Schizophrenia

[InnerStrength]

I think I have a mild version of Schizophrenia. I'm very paranoid, have cognitive functioning problems, and just have general "mentally off" behavior. It really hits me hard sometimes. I feel so isolated (I've made myself that way). I know I've lost touch with reality, and with my emotions.

It's like I am some inhuman shell, waiting to be filled. When you know you have an illness, such as this, it's very hard to not think of suicidal thoughts. Being Schizo is not like have Clinical Depression, it's not socially accepted. Having lost touch with my humanity, while still being human, is...painful and isolating to say the least.

I've shut myself off from the world because of my paranoia/agoraphobia. But, I wish I could let my guard down, and feel connected to someone. If even once. I realize this might sound like ranting from some crazy person, but that's how I "feel."

 

[smackh2o]

Is there no way you can see a GP so you can be properly diagnosed. Your paranoia might be leading you to believe you have Schizophrenia.
Diagnosis is your best bet because doubt about these things can cost. You don't want to treat a broken thumb with a plaster and some cough medicine.

 

[InnerStrength]

Good point h2o.

I've been to a GP, as well as a psychologist/psychiatrist. The product of my visits really didn't go anywhere. The psychologist thought I was mostly a "normal" guy. The pyschiatrist agreed I was mildly schizotypal (after some prodding on my part). But, it boils down to me playing the part of an actor when I get around other people. They don't see the real me, I haven't shown that to anyone.

I even mentioned my mild hallucinations to the doc, who didn't react much to it. This could be merely vision problems from staying inside most of the time. But it worries me. I don't have health insurance at the moment, so I don't know if I can afford a doctor visit. I'll shop around for cheap insurance, but scrounging up the money is difficult nonetheless.

My situation seems hopeless, as my past efforts at this (doctor visits) have resulted in failure. Hopefully I'll muster up the motivation to try again. Thanks for the advice anyway.

 

[smackh2o]

I've not experienced going to a doctor yet but I can imagine not all of them are brilliant all of the time. Maybe a different doctor or counsellor would be a good idea. It sounded like they didn't give you much of an idea what was wrong or right with you. You need someone to tell you what to watch out for and why you might be feeling this way even if it isnt Schizophrenia thats causing the problems.
I hope it isn't Schizophrenia but if it is at least you may have caught it at a very early stage.
Just wondering though what makes you put the mask on so much? Is your paranoia developing from the perceptions of other people in the street. If nobody knows the real you, it can be a very heavy burden. That mask gets bolder and starts to take over what you've covered up. I think the problems your facing now could well be related to the problems your concealing.
PM me if you want to discuss it privatly. It's good to let it out.

 

[InnerStrength]

These problems I have are...uncommon problems, I have the mask on for a reason. Now, there's just really not anything underneath. Not anything emotionally desirable by another human being anyway.

This "other self" didn't develop because of what other people thought, because of my socially isolated lifestyle, I was left to my own devices. A stoic mask is better than a fearful one, you know?

About the whole Schizophrenia thing, it may or may not be the cause. It's probably at least a mild psychosis. I've heard many people say, that after a mental breakdown, life has never been the same for them, in a bad way.

I'm tired of writing this, I'll have to cut this short. Anyway, thanks for trying to help.