Scream Your Name

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Patch, Mar 23, 2008.

  1. Patch

    Patch Well-Known Member

    Arrg, I keep trying to talk about you, write about you, reflect and come to terms, everything I say sounds so fucking stupid. Fuck T****, why did you let her fucking kill you, why didn't you fucking RUN, where were your fucking friends? Where was the boy she stabed you over? You fucking died alone on the dirty floor of a drug house. You didn't look 'peaceful' at the wake, you looked like a wax figure. Is there a heaven, T****? YOU'RE DEAD! I hope she gets life I hope she gets life in prison, I hate your boyfriend, he couldn't have been worth it, nothing was worth it. God, I hope you didn't know you were dying, I hope you didn't feel anything. I'm sorry I didn't visit you, how can this be all you leave in the world? You can't just leave memories, its not fair to anyone...I'll come visit you. I promise.

    I bet you didn't think I would cry over you.
     
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Firstly I'd like to say that I'm sorry for your loss :sad: :hug:

    I don't know if you believe in afterlife, heaven or anything like that, but if so, it might be a comfort to think that your friend is 'up there' looking over you, seeing you grieving, knowing that you cared.
    When someone dies, people tend to search for the 'why', which probably never will be answered. We keep looking for answers, even though we know that many questions will never be answered. In the end, it's about giving it a place.

    Calling them, writing about them, talking to and about them.. These are all ways to learn to deal with someone's death.
    Anything you say may sound stupid in your ears, but to the person who died (wherever they are), it will probably all make sense.

    I hope this all made sense. Know that you don't have to grief alone. If you'd like to talk, feel free to email me or add me on MSN (Ishy87[a]gmail[dot]com).

    :hug:

    - Est
     
  3. Patch

    Patch Well-Known Member

    thank you very much. you don't know what that means to be me.

    ...lol, your post made me cry so my dog crawled up beside me :rolleyes:
     
  4. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    :hug: :hug:
    Your dog must sense your sadness.. I love animals for that. They often sense when their boss is sad, without anyone having to say they're sad. :smile:
     
  5. "it might be a comfort to think that your friend is 'up there' looking over you, seeing you grieving, knowing that you cared.
    When someone dies, people tend to search for the 'why', which probably never will be answered. We keep looking for answers, even though we know that many questions will never be answered. In the end, it's about giving it a place".

    SORRY I DONT KNOW HOW TO USE THE QUOTE FEATURE, BUT ISHY SAID IT PERFECTLY.

    I'VE BEEN COPING WITH MY SON'S DEATH IN THIS WAY. I'VE NOT BEEN SMART ENOUGH TO PUT IT INTO WORDS. ISHY CAPTURED IT RIGHT ON POINT.
    MY FAMILY WAS AFRAID I WAS GOING TO GO BACK TO DRUG ABUSE WHEN HE DIED.
    THE REASON I HAVENT IS BECAUSE I HAVE TO BELIEVE HE IS SEEING ME, AND IF I AM SAD IT WILL MAKE HIM SAD.

    WITHOUT THIS BELIEF I COULD NOT MAKE IT.

    I pray you find peace.

    I TRULY DO. THE HURT OF LOSING SOMEONE YOU LOVE IS HUGE, BUT WE MUST FIND AWAY TO MOVE FORWARD.

    STAY CLOSE TO THE FORUM.
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2008
  6. Patch

    Patch Well-Known Member

    thank you. I want to say, and had actualy written, a whole lot more about her but freaked out halfway through, christ I still can't talk about it, and I can't talk about why I can't talk about it. Even this lame excuse for a paragraphe makes my stomache hurt. some of you must be so brave to be able to go into detail about whats hurting you. I thought I was reaching out, but when I come on to the forum crying I can't talk to anyone, and am barely able to try. I know I'm weak and stupid and pathetic for it, and it makes me so angry after, but it just makes me cry so hard and makes everything seem to slow down, like life wants you to experience every second of your misery.
     
  7. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Okay first off: not being able to talk about it, doesn't make you weak, pathetic, stupid or ANYTHING LIKE THAT, got that? It doesn't. It's just hard. And it takes time. Fuck it, I haven't been able to talk about my mother's death until like 2 years ago or so, and she's been dead for a whole lot of years longer.
    It just is an automatic defence mechanism; when something traumatic happens, feelings tend to be shut down, or at least the ability to talk about it, because everytime you talk about it, the trauma is being brought back up, and some stuff in your brain somehow causes to shut that down. It needs to learn to not shut down at those times, because it IS not the trauma itself, as the brain tends to think then.
    Does this make sense? It kinda did in my head actually :unsure:

    Okay let me try to put it differently:
    You experience a trauma, later on when you talk about it, in your brain it feels like you're reliving the trauma, so then you shut down. Because you 'can't relive' it. This all happens subconsciously. At some point you have to learn that whenever you're 'reliving the trauma' it IS not the actual trauma you're going through (though it does feel like that to your brain), so you don't have to shut down.
    This takes time, and it will not happen overnight.

