I have some horrific nightmares, when i was younger i was sexually and mentally abused from the age of 6. Now most nights i have nightmeres, each time the images become more real. i remember walking into the house, his hands on my shoulders and I knew i shouldnt be there, i knew my parents would be so mad with me, i dont know why i went. he had a dark green wool jumper on, i rememebr the roughness of the wool and to this day i cannot stand it or certain materials like it near my skin, my mum knows this but doesnt know the reason why. I remember his breath, he smelled of tobacco and stale food. I remember the flowery pattern on the bed as he layed me down. i wanted to scream out as he pushed my dress up, his hands where rough and chapped at my skin as he forced his< edited mod total eclipse triggering then his body, the sheer weight of it suffocated me, i couldnt breath, his hand was over my mouth the whole time and i cried, i tried to scream but i couldnt make a sound, i couldnt ma>ke myself heard. This is the same in the dream, ive even found myself braced on the matress my mouth wide open and sweat pouring from me. i hate to go to sleep alone, this is when it happens. This dream is real, its reliving the nightmere over and over,, its vivid and it feels so real when i wake up i even feel sore down there. i want to scream, i want to be heard but when i try no sound comes out, my partner has woke me once from this saying i looked like i was in distress and my mouth was open like i was trying but no sound was comming out. i need to scream. i want to let it out but i cant,,, i need to find my voice again. If i could kill this guy i would but he died a few years ago. to this day ive never told a soul except my partner and he doesnt know all of it,, ive never really gone into details. this wasnt the only instance of sexual abuse in my life there have been 4 others through my life and sometimes it makes me wonder if maybe its me, maybe in some way i ask for it. The second was a group of lads when i was 12, we were in a friends caravan on his backyard capping off school and breathing calor butane gas to get high. i got so high i went unconcious and when i awoke i was naked on the bed with no sheets and the guys where just leaving. i do not know what went off. The third was a suposed friend who didnt understand the meaning of the word No The fourth was in prison by a male gaurd, it wasnt exactly abuse except for that of his position and trust as I used him as a way to get what i wanted, but it was either that end of the ladder or the other end of it. Number 3 isnt a problem, Number 2 i cannot remember but i am doing regression therapy to help me remember,, number 4 was a choice,, its number 1. i need to find my voice, i want to scream in my sleep, i know then ill be able to combat these nightmeres, put them where they belong. can someone please help me find my voice... How can i scream in my sleep?