Trigger warning: Description of self harm method, self harm location, mentioning of blood (I don`t know how much I should include there). I have self harmed for .. well, a while. I used to only whip/punch/anything that resulted in bruises, mostly on the legs, but if I felt really bad I`d do it in the face. This summer I`ve taken it a little further. For some reason, the pain just wasn`t enough at some point. I got this intense desire to see a better result, to see blood. I hate cutting. Did it a few years ago on one occation, and it`s just the sensation of the cutting (not the pain) but that xxx it breaks the skin. It just grosses me out. So, instead of cutting, which would have been relatively clean, I`d take some half sharp object and <edit moderator total eclipse descriptive> through the skin instead. It hurts a heck of a lot more, but the pain isn`t really the point anymore. So, I ended up stabbing myself in the thigh. I weren`t quite prepared on getting scared, but I did because it did bleed, a lot! When I got it stopped, I just sat there for half an hour trying to convince myself why it was a really bad idea in the first place, before cleaning up. Thern I realized that I really, really wanna do it again. I finally got the blood I wanted, without having to cut. But then again, it feels more dangerous, because it`s hard to control how deep, etc. I had to try several times before I got my nerves in order and got deep enough. It`s insane, really. Or rephrasing in case it`s offensive, it feels insane to me, that I`d do this. And not only do it, but scare myself only to wanna do it again. I`ve read about people cutting themselves, but have other people tried "stabbing"? Would it be okay to ask, if others have done it, <edit Moderator totaleclipse asking for methods> A part of me, the more emotionally stable part, says that of course I don`t ever wanna do something like this again. The more realistic part of me knows that now that I know I have succeeded once, that nagging voice "again, again" won`t shut up anytime soon. God, I wanted to do it again like an hour after I had done it. The more frustrating part is that usually I self harm when I am feeling very depressed, or guilty (if I`ve had an argument with a sibling or my mother). I rarely self harm because of stress, but the trigger for this episode was really just stress related thoughts stage I. It wasn`t anything worth harming myself over. And I felt so calm when I went downstairs to find the knife. Like serene calm. Almost humming to myself when I went through the drawers to find something appropriate. That sounds so stupid, but I didn`t realize it until afterwards, how weird it all was. I`m used to self harming when I`m in a rage, numb or sobbing. Yesterday it was just me, needed to relieve some stress, feeling as calm as ever. It`s almost scary, only right now I don`t know if I care. Sorry for rambling, people.