Screwed Up (may trig)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ThornThatNeverHeals, Apr 23, 2011.

  1. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    Its fucking screwed up, im tired of this, i cant even have a family anymore. They drop me off at school in the morning, and pick me up after my sport. thats all i fucking get. Oh and they happily drop me off on sundays to see my horse and leave, god forbid they see the improvements i make. They dont care, i try to make us a family, to at least to something PER MONTH! is that too much to fucking ask ok three other people, to coordinate your schedule for 3 hours MAX per MONTH??? apparently so, because god forbid my mother misses her television show, on every WEEKDAY! I mean, its much more important than going out for dinner with the family. She comes with us, then sees that her show is going to be on, and leaves us, for her show. Tells me to get her food togo and to bring it home to her. she would have only missed 20 min of her show, but even that is too much. The TV is more important than our family apparently.

    Now my stupid fucking uncle shows up. He screws up everything :blub: i hate him, hes a stupid thief on drugs and alcohol and god knows what else. He cant be left home alone for he only steals, and now i have to deal with him. I might as well fucking killl myself. the dinner i planned for easter (and i only planned it to take the load off my grandmother whos is helping with a dying mother in law) is now cancelled, because he cant be fucking left home alone, and he sure is hell is not coming over here. Its sooo fucking stupid. my grandfather needs to kick him out. He is fucking 40 and he cant even support himself. He needs to get of drugs and all that shit or deal with his life. My grandpa cant fix him, and it hurts the rest of us so much. I cannot go out there without having to watch my back, because he will get drunk and come after me. I cant feel safe, even brushing my horse :blub: its such bullshit, i wouldnt even go out there, but my poor baby is sick, and if not for that, and how sick she was, id not go there. Id sacrafice the only happiness, its so bad, its fucked up. Im done, i dont want to be here, and obviously my family doesnt give a shit, so what left is there? if i had the fucking balls id take xxxxxxxx, even before i posted this.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 24, 2011
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Thorn, it is so unfortunate that they do not see your goodness...wanting a family is something almost everyone goes through...mine were primates (as I have said many times I do not wish to insult primates), and I always longed for a family...a real family...people who cared and ones I could count on...I did not get that either, so my friends became my family...wish there was more I could do other than to say that they are truly missing out...J
  3. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    *hugs tightly* I wish no one had to deal with this.. I wish I could come give you a great big hug. :hug:
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    That's horrible, like sadeyes said, its unfortunate they do not see your goodness. If you need someone to talk to, PM me :) I will listen.
  5. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    but what did i do wrong? :blub: they cant just be that way, cuz they always act like im the one who fucks up everything, but they dont seem to want to tell me why, it just always is my fault :blub:
  6. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Truth is, yes, they can just be that way. I know they can. :sad: It's not you. They can't tell you what you did because you did not do anything. If you keep pressing them, they might make something up, or attribute something to you, but it's still not your fault. They have the problem. They need to own it not you.

    *****HUGS***** and ***hugs*** and ***hugs*** and more ***hugs*** and if you need some more or someone to vent too, feel free to contact me.
    If I could give you some strength to get through this I would.

    It is NOT you. You are not to blame. You did not mess up. Honest. They used to tell me the same thing. Don't accept it. Don't accept the blame, it's not yours. I used to try to figure out what was wrong with me too. I knew something must be wrong with me, and that messed my head up a lot, trying to figure it out. Truth is, it is not you.

    Reading your post is like a trip down memory lane for me.

