screwed up yet AGAIN

[grinded serenity]

why do i have to keep doing this to her? she told me she thinks i need help, she called me and said to me "you need help, ill be online if you want it. thas all i have to say." and this is AFTER telling her she cant come crying to me when she fucks up, this is after i fucked up again and told her things i shouldnt. i dont get what the hell is rwong with me, i put her into the middle of my life and for what? so i can shit all over the place? this isnt acceptable, she doesnt even believe me when i tell her i love her anymore. i dont get this, i try to help, but i just make things worse. i fuck up every time i try to help somebody, i cant even help myself. i couldnt help my step sister, i couldnt help my friends, i always fuck up. i feel like i have to help everybody but in the end i just make it worse for everybody around me.

i even fucking hurt myself right after she called, and then i got online to talk to her. i was talking to her when i was cleaning up blood dripping off my leg, she tried to get me to stop and this is how i treat her? she tried to help yet again, she tried to save our friendship, but i only fucked up again and told her things i shouldnt of. i put too much pressure on her now, imcompletely screwing this up. just like everything else. shes telling me that i need help, that i need to stop hurting myself and i need to tell somebody who can help because she thinks she cant. she can, she doesnt see it because im so fucking stubborn.

god damnit, this is becoming a trigger for me, and im about to hurt myself yet AGAIN. god, i just want to screamat the top of mylungs until i cant scream anymore. and then stab myself in the leg with a knife.

 

[grinded serenity]

i feel like i shoudl just end it.. but shes the only person i have now. i feel like if i keep holding onto her like this im just going to mess her life up, i feel like she just needs to forget me. i feel like im just holding her back from being happy... like if i left her she would have alot lessproblems. i dont want to hurt her anymore, i cant keep this up. she wants me to get help but i cant.. i fucking CANT. im not going to do it.. i cant, i cant admit some things to some shrink, im not letting anymore people judge me. ive let enough out of the vault.. i cant let anymore out.

i dont know what to do anymore, shes lost so many people. i cant be her father, i cant leave her like this. but i cant keep hurting her, i cant get help, i cant stop. god DAMNIT. somebody fucking end it for me

 

[grinded serenity]

so.. like, im happy now. im laughing a good amount, im doing nothing but smiling. this is fun. i cut myself 3 times tonight.. it dripped a little, and thats not normal for me. i dont think i have good blood flow or something, cause blood almost never gets to that point.. but i still laughed. i just dont care, im happy, i dont care about anything anymore. i could die at this second and just be fine.