    Therapy could help you with this (I know it is helping me with this).

    :hug:

    I hope this made sense :unsure:
     
  8. Patch

    Patch Well-Known Member

    I miss you.
     
  9. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    :hug: Patch.
     
  10. Patch

    Patch Well-Known Member

    thank you, Ishy.

    The question was asked a long time ago, but I can answer it now.. (if I don't re-read the posts) I think.

    I don't believe in God or the afterlife...so theres no comfort in thinking shes somewhere else.
     
  11. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Then maybe in that case you can take comfort knowing that she's (most likely) had moments of happiness in life. Everyone has certain moments of happiness in life, they can be really big but also really small. Perhaps knowing that your friend has known happiness, might comfort you a bit.
    Though obviously nothing can make your pain go away.

    Sending you many hugs :hug:
    and feel free to email me or add me to MSN if you'd ever like someone to talk to (Ishy87[a]gmail[dot]com)
     
  12. Patch

    Patch Well-Known Member

    I met her through a friend in grade nine or ten. I don't remember how much we hung out...I think it was alot..(<---that sounds dumb, but its true. true and dumb. whatever). We had sleepovers, we went to the beach, we went on bike rides. I smoked my first joint with her (it was her first time too). She dated the guy she knew I liked...which wasn't the friendliest thing to do. And I stopped talking to her. We had the same friends, so I heard about her every now and then. About how she dropped out, and moved out, and was living on the street. And then I had an extra yr of high school and lost contact with my friends, so I didn't hear about her, and I never even thought about her. fuck. That was so long ago. I'm 20 now. I was friends with her at 15/16. I hadn't thought about her in, like, 2 years. wtf. I got a facebook msg from a girl I had stopped talking too (I'm starting to sound like a bitch, haha), and she said "S****** has been trying to reach you. T**** died. She was stabbed. sry." ok. ok. what? ok. google! all I had to type in was here first name and 'stabbing' and so many news stories popped up. She had died the night before. This crazy fucking bitch had stabbed her because she was jealous of T****'s boyfriend! HOLY SHIT. Thats fucked up. She stabbed her in a known fucking drug house after a party....T***** died in the fucking hallway, on the floor. I don't know where her friends were. the newspapers don't say anything. I hadn't seen her in so long, I hadn't thought about her, and I started reading the article and then I just started screaming and screaming. and then I cried. and now I think I see her everywhere. And now I think about her almost everyday. I went to her wake and I saw her mum, but I couldn't say anything to her, I didn't know what to say. And T**** looked like wax or something. she didn't look real. I had to leave so I could bawl in the car. gaddamnit. life is so stupid.


    thank god that bitch is 18, she'll be tried as an adult. I hope she ***** *******. She might as well, if she gets out someone's going to F***'n kill her.
     
  13. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    That's horrible Patch. I hope that person who stabbed her will get lifelong.
    :hug:
     
  14. Patch

    Patch Well-Known Member

    thank you, I hope so too.

    you've been so nice, thank you so much.
     
  15. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    :hug:

    Your story got to me, and I think everyone here deserves support, including you :smile:

    Feel free to message me anytime, if you wanna talk in private :smile:
     
  16. Patch

    Patch Well-Known Member

    I need to visit you. I'l try to visit you this week...I hope I can find the place...:sad:
     
  17. Patch

    Patch Well-Known Member

    No one cares while you're here, but anyone who has ever met you is traumatized by your death. Life is so stupid.
     
  18. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    hey Patch,

    I don't really know what to say at the moment but I just wanted to let you know that I do read your posts here and that your pain doesn't go unnoticed.

    sending you big hugs
    :hug: :arms: :hug:

    Est x
     
  19. Casey.

    Casey. Well-Known Member

    I feel the same way, hun, about writing to my friend that passed. I also feel the same about the way she looked at the funeral.

    I would love to give you a peice of advice, something to help you.
    I can't. And i am sorry
    Hopefully we can go through it together, though
    :hug:
     
  20. Patch

    Patch Well-Known Member

    Thank you Est, Thank you Asher
    :hug: