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scratch, scratch go the brain bugs...

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I haven't been able to write lately. Nothing I write seems to accurately represent my thoughts. There is absolutely no communication and the only thing that makes me feel alive is music. There is nothing that is so terrible about my life, sure I have had more despicable moments than the usual young adult but there is no reason to be miserable. Yet, I am miserable a fair amount. I do not like being so alone, I don't like the realization that nobody understands what it is like to be me. Yet, I don't know if I would ever want anyone to know. It is something I keep secret.

Its hard to tell which is worse, feeling like shit or getting better. Every single day is a trial, of course I look for milestones on a daily basis. This isn't a journey it is a full out war and all I can do is pick a side and fight. It is either destruction or construction but all I really want is be content.

Depression is such a weak word, it sounds like being stuck in a ditch. But I'm not depressed that doesn't describe anything. There are no words to describe what this life is like. Fear, anxiety, emptiness, loneliness, and shame all come to mind but it is despair that comes the closest. I wanted to wretch at life again today, its been awhile since I felt like that. But I know that the brain bugs wont leave, not soon at least.

There is a clear image of a noose in my mind and I imagine falling from a tall tree or bridge until the rope snaps tight. But that is not an option, I have no escape. Of course I wonder sometimes if I won't eventually off myself but I try not to think about it too much.

I don't know. I am just going to sit in front of my computer and type because I don't know what else to do anymore. Ive realized that when I feel bad the best thing to do is get stuff done. And some days I've accomplished a lot even though I woke up feeling like complete shit. But I still don't have a job, I am still smoking weed and tobacco, and I still feel bad most of the time. I wish people would acknowledge me yet I continue to isolate myself. But people wont make anything better, my ex gave me tons of attention but I was worse when I was with her so what the hell do I really want? I think I just want everything to be OK. I don't want to see everything crumble away. Sure my despair is in my perception, but perception itself is a lie. In order to perceive we must distort, in order to exist we must perceive.

No one deserves anything in life, and neither are we responsible for anything. Our only job is to exist for however long we end up existing. We will help build the living genetic memory bank that our ecosystem makes up no matter what. Suicide is a valid option because evolution has no sin. But yet humans are cursed with intelligence and consciousness. So here we are, in a society that thinks technological progress is a good thing. Of course I am going to be miserable! I have a body designed to survive in nature but survival has become a cerebral term. Everyone is working themselves to exhaustion just to get the normal luxuries. But luxury makes us weak, so we spend almost all of our lives exhausting ourselves to weaken ourselves. We find out we are destroying Earth so we start spending more on green technology. It is sad to see a creation of nature so addicted to luxury and progress we forget that we are first and foremost an animal. But what does it matter, BUILD BUILD BUILD. That is all we are good for. But in order to build, you must destroy.

At least I feel much better after writing this. Still have a long night of sleeplessness ahead of me though.

your post touched me, your words - you expressed yourself very well.

i hope you got a little sleep, its always a good thing to get.

take care.
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