Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by kushioncut, Aug 19, 2012.

  1. kushioncut

    kushioncut Active Member

    I am not sure if this post belongs here or in the having suicidal ideations section.
    When I put in an emergency phone call to my therapist to tell her I was so angry and agitated at everything and I thought it was stemming from my fairly new medications, she told me to try screaming. When I told her I tried that in the past and it doesnt work, she suggested going for a walk, when I explained that hasnt helped in the past, she said I should text the man who has been abusing me for ten years and tell him how angry I am at him. When I said that isnt safe for me, she suggested screaming in a pillow.

    The next time I called her, she suggested I go get a restraining order against this abusive man. When I told her I was scared to do that she told me she was frustrated with me.

    Last Sunday, I took after a statement my brother made about throwing out all my belongings and hurting my dog. ( my brother is not my landlord and does not live with me). I called the suicide hotline to talk. They told me they were very concerned.

    On Monday, I called my therpaist and told her the pills I took and I was still having suicidal thoughts. She told me she did not have any openings until my regulat appt on Thursday, but asked I call and leaeve her Voicemail on Tues and Wed. I called back to say that would not help.My danger times are nights and weekends.

    I went for my appt with my therapist on Thursday. The SUnday pill issue became a huge deal. BeforeI knew it, I was sitting in her offcie while she went to find her supervisor to see if they needed to involuntarily hospitalize me. She offered me volutary hospitalization in prior sessions and agreed with me that days wont do anything for me, my meds cant be changed and evaluated in days, nor will my home life change. She raised her voice to me and said everything she offers I say no too, counting them out on her fingers. Maybe my thinking is wrong, but why should I say yes to screaming in a pillow if I know it wont work, just to please her and take one less problem off her plate? Her superiors agreed if I would agree to be evaluated ny their psychiatrist the next day, they wouldnt have me commited.

    I did go see their dr, who also prescribes my antidepresent medication and two anti anxiety meds. I took all of my meds with me in their original bottles. I told her i didnt think antidepressent med was working, she have that bottle back to me and said keep taking it, weels isnt long enought to tell if it will work. She gave my hydroyzine back to me, saying that wont hurt me if I take it as a suicide attempt. She counted out my clonazepam, gave me 12 of them back, with thoughts of 4 a day until i check in early next week to get more, saying she would note that I turned in 4 of them. She then decided to give me the 4 back. Made no other med changes, talked to me for 70 minutes, the subject of hospitalization wasnt brought up, no med changes made. Talked of calling her on Tuesday or Wed to check in. Talked of my desire for new therapist, and she would see if my therpaist could meet with me on Monday to hash things out. When her phone rang and her next appt was there, she started to usher me out. I started to cry and say I felt nothing was accomplished again. I still felt sucidal and anxious. She raised her voice to me, stating she just gave me 70 minutes of pshchiatric counseling and if I didnt like there agency, I can get services elsewhere.

    I was not yelling or abusive to either the dr or my therapist. I just voiced my frustration of not feeling helped. I am not sure where things stand now. I dont know if I will be getting phone call from therapist tomorrow to work things out, or if I ma still supposed to check in with the dr on Tuesday. Even though I dont feel I did anything wrong, I called and left messages for my therapist and the dr, apologizing for my behavior and asking they not give up on me. I am scared they are going to see me asa difficult client and dischaarge me. I know I can get services elsewhere, but the long haul in staring over seems overwhelming and I cant do it, I will mostly give up on m,yself if I have to.

    I cant seem to advocate for myself. I am in a professsional, stressful job in human servcies and advocate for my cleints every day, but cant seem to do it for myself. Is there an agency that offers advocacy for people getting mental health services?

    I am still feeling suicidal to this day. The thoughts of anxiety of not knowing if I even have service providers anymore, plus the dread of going back to work tomorrow, and the thoughts of my brother coming in the house some time today, yelling he is going to throw out my stuff and my elderly mos stuff, just wants to make me to take more pills and and get in my car and drive it off a steep embankment.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 19, 2012
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    This is awful for so many reasons...obviously if your therapist had to consult her supervisor, she did not feel equipped to deal with the situation..not sure where you live nor your options, but maybe either having a discussion with her to see if she can refer you to someone else or if you can chose to find someone else...if not, when you are with her next, see how you can negotiate your feelings/thinking being more productively integrated into the care...and screaming at you...unacceptable...if she is frustrated she should tell that to her therapist