Scary thing is, I am not scared

[peterx]

As my title says, I am no longer scared about suicide. My life force just seems to have leaked away until I just feel empty.

My 14 year old daughter was raped and now she has severe anxiety issues which are stopping her from living her life and she is acting out in very harmful ways.

The only reason I am still here is that I have another younger daughter and she doesn't deserve the family she has. She certainly doesn't deserve to lose her father.

I have tried to be strong, I have tried to understand, I have tried to be supportive, I have tried to be normal for those outside our family.... I don't have the will to try anymore. I just want to disappear, to have peace, to not be hear anymore....

I obviously have some degree of depression. I have tried to manage it by getting a buzz from various things, eating, playing computer games, watching TV, temporarily make the sadness go away. But the effect of these activities gets less each time I do them. Now, they aren't helping much at all and the sadness... no sadness isn't the right word. It is just emptiness.... a lack of will to live to an old age, a lack of desire or care to what happens to me.

I can't fix my daughter. She has lost her chance of having the life she could have had. Like most parents I think my daughter is fantastic. I don't think she is any better or more deserving than any other life, but she was special. She goes to a GPS school and was recently tested due to her behavioural problems and poor grades. She was top of her class in all areas but one. The school told us she was gifted and are working with us to get her back on track. Athletically she is also doing well, I take credit for this, from an early age we practiced sporting.

But now I don't care if I see her grow up.

I snap at my family, I have withdrawn from them. I hate how I speak to them and my short temper.

I have seen psychiatrists & psychologists that are working with my daughter. I have talked to them about how I feel. No disrespect to these people and their vocation, but their strategies are rudimentary and transparent. I don't want to sound conceited, but I am above average intelligence. (English was my weakest subject, I'll confess I just passed) My strengths are maths and physics and I work as a IT Manager. I know I need help, but I already know what the psychologists will tell me. I just don't care to help myself..... I should exercise more, get back into sport, start living a balanced life, see my friends again.... I just don't care....

I have my check list, Update Will, Update beneficiaries for super & insurance (I guess insurance won't get paid out if I suicide, I don't care....), etc

I am planning this, like a holiday. Not with excitement, just methodically. That should scare me, but I am not scared.

I cry when I think about my youngest daughter who doesn't deserve this. What my suicide will do to her. I care about her, but not me.

I feel like I have started down this path and it is just going to happen. It is not a driving force that is taking me there, it is the same feeling as going to mow the lawn. I need to do it,<Mod Edit: Timeline>. But I still need to get to it.

I tried life line. I was balling my eyes out about what my suicide will do to my daughters. So I thought I should get help. I got bored talking to them and hung up.

Why am I hear then. Well, there is part of me that know this is wrong and that if I just do the right things, help my daughter get better, I can still get back to a good life. So maybe someone can say something to me that will help me see that light at the end of the tunnel again. I have searched and all I can find is darkness.

I don't care.

I'll be around <Mod Edit: Timeline>, while I get prepared. I still need to work out what method of suicide I want to use. <Mod Edit: Methods> seems like the most reliable. But it is so dramatic and I just want to slip away, I don't want a final dramatic moment. I also don't want to stuff it up, so it has to work first time. Maybe <Mod Edit: Methods>, I found out where <Mod Edit: Methods>....

Well....

 

[Aurelia]

What is the main reason you think that's making you feel this way? Is it because of what happened to your daughter or just the fact that you don't find life enjoyable/worthwhile anymore? If it's the former then firstly, she's a 14 year old girl who got raped, so obviously she's going to be going through a lot of hard times and possibly making a lot of mistakes along the way because of what happened to her. Secondly, I'm not really understanding why you don't sound more sympathetic and supportive of her considering her situation. It's good that you got her counseling but you're going to have to be patient with her and let her heal at her own pace...this is a very serious and traumatic thing she went through. But aside from that, you need to make sure she knows she has your support too, I think that's just as important as counseling if not more. If you're feeling this way for the latter reason however, I know it's probably difficult but try to find something new to occupy yourself with that's more enjoyable than just day-to-day life. You said you have a decent job, so why not go on vacation with your daughters? A change of scenery and routine could help both her and you out at the same time. Also, I have to wonder, since you haven't really mentioned their mother, is she in the picture? If you committed suicide though, and I'm not trying to make you feel guilty or anything, but I'm sure you know as well as I do that your daughters would not get over it. Especially the 14 year old...she's already had one trauma in her life, she doesn't need a second. And you talk about having to pretend you're okay to other family members...why pretend? Just tell the truth. From my experiences, it hurts a lot more to pretend than to just be realistic. Who cares about keeping up a certain image if it's hurting you more in the long run anyway?

