So, im sittin here on my armchair with my quilt and my pillow and my laptop, and I refuse every day to open the blinds because I dont want the daylight in. If I let the daylight in, I will have to see the days passing and I demand to stand still in December 2007 :dry: And I did this weird thing earlier where I stared at the wall and then I touched it and it made me cry because I remember what our walls back home feel like and they feel so different. I am tempted to get up and go look at the proof that I am worthless but then I cant because it already hurts so much just thinkin about it and knowin its there and the flashbacks of seein it and so I stay put. I cannot believe its April. Its a month with so many meanings in my life, one of the most meaningful months for my life ever. But worse than that, it is so far away from my life and everything I love, and May will be even further away from it all but I dont even dare think about that because I dont even dare think about tomorrow. I shouldnt have let myself believe. I remember I used to wonder how it was possible that someone like me deserved the life I had and how I came to realise that I didnt and how it made me even more thankful that I had it. And how it made me appreciate every little thing about it and how I thanked God every single day. I remember how I did every single thing I could have possibly done to show my gratitude, and what I got for it was the ultimate fall, the ultimate crash. I have fallen before and struggled and suffered, but now I know what it feels like to be at the very bottom without any way back up. It feels like ur down on the ground and some giant foot is standin on u and although you're already at the bottom on a concrete floor, this foot still seems to be able to press you down further. Into the concrete ground. And while this foot is doing that to you, a giant hand is ripping out your heart over and over and over again and you're gasping for air and you cannot shout, scream, or say anything for that matter and even if you could, you know you wont be heard. How many times I have put the phone down, again having chickened out tryin to tell him, I have lost count. But I still know how many months, weeks, days its been since this and that and such and such and maybe I should make it my mission to count my tears, at least that would keep me busy for quite some time. I cut and I bleed but it's never enough to get me away from here, I stare at my blood sometimes like Im tryin to make myself die with some magical psychic power. I want to lock myself in the bathroom, turn the shower on and be in there crying all day. But I cant coz they would notice eventually. So I do it for like half an hour every day or for as long as is manageable. I want to break down and be heard, and maybe I could actually do that, but the truth is, I dont want to be heard by anyone but him. I want everyone else to know, but I want him to hear me. Really, truthfully, HEAR me. Theres so many secrets about me. I guess it wouldnt even be that far off to call me a liar sometimes. But youve got to understand, this isnt reality. It cant be. And I remember crying in his arms asking him to tell me it isnt real. If only I could change my name and be one of them.