Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by nagisa, Mar 19, 2008.

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  1. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    I'm not sure if this where I need to post this, if not please move it....

    Ummm.... this is kind of embarrassing, but... I think I have mild schizophrenia. Or maybe it isn't mild. I just know that I'm not running down streets scream or anything like they show in movies (which probably isn't how schizophrenia is anyway... I don't know.. :( ) I might not even have it. I thought that I might be Borderline Personality but I have the psychosis syptoms of schizophrenia and borderline doesn't really mention psychosis...

    I thought I had it before. Around my first attempt. I had been severely paranoid. I was hearing voices. They were telling me bad things about myself. Saying I was worthless and stupid and needed to die. They didn't tell me to kill myself, I don't think. They just told me to die. I OD'd when I was 14 for the first time. After that I was put somewhere and they gave me a low dosage of risperdone. The voices went away... and I thought that was the end of it. That maybe it was all a bad dream with the voices.

    But I stopped taking the medication. I thought it had gone away...

    But, lately it's been coming back. And it's scareing me... and I'm too scared to tell my counsellor. I'm so scared that she will laugh at me. :( I'm not sure what to do. Right now that voice isn't telling me anything bad. It's like I hear my name. Like someone is calling me. I go and ask my mom to see if it was her but she hadn't called me. This has happened a lot. I'm scared. I'm scared of everything. Especially people. I'm scared that the voices are going to get bad like before. I can trace hallucinations back to when I was a kid. I remember seeing moths fly into my room through the window. They covered the whole room. I remember being terrified. But I've started to hallucinate lately too and that scares me. I've seen bugs crawling all around me. I also disassociate. I forget my name. I forget the date. What I ate earlier in the day. I forget things all the time. I look in the mirror sometimes and don't even remember that is what I look like. I feel like'oh... that's me...?'... I can't tell what is real and what isn't anymore!!! I don't know what to do!! I'm so scared of telling my counsellor or the family doctor. I don't want them to laugh at me!!! I don't want them to talk about me. Make fun of me!!! Just the thought of confiding in someone something that personal... things I have never told anyone before and having them laugh about it to my face and with their friends... it's just too much!!!!!!

    I'm just so scared!!!!!

    I don't even know what is REAL anymore..... I'm so close to tears. I can't take it!!!!! I don't know what to do.... :blue:
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 19, 2008
  2. carol2237

    carol2237 Guest


    I have just recently been Dxed with mild schitzo. You really need to talk with your doctors, they will not laugh at you. You are going through alot hun, and this is something that can be treated and will not come up again. *huggles*

  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Courtney. I agree with Caroline. You should tell your counselor. That you're hearing voices again. He will not laugh at you, because he is supposed to help you, but he needs to know what you are experiencing in order to help you. I hope you are ok. :hug:
  4. Dreamer uk

    Dreamer uk Well-Known Member

    yeah you should definately tell your counsellor.

    I hope everything works out ok for you, maybe it is side effects of medications, have you changed your meds recently or the dosage?

    Take care

  5. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    No... it isn't medication. I'll tell my counsellor at the next appointment. See what she says. Still scared though. Don't want her to laugh at me. :(
  6. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    It's not all that bad. Good luck. There's no shame in having a disorder.
  7. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    Hun recently i got again the diagnosis of BPD (at the hospital with a nice lady(DRMH) who asked me about 1000+ question at my recent hospital visit). Ive had symptons of schizophrenia too. When i was feeling low the voices in my head wouldnt go away, they ended up screaming at me to OD etc. Yes with Borderline Personality disorder you also can have symptons like that. Please tell your therapist that you would like to get a diagnosis what is your problem. Dont be scared, i know its difficult to tell.
    Beret xxx
  8. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    she wont laugh at you:hug:
    Hope you get better soon...
  9. downnout

    downnout Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you're reaching out, it's something I need to do, too. I think I might have BP or (at the least) HSP myself. PM me any time... :hug:
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