Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by The_Discarded, Nov 21, 2007.
Fuck it and everything.
Awww hun :hug: whats wrong??
What's wrong hun?! :hug:
let us know what;s going on if you can
i hope you feel better soon :hug:
The_Discarded, hey, we give a shit about you. Tell us your story! We'll care!
I'm really beginning to suck as a person.
I never liked myself anyway, but at the moment there's completely valid reason not to.
I could've been --I could be-- so much better than I am.
Now I lie curled up in my bed and I listen to the kids beneath my window have their stupid petty little fun playing their stupid petty little basketball, and I listen to the couple down the hall arguing about God-knows-what, and I watch the people on TV sing out a dramatic list of memorized words in perfect order, and I watch my sister sleeping blissfully, and I listen to the same depressing songs over and over and over and fucking over again...
...and I sense all of it in such a distorted manner that life seems to go so much slower than it should, if it even goes at all. It's like it hastened... to a stop.
The one thing that performs at its normal pace is my brain.
Problems that usually only stress me out a little are becoming unbearably heavy and closing in on top of me. My thoughts have become a whirlwind. They don't stop.
There are a million people from whom I could ask help, but I hate asking for shit, and I'm so out-of-tune with people right now.
To be honest, I do not need to be alone with my thoughts at this point in time. The one person that just called and said I didn't sound well and asked if I needed her I close off with a "Nope, everything's fine here" kind of lie.
My best bet would be to call over one of the guys that likely just wanna talk so they can make their way into my pants.
I'm so... bitter.... It's like I'm 80.
I sit on my bed with a glass of several beverages mixed together. Most of them alcoholic. Combined, they taste like absolute shit. But I'm drinking it, whatever the fuck it is, hoping maybe it'll help me fade away. And, guess what? I haven't fucking gone anywhere. I'm still cognizant, mind just as clear as it ever was, vision's faded a little, but that's about it. It's like a bunch of forces at once are working against me to bring as much miserability out of me as they can conjure.
God. How big of a sorry pathetic little shit can i be?
No solutions. I've tried it all before. I've tried to get off my ass and just endure and get through each day one day at a time. I've tried to smoke and drink and party and hope through all of that I'd forget everything else. I've tried being constantly busy and not letting my mind drift long enough to get back to the depressing thoughts. I've tried spending significant amounts of time with other people, 'cause you can't kill yourself while surrounded by other people. I've tried counseling and medication. I've tried reigniting my religious faith. I've tried forgetting myself and living for others. I've tried making myself "snap out of it" through guilt trips and telling myself that it "could've been worse." I've tried sleeping it all away. I've tried to gain control by cutting, fucking with my eating habits, depriving myself of certain things for the sheer gratification of knowing that I can. I've tried time and time and time again.
God knows I've tried....
My stomach hurts. I'm gonna throw up. My head hurts. My body hurts. What a whiny little bitch. I'm dizzy because I feel like I'm literally going in circles.
The walls are breathing. They could collapse any moment, I'm sure. They could collapse and kill me. That's fine. That'd be great, actually.
If He'll only spare my sister. I can easily fake a smile for the sister. The strong, strong, innocent little one. I love her with all I've got.
The people... I love 'em with all I've got....
It hurts that I'm capable of handling and advising and comforting so many of others but fuck it to hell if I could do the same for myself.
It's stupid that I've potentially got shit to live for but still don't want to.
So what the fuck is it that I want? And who the fuck cares? Not even I care. I'm too goddamn tired to care.
Always tired. I'll get 30 minutes of sleep. I'll get 30 hours of sleep. It's frustratingly non-restorative and all through it I have nightmares that trouble me more than daytime-life does.
I've dropped out of college. "Signed out," more like. I go to work and then tutor some kid each day. Plan on getting another job at night, perhaps some waitressing job sometime around Christmas. Could start school back whenever, was supposed to apply to some university and start it next fall or whenever, after the custody case... after...
Now I understand how people wind up living at home until they're 40. I'll just sit here... and rot....
Stupidly enough, I feel like I'm being passed by.
My mom stopped here for about 20 minutes earlier to let me know she'll be home tomorrow. She has such fun... not that I don't wish her well. Then again, maybe she's faking it. She fucking OD'd a couple weeks ago. She's better at faking it than I am.