 

[Freya]

I, too, am confused. You say you do not want to die because your youngest daughter does not deserve this and deserves a better family etc... that sounds very much like you DON'T think that your 14 year old daughter deserves better, or not to lose her father. Even if this is subconscious, I think that this is something you really need to address. Your daughter went through a terrible traumatic thing and if, even on a subconscious level, you are treating her as undeserving of family, support, whatever, then that is going to be apparent to her.

If you have no interest in life and just don't care - okay... that sounds all too familiar and its good you have spoken to psychologists, but you do not mention if you have started any treatment. I understand you do not care about feeling better or different, but that is the point - you will not care until you start getting better and you will not start getting better without help.

I am sorry for how you feel and for the depression - I know how hard that can be - but as a father, BOTH your children deserve consideration. This is not just about you, unfortunately. Please see a doctor and engage with a course of treatment. Do not inflict another trauma on your children.

 

[DrownedFishOnFire]

Rape is one of the worst thing a human being can experience. It takes a piece of something in you. Its not fixable overnight. Its a long healing process. Many people actually dont get it or dont want to deal with it because its an uncomfortable issue or they think its nothing and everyone should get over it. Its a societys attitude towards this issue. Its difficult world to deal with if rape is dealt in the cards.

I would say get some thearpist to vent your feelings raising two kids. Its understandable what youre saying.

Not all therapists are the same. I found one that fits me well and challenges my way of thinking.

 

[peterx]

@ Freya: "I, too, am confused. You say you do not want to die because your youngest daughter does not deserve this and deserves a better family etc... that sounds very much like you DON'T think that your 14 year old daughter deserves better, or not to lose her father. Even if this is subconscious, I think that this is something you really need to address. Your daughter went through a terrible traumatic thing and if, even on a subconscious level, you are treating her as undeserving of family, support, whatever, then that is going to be apparent to her. "

I just feel bad for my youngest daughter. She had a wonderful life and now her family is just crumbling around her. She doesn't know what happened to her big sister and she doesn't know many of the bad behaviours her big sister has been engaging in.

As for my elder daughter, the rape victim. The world has been unfair to her and she certainly doesn't deserve what happened to her. I just don't know how to help her get her life back. Of course she doesn't deserve to lose me any more than my youngest daughter.

The reason I differentiate between my girls is that I have given almost all my attention to my eldest daughter to help her get better. My younger daughter has already lost much of her father and I feel incredibly guilty about this. I don't know how to fix this situation. I make time for her, we play games, I take her shopping, I ask her about her life. But it is an effort and not natural and I am sure she feels this. I love her dearly, but I am so drained that when I give her some attention, it is an effort.


@AshphyxiaOnMisery

"What is the main reason you think that's making you feel this way?"

It isn't one thing. I tried to explain this in my first post. It is just like my life force has leaked out. The rape happened about 18 months ago, it took her six months before she told us what happened. My daughter is now 15. Initially it was all action, get help, contact police (who were useless because my daughter refused to make a statement), contacted local state politician, contacted private investigators. Provide a safe supportive environment for my daughter.

Over time, my thirst for life has just evaporated. I now just go through the motions.

" I'm not really understanding why you don't sound more sympathetic and supportive of her considering her situation."

She is an innocent. My heart broke when I found out what happened to her. I love her more than I can put into words. I have done everything I can to help her. Every moment of every day I just want to help her get better.

"you need to make sure she knows she has your support too"

I hope through my words and actions that she knows that I love her and she has my support and that this is not her fault.

"Also, I have to wonder, since you haven't really mentioned their mother, is she in the picture?"

We are still a family. My wife has had post natal depression since our first child was born. It is like having another dependent to look after. I have a lot of resentment towards her for not getting help and getting better. She is a psychologist and understands intellectually what is wrong in her life, but won't take steps to fix it.

"If you committed suicide though, and I'm not trying to make you feel guilty or anything, but I'm sure you know as well as I do that your daughters would not get over it."

I know it is gutless. I am know it is the cowards way out. I know it will destroy my daughters. I just feel my self drifting away from the life I had and I just want to disappear.

Intellectually I care what it will do to my daughters. Emotionally I don't feel it. I sometimes cry when I think about it, but I don't know why.

"And you talk about having to pretend you're okay to other family members...why pretend? Just tell the truth."

My daughter is adamant that we keep what happened a secret. It took her six months to tell me. Then another six months to talk about it again and discuss it with her therapists. She can't openly discuss it. I am sure if you have dealt with rape victims you can understand the difficulty they have dealing with what happened.


