Screaming behind a glass wall.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Brittless, Jun 7, 2016.

  1. Brittless

    Brittless Well-Known Member

    Talking to people makes me feel suicidal. It's like I'm speaking and saying things but they can't see me or hear me. I'm screaming behind a thin wall of glass that I want to get out. I want to say something. But they're not looking or listening. I think more than anything else, talking to people makes me feel suicidal, so I shut myself off from the world letting only a few trickle in at a time, not even a few. Just one. One. at. a. time. I'm trying to create connections, but it's like I don't relate to anyone or nobody relates to me. Even here I feel it. Like what is the point of me talking if nobody pays attention? What is the point of me existing? I just can't seem to get past that thin wall. It's really such a thin wall but it's strong. And it reflects my inadequacies. I feel weak for thinking these things. Weak for whining about it. For not being stronger and being able to tackle these things on my own, to stand alone. I feel like my mind is breaking into tiny little pieces. and I can't fit them back together again. I don't even know where they go....
     
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hello Brittless, sometimes it's hard for others to know what to say, sometimes we say the wrong thing cause all we have to go on is a few sentences. I've had people get upset with me for trying to just encourage them to go on. Sometimes all we can do here is acknowledge that we hear you and feel your pain. I wish I knew what to say so many times. It's not that I'm not paying attention, it's just that all I have to go on is my perception of your feelings. I beleive that people care, but sometimes after we post and get ignored or called foolish for having hope, it gets a little harder to keep on doing it. Please don't think I'm referring to your particular post, this is just how Ive been feeling the past while. I struggle with depression and anxiety to. I hope you feel better and continue to reach out and I hope you find people you can connect to that give you what you need. Take care.
    Brian
     
  3. Brittless

    Brittless Well-Known Member

    Thanks for replying. I understand that people don't know what to say, what to do. It's not really that. It's just I guess I came here expecting it was possible for me to make some sort of connection. Or have some sort of epiphany. Or Idk, sprout wings and fly from my socially awkward behavior. I was kind of looking for a safe place to just be .. comfortably in a community without having to rely on my bf.. This doesn't just apply here, I mean in general I feel like an outcast from everyone. Even family and old friends. It hasn't always been like this. But once I became ill it was like no one understood or cared to understand what I was going through. They couldn't really. I just feel really alone and invisible and inadequate sometimes.

    and yes, I would never call anyone foolish for having hope. Hope is the only thing that keeps me going when I have nothing else. I think that often people push others away that are trying to help because well, they're scared and distance and loneliness and distrust is all they know.
     
    Brian777 likes this.
  4. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I can relate to how you feel Brittless, it's difficult having an illness, nobody knows how to treat you so sometimes they withdraw and leave you more alone than ever. I look at this forum as a safe place for me, I can pretty well be myself without having to wear the "normal" mask.......but it's still a struggle. I hope you become more comfortable here, there are people who are very caring and looking for the same thing as you. Again none of my post was directed at you, please don't think that, it just made me think of the past little while. I always check the forums to see nobody is left unanswered, just been finding it a little challenging to reply and not say the wrong thing. It's still a good place Britt :) hang in there and give it another chance. I hope you feel better
    Brian
     
  5. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    I understand how you feel about wanting to come here and make connection. This is a great community, but then there is me, the one who is not wanted and on the outskirts. I am so sorry you struggle with this as well it's not the nicest of feelings. But please know I'll be here for you, I may not have the best advice but I will listen n chat with you. I'll just be a pm away. Take care
     
  6. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    I get you Britt. Its really hard communicating illness or pain to others. Our world seems afraid of them. I recently purchased a cremation package for when I pass. Its a pretty common action in the U S of A. But it still freaks people out. Because they don't want to even think about death. Its the same way with illness. We want to deny its existence. But I hope you will feel free to share your feelings here. Sometimes it takes people a while to respond, but they usually do.

    Have you considered discussing lighter topics with people? Maybe they would open up to the latest movie or tv show, sports, the crazy things people spend money on etc. And by engaging in topics that they want to talk about, you might become more comfortable talking to people.
     
  7. Brittless

    Brittless Well-Known Member

    Thanks na-taya. I really appreciate reading that. I doubt you're unwanted! at least not by me. And don't worry, I'm not looking for advice. I guess just looking for a friend?
     
  8. Brittless

    Brittless Well-Known Member

    Yes, that's true SillyOldBear. I wish I could be as understanding as you but I'm just not. Death like everything is part of life, and I guess I expect more from people. Especially my family. Sorry SillyOldBear, I don't think I know how to hold a normal conversation with someone anymore. heh. Thank you for your reply.
     
  9. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Ah Britt, you are just a bit out of practice. Start slow, with easy topics. And sometimes talking to a stranger can be the easiest. Someone you know you will never see again. Then it doesn't really matter if you say something wrong. Please dont give up on yourself.