The place is a mess and, at best, it looks like I haven't cleaned for a month. I cleaned it last fucking night and I don't know hwo it got like this.
My eyes are puffy and I've not yet been crying. It's as if they're tired of holding back tears. They feel heavy. HEad feels heavy.
If I'm being punished for something, is it so wrong for me to wonder what it is for which I'm being punished?? I don't lie, steal, hurt people for the fun of it. I'm not even particularly vengeful. Perhaps I ain't the nicest person out there, but I try most times. I try. Whatever I've done I'm sorry. I'd do all in my power to fix it. I'd fix it.
If it's my thinking process, I've tried changing it. it's almost like it's not in my nature to change my mode of cognition. I'm supposed to be all gloomy and negative and nihilistic, because as soon as I try and think positively I feel stupid and childish and hate myself more and fall back into it all.
If only darkness could get darker, I'd deliberately drown in it.
In a word: There's no help for some people. I feel like complete shit and most everything around me is ugly and dead.
And I do realize that no one but I can do anything about it.
No one but I. I just haven't the energy.
Tiny speck on the planet carrying a weight thousands of times my size. Don't know why I typed this out.. no one'll read it.
I'm not... here....
Fuck it and everything.
Ya life is just one vial fucking task after another my life is just a fuckin rat race and im sick of it.
Rae hun please stop beating yourself up :hug:
You are clinically depressed so of course everything is getting on top of you and there is little to no joy in the world. :hug:
Do you have any idea what lies at the bottom of the depression?
Have you seen a doc?
Perhaps some anti-depressants could lift your mood enough for you to work out where its all coming from:unsure:
And btw you are the least whiney person I know :hug:
I think I love you.
Seen a doc, yeah. Not in a year or more, though. It hardly does anything and they never know what to do and then I move and I don't need to put so much money into my psychological health when I can easily just get ove rmyself. Besides, money's needed elsewhere.
But... I dunno. I'll see what I can do.
:hug: Thanks so much for the response, Terry.
Sorry it's like that for you. :hug: Good luck and best wishes
I think you're great. You are able to vent your feelings and thats so good.......I'm new here and wish I could express how I feel..........I hope things get better for you and am thinking of you.....
You're a great friend to me, Disceh :tongue: , and I don't want to see you disappear :hug:
Always here if you need to chat, or just want a hug
Keep fighting and we'll all hold you up and give you much support when needed!
We'll fight off your demons with our nunchucks :nunchuk:
I hope I don't sound or seem like an ass for typing this but...I felt I needed to say it so enjoy my humiliation...
You're brillaint and a wonderful person, and I know that as you read good reviews on yourself you think "bullshit"... Well I'm sure you think that in more advance vocabulary... You think differently that most people... you think ... well better, for lack of a better term.... I wish I had your brilliance, and your ability to state things in such a manner that makes people wish to turn the page... or read more. You help others, including me, though I usually don't let you but I don't let anyone... often. "There are a million people from whom I could ask help, but I hate asking for shit, and I'm so out-of-tune with people right now." I understand that mindset you stated there, your a helper, as am I...and it's kind of shocking when you come accross people who generally care about you...or atleast it shocks me, and you can't be "out-of-tune with people and still be able to help them. Usually in the forum people say "your amazing" or "we all love/care about you" etc. but you know that, well part of you knows it...atleast. You're not pathetic or any of the negative things you think you are...and yes, I am completely aware that me saying that doesn't mean a damn thing to you, because it nevers means anything when people tell me those same things.
Me and you are alike in the fact that we often times were other peoples leaning post throughout our lives...we were born and bred to help others...but along the paths we've taken we often forgot that we, ourselves, were...are...human as well, and whoever made us...and those who raised us, forgot to instill in us the abillity to accept help as well as give it. Maybe thats why we give such good advice...
So far I have discovered three groups of people...
Those who always need help: the Patients
Those who help the Patients: the therapists
and then those people like me and you...who, as it seems, were simply sent here to help the Therapists so they can continue helping the Patients...so the Patients could grow up to continue ruling the world with the Therapists not far behind...
I don't have a name for people like us because to the world we don't exsist... We are the bottom of the food chain...though we should certainally be the top seeing as without us the very fabric of exsistance would unravel...thats why we have such an urge and drive to continue helping others no matter the cost, even is that cost is our sanity... There is a very fine line between genius and insanity...without genius we couldn't help the world and without insanity we couldn't relate to the world...
And I'm certainally no genius, far from it, but I have a mind for emotions and puzzles...
And on a side note...this is the longest...anything I have ever written...my thoughts usually move too quickly for me to be able to place them down...
heh...thanks Rae for telling me how to spell genius...
Pm me if you want to talk.
I read it...
I read a quote somewhere... it said something along the lines of:
"The worst feeling in the world is knowing exactly what you need to do, but not having the energy (or not caring enough) to actually do it".... something like that.
And I don't know what to tell you either... I guess the main thing preventing you from improving your situation is because you don't believe you deserve better? Is that it? But everyone deserves better... and that includes you.
They're not meant to solve anything on their own, but they might act as a crutch so that you can at least move about while you figure out how to solve it yourself.
Easily? If it was really easy, wouldn't you have done it by now? And also, is it really a case of getting "over yourself"? There are probably lots of outside factors that contributed to the situation, so don't just blame it all on yourself. You can solve it, that's true, but that doesn't mean you caused it.
Thanks, NooSenseFantastika tongue: You genius, you :laugh :hug: :hug:
Thanks, sam :smile: :hug:
I appreciate that.
You know, I don't know. I'm at a loss. I think I'm just tired. I've exhausted my options and don't really care to keep trying endlessly and aimlessly.
I won't say there's no joy in life, because I'm capable of having fun for awhile with the help of a couple friends and a substance or two. I'm simply coming to think it's not worth it at this point. If I'm going to feel like this, what's the purpose? And that scares me because the least I can do is stick around for my sister's sake. I'm all she's got and I'm too selfish to realize it.
My existence is becoming a hindrance, maybe. Yet, my nonexistence would leave a lot of loose strings that I don't have the heart to choose to allow... at least while I'm alive.
Sigh. Never thought I'd be this sick of it all already. :dry:
I've been on 'em before. I've been through all the medical stuff. Been diagnosed Bipolar, PTSD, etc., etc..
It's all a bunch of futility, to me. Meds messed with my moods and personality even further. As a result, docs kept changing them. This was a few years ago. I've moved a couple times since then, and I just kind of figured it wasn't worth the effort to get a new doctor, since they never did anything anyway. Would be a tremendous waste of money.
Besides, I've yet to see anyone helped because some shrink slapped a diagnosis and shoved some pills down someone's throat.
Maybe... I dunno. It's easier than i'm making it and I was raised to think things like this are, sort of, imaginary. You can get over 'em if you really wanna. now, I try not to always follow in the nonsense that I'm fed, but that frame-of-mind is something that's settled into my thinking habits.
So I don't give myself any mercy. I think when you start to give yourself mercy, you feel comfortable in the bad and cling to it. Maybe that's counter-productive thinking, but it's ingrained.
I feel a lot of my shit is my dwelling on problems. I think too much. And it's immature thinking. It's what I get. If I weren't so lazy and didn't spend so much time at home, maybe I could get my sister involved in some activities so that she can get some culture out of them. Then again, she's not the most physically healthy kid out there, and she's often sick and I don't want to push her beyond her capability because that's cruel and I love her too much. But still, that way, I could maybe work more and longer or do other productive things and when i got home I could go straight to bed so there'd be no period of stopping and thinking anywhere in between. Everything bad that's happened has happened when I've allowed time for me to sit and breathe. If I'd been smart enough to learn to adjust to my nature and done things which were beneficial to me I wouldn't be in this predicament.
In short, I need to "get over myself." I don't need to try and convince myself that it's okay to be as pathetic as I am by getting the comfort of medical attention. I just need to either shut up about it, forget about it, or top myself.
Hmm... I'd rather take accountability for my feeling like this. The things that've happened aren't always a fault of my own, but my pathetic reactions to them are.
But I just don't know. They're impossible to fix now... 17 years in the making. I know other people have dealt with issues that have been underlying for 3x the length of time I've been alive, but I fall into habits strongly and quickly and it'd be incredibly hard to pull me out, especially with the daunting lack of drive I've got now.
I'm ... done for. :laugh: it's what I deserve. Eh, so what, I'm just one little girl. I feel only barely existent anyway, so if I can get through a few more years of this drifting, it won't make a difference.
Regardless, thanks for your thoughtful response. :hug: You've my due gratitude. Take care of yourself.