@DrownedFishOnFire. What you say is so true about rape. I had no idea how it truly impacts the victim and those around them. I don't think our society deals with this situation very well and I don't think the perpetrators are dealt with properly.

As for therapists. I just don't have any confidence in them. We have spoken to several and they vary in quality. But that type of process just doesn't work for me.

 

[Much afraid]

I'm so sorry that your family is having to endure so much pain. I'm sure everything seems too much - being there for your girls, work, providing for the family...and it sounds as if you've decided you're daughter's life is ruined, forever.

Her life has been dramatically altered and her innocence has been brutally snatched away but our lives are considerably longer than many of us think they ever will be. Her life has as much potential to be good and fulfilling today as it had before this tragedy. Counseling and patience and some sense that you still love her unconditionally will do wonders for her. It might not look like it now but she needs you more now than ever. She needs to know that she can trust you will be there when she's ready to seek you. She needs to see that this awful thing is not her fault and that you do not blame her for being the victim of another's heinous act. She also needs to see the real you - to know that you are struggling because you love her and you hate that this has happened to her. She needs to see that even though it's hard (some days maybe close to impossible) that facing this and dealing with it will free her from issues later. That working through it all will help her, you, your youngest, the whole family unit heal. She needs hope that one day you will all thrive again.

Your pain and your rage (whether you acknowledge it now or not) is very understandable and your snapping at family is a symptom of stuffing your emotion. It seeps out of us even when we are so certain it is buried deep and will never be allowed to surface.

I don't say any of this to make you feel worse or guilty. I say it because I know what it means to have your childhood and your innocence ripped away. I also know how EXTREMELY deep the wounds go when your father isn't there to console and protect and teach that you are precious and valued, loved.

The fact that you're not scared of dying is not surprising. I would think every aspect of living is just too overwhelming for you right now. Death represents an escape from all of it - the hard, brutal, painful reality of life right now.

I just hope you will hold off on your plans for the moment. I hope you will seek someone that you can talk with candidly. I'd ask that you lay it all on the line with someone you trust and respect, someone whose opinions you value. Someone that understands you and that understands you want/NEED rational, intelligent discourse without judgment of you for being at the end of your tether and close to done with everything. There is someone out there. You know them already or they are out there and you will find them. You deserve that much. You deserve to be heard and understood. I believe you love both of your daughter's and that you feel responsible; that you couldn't protect your daughter has you tied in knots and I would bet that somewhere within yourself you have beaten yourself up with blame that is not yours to carry.

Please reconsider your timeline. Please show your daughter's how very much you love them by getting help for yourself and being you. You all deserve that and so very much more.

 

[peterx]

Thankyou Much afraid.

Your words did resonate with me. I am going to reflect and after work today, re-read what you and the others have said.

 

[peterx]

Thankyou again all for you comments.

Much afraid, your comments were especially helpful. The drive to suicide has subsided moderately. I think just talking about it and unbottling the emotion has helped. As well as being heard and understood.

I don't know where to next. The dark thoughts have a tendency to come and go. Nights are worse than days. Work is a reprieve from things, I can escape there and just almost forget home. I just need to somehow minimise the times I feel bad.

If I am to beat this, I need to change things.

 

[Michelle0187]

I have been feeling the same way about suicide. I'm more sad than scared of it and the only uncertain thing about it is how should it be done.

 

[sudut]

The only reason I am still here is that I have another younger daughter and she doesn't deserve the family she has. She certainly doesn't deserve to lose her father.

I have tried to be strong, I have tried to understand...

please try more.

 

[peterx]

I have been feeling the same way about suicide. I'm more sad than scared of it and the only uncertain thing about it is how should it be done.

I am sorry you feel these things. It is a lonely place. It feels more lonely than physical isolation, because life keeps going on around you and you don't feel part of it. I am not the best person to give you advice. I will just say, I wish you well.

 

[Raphael1]

I read your story, and did listen. I understand that things can be difficult. Everyone has their own struggle, no-one could understand yours, anymore than anyone could understand mine or someone else's. But this doesn't mean we need to submit to suicide. That is the worse decision you could make. I want you to see that suicide is not just damaging in terms of what it does to your children, but there is far worse consequences than that. It puts a blot on your entire existence. To commit suicide you are in fact commiting murder, of yourself. Are you are murderer? Do you want to be one? Think about what abandoning your life really means. I study psychology and hope to be a psychologist, and from my experience it really depends on which psychologist you see, as everyone is completely different. Psychology is a profession that is in progress, not everyone that studies a degree has the wisdom or the answers, but they are still following proven methods based on research of things that will help you. But none of that can help you if you are not willing to help yourself. If you think things are bad, you will them hundreds of times worse by commiting suicide. Life is precious, I hope you manage to find yourself and talk yourself out of this. I am also a Christian, and my hope is in Jesus Christ and that is who I witness for. For me there is no greater hope that the promises in the scriptures. I hope if you read this in someway it can help you reflect, or in some way encourage you to keep going and to not make that mistake that so many have made in giving up.

