Often when I began to shift closer to despair, it doesn't feel alot like it's about my current troubles, but a feeling of terror as I think back on what my mother put me through when I was young. She works in pre-school and take pride in knowing alot about handling children, yet to me she showed a whole different face. When I was in my low teens she began behaving sexually towards me. It was so awful and this was shortly after my abusive father had died. I needed a parent but felt I had lost both. Then when I start having a very hard time talking or even being in the same room as her, she makes me her enemy and turns my confused sister against me, even her friends I believe. Im sure she said I was such a nasty kid, being so cruel by not talking to her. How the hell was she thinking...she has no ability to think critically about herself...these days its like she has repressed it all. She always had this way of making reality in the best way possible for herself, becouse she's so weak inside. But this period of my life was when my heart was broken. I even knew it then, I knew my life would never be near normal again. I knew I was totally abandoned and that the fact that my mother was so quick to make me at that age into an enemy, a threat to her weak little self, tells me she never cared deep for me anyway. For years I plauged myself in my teens about how sure I was about what I had experienced, as I saw how much pain me distancing myself caused my sister while she struggled with her own problems. A big part of me died back then and I still feel that shock, disappointment, betrayal, deep in me. I fell apart and has not been put togheter since.