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screams from childhood

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by beatdown, Jun 6, 2016.

  1. beatdown

    beatdown Well-Known Member

    Often when I began to shift closer to despair, it doesn't feel alot like it's about my current troubles, but a feeling of terror as I think back on what my mother put me through when I was young. She works in pre-school and take pride in knowing alot about handling children, yet to me she showed a whole different face.

    When I was in my low teens she began behaving sexually towards me. It was so awful and this was shortly after my abusive father had died. I needed a parent but felt I had lost both. Then when I start having a very hard time talking or even being in the same room as her, she makes me her enemy and turns my confused sister against me, even her friends I believe. Im sure she said I was such a nasty kid, being so cruel by not talking to her. How the hell was she thinking...she has no ability to think critically about herself...these days its like she has repressed it all. She always had this way of making reality in the best way possible for herself, becouse she's so weak inside.
    But this period of my life was when my heart was broken. I even knew it then, I knew my life would never be near normal again. I knew I was totally abandoned and that the fact that my mother was so quick to make me at that age into an enemy, a threat to her weak little self, tells me she never cared deep for me anyway.

    For years I plauged myself in my teens about how sure I was about what I had experienced, as I saw how much pain me distancing myself caused my sister while she struggled with her own problems. A big part of me died back then and I still feel that shock, disappointment, betrayal, deep in me. I fell apart and has not been put togheter since.
  2. Liquid Jello

    Liquid Jello Well-Known Member

    I am so very sorry for what you were put through. I was sexually abused by my mother as well. it was a terrible loss of innocence and loss of a parent, as well as terribly confusing. my mother also "shaped" reality into whatever she wanted.

    I hope you have some support and assistance in dealing with this major trauma. While it's taken a lot of work, I thankfully no longer have flashbacks of the abuse, tho it still is an area of deep sadness.

    Please be as kind, and gentle, and loving and caring for yourself as possible. that's the least you deserve. And if you ever would like to message me, I'd be sure to get back to you.

    take care.
  3. beatdown

    beatdown Well-Known Member

    Im sorry you also suffered like this...I believe its the worst thing a human can possibly go through.

    And thanks, I really appreciate it.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am so sorry you endured this abuse. have you went to counselling? I was raped when I was 12, counselling help very muuch. I really hope that we can help you through this very difficult period in your life and learn to move forward, don't look back, the past has nothing new to show you. Keep the chin up and keep talking to us here on the forum andin chat :)
    citygirl47 likes this.
  5. Taylordur

    Taylordur Member

    I'm so sorry beatdown I really understand it. I like to think is the guilt that makes them shape the reality into whatever they want... I dunno if it's true, but it helps me. It's an horrible experience, and it really breaks you down, I totally relate, I live it, mmm, what helps me with it now, is like to forget about the people who had hurt me and try to be as nice as my own condition allows me. Nobody deserve to live that. And I hate your mother for everything she did to you. You didn't deserve it. Really.
  6. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you had to go through that, beatdown. I was sexually abused by a former coach and raped on 2 separate occasions so I understand the feelings that come along with this sort of trauma. I agree with @Taylordur that maybe the guilt and shame is what makes the abusers create this false reality. It is so that they can feel okay with the evil acts they've committed. I am still not fully over what happened to me but I do know that in order for us to heal we have to be kind to ourselves and realize this was something we never deserved and didn't do anything to receive. That may be the hardest part. I'm sorry you're feeling like you have "not been put together since". Reading that is like looking in the mirror for me. I hope that you can find some relief soon and feel free to PM me if needed. *hugs*
  7. beatdown

    beatdown Well-Known Member

    Thank you Taylor and Lightning. Also, I'm very sorry for the abuse you've suffered. I hope we all find some peace eventually. (And thanks for letting me pm and wanting to help out. Ofcourse you can do the same anytime right back)
  8. Taylordur

    Taylordur Member

    Thanks beatdown, really!! Hugs