    I recall getting fed up with things and attempting to get the family together. I worked on each person. I recall with my mother, simply attempting conversation. I would try to discuss the weather or other simple things. She finally wanted to know what i was doing, why i was asking her questions all the time. I remember looking at her in utter frustration and basically telling her; you just don't get it do you? You just can't see, I'm simply attempting to have a normal conversation with you. That i long to talk to you. That I just want a normal conversation and i don't care what we talk about. I remember her saying, Why? Why do you want to do that? Anyway, it never happened. The convos never happened. Well, once I became an older adult, they did. I also recall telling them that just once in a while, i would like to hear; I love you. Just once in a while, and perhaps a hug. She thought that was abnormal. She thought for sure something was wrong with me. She even accused me of doing drugs and my bro had to set her straight (he was at uni by this time-I had never touched any drug or alcohol)

    I tried planning activities and made countless meals, in hopes of sitting at the table. Dad drank too much for that to happen. He had bad ptsd. By that time, he was he was beaten down so much he just wouldn't do anything. When I was young he tried to take us places but mom pitched a fit. Sometimes he won out, although those trips/camping would end up business related. Camping out with guys on base during war games. It was better than nothing. There were a few special things he managed to pull off, but there were also some other odd dynamics going on. I could sort of have a convo with him but they were not normal. Far from normal.

    **hugs** for you. Sounds utterly frustrating.

    Can you leave your parents at home and go to Grandma and Grandpa's for Easter dinner? Just stay near them so this Uncle person won't bother you? Do you have a cell phone in case he becomes a problem, you can dial for assistance?

    I hear you about the tv. I don't watch it except once in a while pbs. Just never liked it, not as a kid either. Constant noise people seem to need. They no longer sit and talk to each other.

    Do you ride at your Grandparent's home? I rode at my Grandfather's ranch. He taught me lot. Having a horse buddy can be helpful. For me it was. Can help a person keep their sanity. A good horse is honest and easy to communicate with. Stability of that relationship can be helpful. I spent a lot of time riding or training. What style of riding do you do? Involved in any clubs etc? Is there some way your Grandfather can insist your uncle not go anywhere near you when you are working with your horse? Is there some way to set things up so you will be safe and won't have to be concerned?

    At this point, i don't know if any of what i am about to share with you will mean anything, but i'll put it out there anyway.

    Both my parents were abused as children. I didn't understand this, nor did it mean anything to me until I was an adult. When i was younger, i only knew a tiny bit about this. One parent tried desperately not to pass that abuse on (this parent tried, failed in some areas, did ok in others), the other one didn't have a clue and could have cared less. Unfortunately the one who tried not to pass it along, was gone a good deal of my life due to work. That parent was horrified when they found out about the abuse. Grandfather made a lousy father, although a good provider, yet made the best grandfather ever. Were it not for my grandparents i likely would have grown up to be an abuser. They gave to me many of the skills i use today. The parent who was the primary abuser, turned out to be a terrific grand parent and human being. Took her a while, but she got there and eventually even apologized. I never asked for one. She needed an ear, and shared lot with me, and as things came up, apologized. Still does. Little bits come out from her, here and there. Parents are not perfect. Some totally mess up. Just keep in mind it is not you. It's not because of you. It's not your fault.
  7. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    thanks much, and i love to ride... I ride western, as that is the most logical for the work and terrain that i have. I cannot escape uncle, but it seemed better today, as he wasnt drunk. If i go out there i have to deal with him, as grandfather loves him as his son, and it pains him that i dont wish to be around him, because he understands why. if i let onto my fear i will no longer be able to see my horse, as mother will restrict my rides out there. She will just find some other place to send me instead.
  8. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    I love riding as well. I really enjoy turning folks on to horses. People who have never ridden, or those who are afraid of horses. It's great fun.

    Yeah, don't need time with your horse restricted. Sigh, that would break my heart if it happened to me. Just try to be safe. I know you will. You seem to have a very good head on your shoulders. Sensible.

    I so wish your family would come around. I never had any success with mine, so i have no idea what works. After no success, I even point blank told them what i was attempting to do, in hopes they would come around.

    **hugs** for you.
  9. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    ThornInYourSide, i can only repeat what the others have said and stress that its easier for your parents to blame you than for them to accept its their problem as they dont want to face whatever it is, so dont take on their guilt.

    as regards family, you can have that with your own child, give her what you feel you are missing so she will never feel the pain you feel now. she is your family so make her your priority and the others take 2nd place. you can have your family, it might just not be the one you are looking for.

    i hope your baby is doing ok :hug: