Screaming inside all the time.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DocZombie, Aug 21, 2012.

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  1. DocZombie

    DocZombie New Member

    The tears have cleared once again, and I'm left standing alone and hollow. I cry so much now that my eyes hurt. My head pounds with the thoughts of things that could have and should have been. All I ever think about anymore is the past. I miss the old me. I used to have friends. Lots of friends. I had a beautiful, charming girlfriend. People used to like me. I was popular. I was witty. I was fun to be around. I was open and social. People came to me for advice and help. Now, I wouldn't be able to drag myself out of the house even if I had a friend left to go see. I can't stand the outside world anymore. Encounters with new people are just new chances to get screwed over by someone. I ruined everything by trusting the wrong people. I got screwed over, and hurt so badly that it made me bitter, and rotten to the core. I let them win. I let them take my happiness away. That bitterness and resentment ruined my relationships. I turned it on everyone who didn't deserve it. Everyone who tried to be there for me. It alienated me from everything I cared about. I lost all of my friends. They stopped trying to talk to me. I lost the love of my life. She's having a baby with another guy now. They've all moved on. I still love them so much and I left them thinking that I wanted nothing to do with them. I know they all hate me. It's no secret. I deserve it. All I can think about is how I want them back. I miss them so much. I would give up everything just to have those people back for one day. For one hour. It's too late for any of that. WHERE THE HELL DID THE LAST 10 YEARS GO!?!? Now every day just brings a new low. A new depth of loneliness and heartache that makes question why I'm even trying. Why am I even pushing forward? I've already lost everything that was important to me in life. I make people uncomfortable now because I just lock up when people are around. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. Nothing makes me happy. I miss loving people. I miss people wanting me to love them. I miss feeling loved. I don't feel anything anymore except anger, remorse, resentment, and hate for myself. I just want it all to end. Now the tears are back again.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm sorry for what you've been through. I know the feeling of getting screwed over, and then taking it out on the wrong people. Is there any chance at all of repairing any of those friendships from the past?

    Just offering a listening ear if you feel like talking.
     
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