I'm not at the point yet that I've decided on being dead, but I can't wait for the release of all this tension building up in my life. I am involved in so many activities, which are fun, but both time-consuming and effortful. I can't quit any activities because that would either seriously impair the other members involved or jeopardize my future (if I end up having one). I don't know what to write- it seems like I don't care about anything but to help others. Which is good and I want to help but I understand that the "me" has to come first. Then again I apparently don't understand that, because I'm so focused on others that I'm losing myself. And if I spend too much time writing this message or being online not doing my work/homework, then I run the risk of a chain reaction- i.e. not leaving enough time for work leads to having to do everything at the last minute as deadlines approach. Sorry this was a ramble. I don't know what to do though. It seems like the resolution of tension is nowhere in sight. Except for the summer of course, which appears a long ways away. Then I can finally end it.