Just because im not there right beside you doesnt mean i dont care.

    Good luck and i wish you the very best of luck. You can get through this.
     
  3. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    Do you remember what started you cutting when you were 5 years old? Or what made it worse when you were 12?
     
  4. Metallica*Melinda

    Metallica*Melinda Well-Known Member

    when i was 5... well i wanted attention then......... now i dont know.... sorry i don't know what to say... :dry: I cant do this anymore...
     
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