screaming

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by plates, Jul 18, 2008.

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  1. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    fuck fuck fuck



    but it's got to the point when everytime i'm talking (crying) to my GF she's talking about me calling the fucking samaritans and i hang up.


    i've got too many unanswered questions.
    there's too many blank spaces.



    going to the crisis team or my CMHT is not going to work. they are going to kill me off.

    the only hope i have at the moment of surviving is just drugging myself up to not feel any pain/sleeping but i've gone through years of living that kind of life.

    i can't take this anymore. i hate being there for everybody and when i scream there's absolutely nothing there.

    or , i get people not taking responsibility for what they;ve done, and making me feel confused/guilty.

    i'm in a nightmare i need to get out of this.

    everything hurts so much everything hurts everything hurts and there's no one there.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 18, 2008
  2. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    Hey I don't really know what's going on or anything but you can talk to me if you want. Is there anyone else you can go and see or call up? Or maybe you could go for a walk or just go outside and breathe some fresh air. Smash a plate or something. But you've helped me loads recently so I'm here whenever...
     
  3. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    no it's not going to work. the only thing making me survive right now, is sleeping/waking up crying then doing something to block off my pain- this is where i'm heading into difficulty as the way to block off pain recently has been thoughts of suicide more and more.

    i need to block off loads of things/people/needing anything from anybody. i just need to find a good/effective way of self harming to stop me dying. i've got to that stage in my life at the moment.

    thanks for your reply.
     
  4. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    i don't really know what to say.....i hope you don't harm yourself though :( i think you're so kind and intelligent...i think you're really amazing, i wish i could be like that.
     
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Instead of searching for things to self harm, why notwork on something to distract. A hobby or something. Knitting, crocheting, painting, model building, drawing, writing, making music, the list could continue. I am glad that you have opened up here to tell us how much you are hurting. I know it doesn't fix things, but getting it out in the open is the beginning.
     
  6. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you are going thru a rough time right now hun.
    If you want to talk more, please pm me.
    Just take care of yourself and don't do anything stupid please :( it's not the answer.
     
  7. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    thanks your kind thoughts mean a lot. thanks cerise and ripper :hug: i hear your concern

    from experience 'opening up' in real life means fuck all.

    i can 'open up' to my gf. today she asked how i was, usual question through text. i said i was "suriviving." answer: k, i'm off for four hours and my mobile is at home. that's the kind of 'support' i get. or : here is the samaritans number. or : i can't deal with you.

    gentlelady, i don't self harm. i've been battling with cutting for years. i've distracted myself through lots of things, for years. i haven't actually cut properly for years (i'd cut sometimes recently out of desperation that's it) i don't want to get into that again. lately i've been thinking of ODing on sleeping pills just to sleep away the pain. maybe i'll paint to shut things off for a while. i don't know. i could try. thanks for your suggestions anyway.

    i've reached rock bottom emotionally. and i'm finding nobody there. and i'm used to it. i am not surprised. self harming isn't a distraction anymore, it's the only means of survival. hopefully i won't kill myself through it (or act on my thoughts i don't want to although they are very strong at the moment) because i do not want to die.

    but it seems being in emotional distress means nothing. i have to say I AM GONNA DIE RIGHT NOW for anybody to say, yeah she's suffering. and anyway i don't want the help from MH services. i don't want to go into hospital, there is no point. i want my old counsellor back. i miss her so much she's the only person who listened to me and knew what i was talking about and didn't make it seem like it's all in my head, that i'm 'mentally ill'.

    i don't want to die. i'm ""just suffering"" and who gives a fuck eh.
    sometimes suicide seems the only way out of this. if this lasts for a long time who knows what i'll do but generally, "i love life.." so i think this is going to pass. when, who the fuck knows. when people start listening to me and what has happened to me and stop sugar coating things.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 19, 2008
  8. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    I do not think you can argue with gentle lady when she talked about SH and you said that you didn't. It sounds very much like you have started back up again. Distraction is a good way of deal with things and so is controlling your breathing. If you want to smash a plate go for it, scream at the top of your voice let it all out. Writing it on here is all good but doesn't always take the problem away. Just shout at an object (the object being a person in your life)about everything you hate about them and how you are feeling. IT sounds like you are very angry right now and this may help.

    I care.

    :hug:

    Take Care

    Sam
    xxx
     
  9. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I'm not arguing. I'm telling you that I have insight into my thoughts and behaviour, I know when I self harm and when I don't. Cutting out of desperation (once) to stop yourself from hanging yourself, isn't cutting 10 times a day for a year. I know what is 'self harm' to me, and what isn't. That type of cutting I'm mentioning is a prevention of suicide.

    of course i'm angry. you have no idea what has happened to me. and trust me i've tried all the suggestions that have been said otherwise i wouldn't be screaming here in desperation.

    thanks anyway.

    your replies mean a lot . although i might seem like i'm generally being 'difficult' i don't get to this place much in my life especially in the last year or so.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 19, 2008
  10. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Self harm can be in any form what SH was to you before may not be to you know. Any form of hurting ones body is SH.

    Talk to the Samaratians they are there for you to work through everything. We are to. All of us on Sf is prepared to listen to you and try and support you.

    Sam
    xxx
     
  11. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i don't want to argue with you or go indepth about one's body and what one does to it.

    thanks for your concern anyway.
     
  12. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    damn, I only just read this thread. :sad:

    :hug:
    I know I can do only so much for you from behind a computer screen, but you know I care for you and I'm sending you many many virtual hugs.

    And a PM will be on its way in a bit :pm:

    :cheekkiss:
     
  13. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    god you're so sweet, thanks a lot. :hug: your post made me smile and i'm feeling pretty shit/miserable recently.

    don't feel you have to PM me your thoughts here were enough. i know you're going through a lot yourself.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 19, 2008
  14. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Too late :tongue: PM already sent.
    And don't worry, if I couldn't handle (trying to) support others and those I care for, I wouldn't do it :wink:
     
  15. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    :biggrin: thanks. really, thank you.

    xx
     
  16. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Are you feeling any better? :hug:
    I hope you are..
     
  17. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I'm much better, thanks:smile:. Much better emotionally but physically, I need to concentrate on eating every 3-4 hours as I feel weak if I don't and I forget when I'm involved in things.. Thank you for your thoughts.
     
  18. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    :hug: :hug:
     
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