fuck fuck fuck but it's got to the point when everytime i'm talking (crying) to my GF she's talking about me calling the fucking samaritans and i hang up. i've got too many unanswered questions. there's too many blank spaces. going to the crisis team or my CMHT is not going to work. they are going to kill me off. the only hope i have at the moment of surviving is just drugging myself up to not feel any pain/sleeping but i've gone through years of living that kind of life. i can't take this anymore. i hate being there for everybody and when i scream there's absolutely nothing there. or , i get people not taking responsibility for what they;ve done, and making me feel confused/guilty. i'm in a nightmare i need to get out of this. everything hurts so much everything hurts everything hurts and there's no one there.