 

[Much afraid]

Peterx I am very glad to hear you've had some relief from this pain. It is not easy by any means. Change will come as you begin to share and untangle all the emotions.

I, too, have found it helps to talk things out. I need to get better at that but it took me a long time to get to this point so it makes sense it will take a while to heal as well. I hope you continue sharing and talking here and with those around you.

Night can be the most torturous (at least that's true for me.) That is when I need distractions like soothing music, a good book, or the people here who, on the whole, are very kind and understanding. We all have our moments and still a single glimmer of understanding helps me hang on a little longer than my feelings would let me think I "should". I am working to learn my feelings do not dictate my reality. That is hard when all the pressure of life builds up. Just want you to know there are many of us who understand struggle and anger and hurt and self-doubt. Our circumstances are all different but our battles are very similar on so many levels.

The most important thing is to be good to yourself and keep communicating. I have found that connection has helped me hang on when I was almost certain I was ready to be done.

Know you are in my thoughts and I am hopeful things will improve dramatically and quickly for you and everyone in you family.

 

[Aurelia]

I don't think you should feel guilty for giving your 15 year old daughter more attention than your younger daughter right now. That's not to say that you shouldn't give her any attention at all because that wouldn't be right either, but the attention that you describe you're giving her I think is satisfactory enough at this point and time. She may not understand what has happened to her sister or why her father is so upset lately, but I think she knows that you love her and love spending time with her. I highly doubt that she thinks your attention toward her is forced, even if it feels that way to you. So until this whole situation with your older daughter starts getting better, just keep doing what you're doing with the younger one. Granted I'm not a parent myself yet, but I know that at certain times in our lives my mother has focused more attention on me than my brother, especially when I went through my substance abuse issues. Depending on what's going on with each specific child, sometimes a parent has to do that and it doesn't mean that they love the other child less. Also, like I said before, I know you really want your older daughter to get back on track as soon as possible, but you really have to let her do it at her own pace. If you try to push her to do something she's not ready for or get angry with her for not doing something she should be doing, it's only going to make the situation worse because she's going to feel like you're not being understanding or sympathetic enough. I was molested at age 13 by a family member of mine, one who nobody else in my family would ever expect that from or even believe it for that matter, and now at 25 years old to tell you the truth I still haven't fully gotten over it. I'm still embarrassed to talk about it to therapists, and most other people for that matter. So if your daughter doesn't want to discuss it with the police, therapists, or even you, just give her some space and don't force her to do so. She already made a huge step in telling you that it happened and even though it took 6 months, that's an extremely positive step toward recovery and very brave of her. I hadn't told anybody about what happened to me for many years. I finally told my mother when I was 22-23, and she acted like she was sympathetic and believed me at first, but then after a while I guess she changed her mind and decided I was just saying it for attention. And when she came to that conclusion, that hurt and pissed me off very badly because it took a lot out of me to tell her about it. So the best advice I can give you is just to keep supporting her and be patient. As for the mother, I understand how you feel. It must be frustrating to feel like you have another person to take care of who should be taking care of themselves. Does she help at all with your daughters at least? At this point and time especially, you both should share that responsibility equally, it shouldn't all fall on you. I really hope regardless though, that you've changed your mind about wanting to kill yourself. Your daughters need you...the younger one has a lot of growing up to do that I'm sure you want to be there for, and the older one still has her whole life ahead of her too which can and will get better in time. Just as well there are a lot of things you can still do to make your life better and more enjoyable.

 

[shadowonthewall]

I'm so sorry for your daughter's deeply traumatic experience. I hope she finds the strength to move on with her life. As for your lack of fear concerning suicide, I envy you. As bleak as my prospects for living a fulfilling life are, I find that the only thing that has held me back from committing suicide is my lack of courage. To be sure, there is also the factor of how the authorities are constantly making it more difficult for people to commit suicide (eg erecting suicide barriers, banning poisonous substances from the market, etc), but it only takes ONE good opportunity, and if I had the courage I would have taken one of those remaining opportunities and wouldn't still be here lamenting the fact that my life is considered government property.