Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by NathalieAndrews, Aug 8, 2011.

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  1. Trigger warning: Description of self harm method, self harm location, mentioning of blood (I don`t know how much I should include there).

    I have self harmed for .. well, a while. I used to only whip/punch/anything that resulted in bruises, mostly on the legs, but if I felt really bad I`d do it in the face.

    This summer I`ve taken it a little further. For some reason, the pain just wasn`t enough at some point. I got this intense desire to see a better result, to see blood. I hate cutting. Did it a few years ago on one occation, and it`s just the sensation of the cutting (not the pain) but that xxx it breaks the skin. It just grosses me out. So, instead of cutting, which would have been relatively clean, I`d take some half sharp object and <edit moderator total eclipse descriptive> through the skin instead. It hurts a heck of a lot more, but the pain isn`t really the point anymore.

    So, I ended up stabbing myself in the thigh. I weren`t quite prepared on getting scared, but I did because it did bleed, a lot! When I got it stopped, I just sat there for half an hour trying to convince myself why it was a really bad idea in the first place, before cleaning up. Thern I realized that I really, really wanna do it again. I finally got the blood I wanted, without having to cut. But then again, it feels more dangerous, because it`s hard to control how deep, etc. I had to try several times before I got my nerves in order and got deep enough. It`s insane, really. Or rephrasing in case it`s offensive, it feels insane to me, that I`d do this. And not only do it, but scare myself only to wanna do it again.

    I`ve read about people cutting themselves, but have other people tried "stabbing"? Would it be okay to ask, if others have done it, <edit Moderator totaleclipse asking for methods>

    A part of me, the more emotionally stable part, says that of course I don`t ever wanna do something like this again. The more realistic part of me knows that now that I know I have succeeded once, that nagging voice "again, again" won`t shut up anytime soon. God, I wanted to do it again like an hour after I had done it.

    The more frustrating part is that usually I self harm when I am feeling very depressed, or guilty (if I`ve had an argument with a sibling or my mother). I rarely self harm because of stress, but the trigger for this episode was really just stress related thoughts stage I. It wasn`t anything worth harming myself over. And I felt so calm when I went downstairs to find the knife. Like serene calm. Almost humming to myself when I went through the drawers to find something appropriate. That sounds so stupid, but I didn`t realize it until afterwards, how weird it all was. I`m used to self harming when I`m in a rage, numb or sobbing. Yesterday it was just me, needed to relieve some stress, feeling as calm as ever. It`s almost scary, only right now I don`t know if I care.

    Sorry for rambling, people.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 8, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi i would say to you that you need to get help to stop the self harm to get a better coping skill in place . Talk to your doctor get on some medication get therapy that will teach you a much safer coping skill.
    No one will tell you how to self harm hun they will encourage you to stop and get a healthier coping method hugs
  3. truthhurts

    truthhurts Well-Known Member

    i myself havnt tried stabbing really, i first started out with scratching out blood with scissors, then moved on to glass and razors and the like. But stabbing as a way of self-harm does exist. For example there are a few episodes of it in a movie called 'Painful Secrets', where the girl uses a piece of glass and stabs herself on the thighs with it. By the way, generally, the severity grows with time and experience in self-harm, because the sensation once felt during the act starts to fade, and u will likely need more pain for it to feel as satisfactory. that is also one of the main reasons i also believe treatment should be sought, so that you wouldnt cause dangerous injuries to urself.
  4. Thank you both for answers.

    The problem is, I honestly don`t feel that I want to seek help for this. I have so much depending on being OK right now. I have things in my life that I need to deal with in order to move forwards. I`m in this program which is meant for people who`s been unemployed for a long time, to get them back to work and help making sure it`s the right work, the right working conditions etc. for me to be able to handle it with my mental disorder. I am bipolar type II. They know my diagnosis and are helping me find a job that fit my personality and condition.

    I`m also without an apartment and in search for one. Problem is, I haven`t been honest to these people about the self-harming, and if they do find out, they could kick me out of the program. I desperately need this and can`t risk getting tossed out.

    I know it`s silly to say I have it under control, and I am aware it`s a dangerous spiral. But I won`t confess to it. Not to anyone, as my doctor has a direct line to these people in the program and can tell them. My shrink is of the type that only prescribes medication and doesn`t really offer much else but nodding and shaking his head. I told him about my self harm, and he told me that I can use it as a coping mechanism, that I might need to and that it`s okay. He said it will go away as my life gets more under control. I feel that his answer to it was too simple, but heck, what can I do?? I can`t change doctor without going the private route and I can`t afford that.

    I don`t think I can quit it. Not like this, and not right now.
  5. truthhurts

    truthhurts Well-Known Member

    well, the sad thing about shrinks and the like is the fact tht they're just human, they can't see inside of us, thus they might not be able to help very much. i myself were seeing one this year, and though i did get to discuss most of the things im struggling with, still the effort has to come from the person himself/herself rly, if u don't want to change, u won't. thought for me it was prolly easier, because it was free for me since i was underage at the time.
    i think it's a sad situation when u hav to hide the problem from the people who are supposed to be the ones helping u, tho i understand ur situation in tht sense.
    u said u do not want to seek help from this. maybe just talking about ur feelings with a close friend wud be good enough? a friend might also be way more helpful than medical personnel, except in case u need medication for ur condition.
    there r also many friendly people on this site u can try talking to ^_^
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