Scouse's space, I guess..

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ScouseJM, Apr 19, 2008.

  1. ScouseJM

    ScouseJM Well-Known Member

    So, im sittin here on my armchair with my quilt and my pillow and my laptop, and I refuse every day to open the blinds because I dont want the daylight in. If I let the daylight in, I will have to see the days passing and I demand to stand still in December 2007 :dry:

    And I did this weird thing earlier where I stared at the wall and then I touched it and it made me cry because I remember what our walls back home feel like and they feel so different. I am tempted to get up and go look at the proof that I am worthless but then I cant because it already hurts so much just thinkin about it and knowin its there and the flashbacks of seein it and so I stay put.

    I cannot believe its April. Its a month with so many meanings in my life, one of the most meaningful months for my life ever. But worse than that, it is so far away from my life and everything I love, and May will be even further away from it all but I dont even dare think about that because I dont even dare think about tomorrow.

    I shouldnt have let myself believe. I remember I used to wonder how it was possible that someone like me deserved the life I had and how I came to realise that I didnt and how it made me even more thankful that I had it. And how it made me appreciate every little thing about it and how I thanked God every single day. I remember how I did every single thing I could have possibly done to show my gratitude, and what I got for it was the ultimate fall, the ultimate crash.

    I have fallen before and struggled and suffered, but now I know what it feels like to be at the very bottom without any way back up. It feels like ur down on the ground and some giant foot is standin on u and although you're already at the bottom on a concrete floor, this foot still seems to be able to press you down further. Into the concrete ground. And while this foot is doing that to you, a giant hand is ripping out your heart over and over and over again and you're gasping for air and you cannot shout, scream, or say anything for that matter and even if you could, you know you wont be heard.

    How many times I have put the phone down, again having chickened out tryin to tell him, I have lost count. But I still know how many months, weeks, days its been since this and that and such and such and maybe I should make it my mission to count my tears, at least that would keep me busy for quite some time. I cut and I bleed but it's never enough to get me away from here, I stare at my blood sometimes like Im tryin to make myself die with some magical psychic power. I want to lock myself in the bathroom, turn the shower on and be in there crying all day. But I cant coz they would notice eventually. So I do it for like half an hour every day or for as long as is manageable. I want to break down and be heard, and maybe I could actually do that, but the truth is, I dont want to be heard by anyone but him. I want everyone else to know, but I want him to hear me. Really, truthfully, HEAR me.

    Theres so many secrets about me. I guess it wouldnt even be that far off to call me a liar sometimes. But youve got to understand, this isnt reality. It cant be. And I remember crying in his arms asking him to tell me it isnt real.

    If only I could change my name and be one of them.
     
  2. ScouseJM

    ScouseJM Well-Known Member

    why did I do it :bash: :bash: sigh, I know why, because Im right, I have a right to speak up, but I know it wont do no good, why why why cant I shut up and accept :bash:
     
  3. ScouseJM

    ScouseJM Well-Known Member

    must stay here and suffer he says but im gonna go :unsure:
     
  4. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    oh hun,
    things sound like they got worse.
    wanna talk?
     
  5. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

  6. ScouseJM

    ScouseJM Well-Known Member

    Im just too fucking nice. Wish I had a potion that would turn me into a selfish bitch, life would be so much easier :dry:
     
  7. ScouseJM

    ScouseJM Well-Known Member

    i definitely think its suitable to quote aimee mann... "its not goin to stop, so just give up"
     
  8. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni

    *drops by to hug Jasmin* :hug:
     
  9. ScouseJM

    ScouseJM Well-Known Member

    I'm losin it. I am totally losin it. This is my only place to go, this is my only chance to talk to people, and I'm blowin it. I am gettin closer to total isolation and insanity, I wouldn't be so bothered if I knew I was gettin closer to the end, but I feel I'm gettin closer to just fadin. Fading away without an end. Wait a minute, why am I surprised? This is how my life works, I meet people, we get along, they tell me I'm great but it only lasts a while. I screw up. I am not good enough at hiding how worthless I am so eventually everyone sees. I must cut. I must get closer to the end.
     
  10. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni

    No end! Hang in there Jasmin! :hug:
     
  11. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Hang in there hun :hug:

    We're all here for ya ... Big hugs :)
     
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    :hug: :hug: :hug:
     
  13. diver200

    diver200 Senior Member

    Jas,
    I wish you and I could invent a "forget drug." One that allows us to forget all the crap. Not to be a downer, I wonder what would fill the gap. But in the meantime, all we can do is give each other hope. I am here for you, and I hope that you will get through this. You do have friends on this site, I know you do, and I want you to know that I am one. You take care, hun.
     
  14. ScouseJM

    ScouseJM Well-Known Member

    so, today... one of the biggest days of my life and now it just proves to me what a failure and worthless piece of shit I am.. and I cant even talk to the one person I would like to talk about it with.. this is not what was supposed to happen to this day, this day was... I cant describe the feeling, I finally got to the destination, I finally achieved the goal that I had workd for all my life. And now its all gone. Because I was thrown away like a bit of rubbish, because I care so much that I let happen to me is my biggest nightmare. Its all gone and Ive been put in a position where I have no control whatsoever to get anything back. Everything they said was true. That Im a failure, that I would never mak it. Everything they said was true. :cry2:
     
  15. ScouseJM

    ScouseJM Well-Known Member

    and those who think that my pain is only about a man,


    shut the fuck up. you know nothing about me.
     
  16. ScouseJM

    ScouseJM Well-Known Member

    I wish I wasnt the only one to remember the meaning of this day. The fact that I am just makes me think more how meaningless it is to the world :blub:
     
  17. ScouseJM

    ScouseJM Well-Known Member

    It was the only thing that I ever felt really proud of achieving in my life. And now I know I really achieved nothing. :cry:
     
  18. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    :hug: I'm on MSN if you want to talk hun :)
     
  19. ScouseJM

    ScouseJM Well-Known Member

    theyre goin to the pictures soon i think.. i must seize this opportunity, i must not fail!
     
  20. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Stay safe hun :hug: