Screwed Up

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by love-scars, Apr 1, 2007.

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  1. love-scars

    love-scars Guest

    This, as most of you can tell, is my first post on this website. I joined I think yesterday, but I have been here before, a lot of times, reading up a few things. The fact that I joined I assume, is a start, even though there are so many more steps I have to take to get through this.

    To explain what has happened most of my life, would be near impossible. You would have had to be intimately close to me to understand why I react to certain things I do, and what exactly happened and why the smallest things can get to me.

    I guess my past kind of triggered a few things. I used to be beaten. Not a lot mind you. Little things. I was kind of like a slave for my parents. But, not in that sense. They love me, I know that. They just don't really know how to deal with their own problems so they neglect mine. I don't really mind, but it did mess with my head. I mean, I grew up with the constant "you are worthless" rant and now it's hard to think otherwise.

    I moved in Grade Eight up to my new area. That's when everything fell. I got my first friend in Grade Eight, I actually became social, and things kind of really screwed up because I had to make up for something like, ten years, worth of a social life.

    In grade nine, I went through a bisexual phase at a Catholic School. That really crushed me. No details of course, because well.. yea, that's not important. I cut myself the first time when the girl, my best friend, that I had a crush on, lectured me about how 'disgusting' bisexual people are, and how 'greedy' they are.

    So, I cut myself in the school bathroom with a mirror shard.

    Grade Ten, I shut myself out. My grandfather had died, my mother and grandmother were clinically depressed, my dad lashed out me at one point, and I thought he was going to rape me (He didn't, never intended to, I was just really screwed upin the head at that time)

    I met a guy, my brother's best friend, for the REAL first time two days after second semester. (June 29) Two days earlier, my school had found out about my slightly suicidal thoughts and told my mother, clinically depressed, who slipped more into depression because of it.

    I told him everything, we hooked up, and I basically let him use my body (yes, sexually) in every way but intercourse.. to prove to myself I wasn't bisexual. Yes, very bleeping stupid. But I love him to death. Like, he'te the only person who I can hang around with and be myself. Because he doesnt care. Which is bad and good.

    A lot of shit happened this year.. He left me nine days later, I took it bad. My cousin turned suicidal, I met her crush from Ottawa, and talked to him, who also turned suicidal on me. My best friend also turned suicidal because of her parents divorcing and realy beating the shit out of her. My other guy friend, was abandoned at the age of three and adopted again, has tried to run away, and has smoking, drug and drinking problems.

    I care about my friends a lot. The one thing I don't want you guys to say to me is to 'start caring more about myself'. Please don't, because my friends ARE my life.

    So, last night everything fell appart. I met my ex's cousin, we talked and I relized seomthing was really wrong with my ex. I still love him. We hooked up two weeks ago, and again he used me sexually. He knows about the me being bi part, and well... Everyone freaked out last night.

    We all ended up sobbing on the church parking lot, me running to the middle of the street to get hit only to be tackled to the ground by one of my guy friends (Wont mention names)

    I have my ex's name engraved in my arm. His cousin knows this. Everyone from last night knows this.

    Look, it's really hard to explain what I'm thinking and things like that.. But words he said yesterday haunt me. He asked me how I wanted him to break my heart.

    I know he cares about me though because I could see it in his eyes.

    He's scared.

    I'm scared.

    Everyone's scared.

    And I'm suicidal. Have been for a while. Have tried to kill myself, I cut, I write evil poetry.. I'm the "package"

    I'm assuming if I'm too scared and stubborn to get help other than from my friends who are also all bleeped up, the least I could do was come here and just talk.

    I don't want the "call kids help phone" "get a psychiatrist" preach.. I just want friends that care, you know?

    Hope I haven't bored you too much...

  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Ana and welcome...we are all afraid of the unknown, but getting help may be of benefit right now as you have so much on your plate to deal with and ppl around you who are hurting too...and suggesting this does not mean I do not care...I care very much, but know that sometimes it is best to have a professional guide someone's journey...please PM me if I can be there for you...big hugs
  3. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    The same goes for me hun. I hope you stick around. Tell us what's bothering you if you'd like, might make you feel beter. Hang in there. :)

  4. BrooklynRider

    BrooklynRider Well-Known Member

    Hi Ana-

    It seems your instinct to live is stronger that your instinct to die. You wouldn't be here otherwise.

  5. TwilightKid

    TwilightKid Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum!

    I hope u will find some useful stuff here and u will also find really nice people to talk to! It does help believe me! Sometimes just letting go of all the bad feelings helps too! Its important to share what u are thinking and feeling and the pain will not be that strong anymore! And most important - we all have problems, so i think its so great being around people who can relate!
  6. love-scars

    love-scars Guest

    Wow. I go to work and come back, and a whole bunch of people actually care and reply!

    Well, I guess I do have to say, I want to live. Of course I do. Just not like this, you know what I mean? And sometimes I get tired of fighting...

    I just like to have people to talk to
  7. love-scars

    love-scars Guest

    So yea... I'm not taking things so well suddenly.

    Mmmm. I wish I could explain what's happening without making it sound like it's nothing to cry about.

    I let my best friend have my ex.

    Just now.

    They're hooking up tomorrow.

    Which would be cool, I mean I should be happy right? Happy for the two people who mean the most...

    :sad: So why is it hurting so much?

    Mmm.I broke the "almost two months without cutting" chain.

    I didn't mean to... But I spazzed out.

    My ex wont know I did this for him

    My best friend wont know I did this for her.

    For all they know, the smiles on my face are real....

    I hate this.:sad:
  8. Suicidal_Dragon

    Suicidal_Dragon Active Member

    Hi there Ana,

    You and I have a lot in common. I have had a lot of things happen to me this year too... And I have been suicidal awhile as well. Have also been cutting.... 42 cuts to be exact, had to count for a second there ^^. I can understand a lot where you are comming from.
    If you ever need a friend I am here for you. PM me if you would like to talk sometime.

  9. love-scars

    love-scars Guest

    Yea, you see, I would count my cuts, but I only really have four. N-I-C-K I just go over it now. Over and over and over.

    It's really hard you know? I just had a conversation with him too, about an hour ago and I explained to him that I broke my own heart for him. I convinced my best friend to go out with him because I know the only reason she wont is because of my feelings. So I shut myself out from them. He knows how much I'm hurting.... I don't even know if he cares too much. But he also knows I'm the foundation of their relationship, should everything go as planned tonight.

    If she finds out I have feelings for, she'll drop him so fast.

    I haven't been this suicidal and depressed in a while... I'm back to my shut-myself-out-and-listen-to-emo-music self. Everyone else knows something's wrong but they just wont ask because I'll spazz.


    It really freaking hurts.:sad:
  10. love-scars

    love-scars Guest

    I broke it. Gah. I broke it.

    I almost went two months without cutting.

    But I just broke it.

    I stopped before it got bad, but I made it bleed.

    I don't think I can do this...:sad:
  11. Suicidal_Dragon

    Suicidal_Dragon Active Member

    Even though things are bad, dont give up. Try as hard as you can to continue through life. It is hard believe me. But you have to keep trying. Just please keep trying to live.
  12. love-scars

    love-scars Guest

    =/ It's so hard
  13. love-scars

    love-scars Guest

    Oh God... Why does my ex have to come and screw things up more?

    I really think I can't go on much longer.. I can't even sleep properly anymore.. It's getting so hard to concentrate on anything, and ever so slowly I know I'm slipping even though I'm holding on so tight

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