AH!! AH!! AH!!
i can't take her anymore! i can't take the both of them. i would love to say that i hate them both, but in saying so i feel like a total witch. they're family. they are my mother & my sister. and yet, i can't stand either one of them.
it isn't jealousy. not at all. it's sheer hatred.
she gets away with everything! literally. she is 2-yr's younger than me, way more out of control, and yet - it's all my fault. how? i don't get it. why is she allowed to do all the things i was never allowed to do?
i take the blame for all of her mistakes. i let my mother flip out on me for her own stupid acts. why do i do it? because i feel like, in some way or another, it is my responsibility as her older sister to "protect" her. i'm so tired of doing it, though. i want to see her get yelled at like i do. i want to see her get thrown out of the house like i did. i want to see her get disowned, like i am currently once again.
my mother dislikes me strongly. the last time things got this bad, we didn't speak for months. i have a feeling that this time around it could turn into years. i hate how i walk in the house after working a 9-hr shift at work & i don't get a word of acknowledgment. not even a simple "hello." but a couple of minutes after my arrival, my sister walks in from a day of ice skating & hanging with friends & my mother goes on to ask her a million questions about her day.
what about mine? :blub:
it is so frustrating. i try so hard to make my mother happy & proud of me. perhaps, i try too hard. idk? but it angers me so much how easily forgiven she is. even more, i hate how she is never blamed for to begin with.
i hate having my mother threaten to call the cops on me. i hate how she tells me i am not allowed to step foot in her house or how i don't have a place to call home as long as she is around. i feel so unimportant to my family.
i feel so - unloved - by the people i love most.
i'm just so upset right now. it hurts, a lot.
i can't take her anymore! i can't take the both of them. i would love to say that i hate them both, but in saying so i feel like a total witch. they're family. they are my mother & my sister. and yet, i can't stand either one of them.
it isn't jealousy. not at all. it's sheer hatred.
she gets away with everything! literally. she is 2-yr's younger than me, way more out of control, and yet - it's all my fault. how? i don't get it. why is she allowed to do all the things i was never allowed to do?
i take the blame for all of her mistakes. i let my mother flip out on me for her own stupid acts. why do i do it? because i feel like, in some way or another, it is my responsibility as her older sister to "protect" her. i'm so tired of doing it, though. i want to see her get yelled at like i do. i want to see her get thrown out of the house like i did. i want to see her get disowned, like i am currently once again.
my mother dislikes me strongly. the last time things got this bad, we didn't speak for months. i have a feeling that this time around it could turn into years. i hate how i walk in the house after working a 9-hr shift at work & i don't get a word of acknowledgment. not even a simple "hello." but a couple of minutes after my arrival, my sister walks in from a day of ice skating & hanging with friends & my mother goes on to ask her a million questions about her day.
what about mine? :blub:
it is so frustrating. i try so hard to make my mother happy & proud of me. perhaps, i try too hard. idk? but it angers me so much how easily forgiven she is. even more, i hate how she is never blamed for to begin with.
i hate having my mother threaten to call the cops on me. i hate how she tells me i am not allowed to step foot in her house or how i don't have a place to call home as long as she is around. i feel so unimportant to my family.
i feel so - unloved - by the people i love most.
i'm just so upset right now. it hurts, a lot.