I'm pretty much screwed as far as life goes. Began my 3rd school program last week and already I have missed 3 days out of 9. They said it's my final chance as I'm 18 now and they have no obligation to teach me. I WILL screw it up. I ALWAYS do. I cannot help it. I try but I DO alway fuck it up. My mom screams at me about what it is that I'm going to do with my future if I don't get a diploma and go to college. How I'll be an uneducated loser. Even offering to pay me $20 a day to go. IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK LIKE THAT. But it doesn't matter, I'm just doing this to get out of school and for attention it seems. They would not believe how much pain I am in until they find my dead body. Even they would be the type to say "We never saw it coming how could this happen". It's damn easy to say you would've been there for them when the person is gone already... I've a doctor appointment tomorrow for medication. I am sure they will just think I am a junkie because I don't want to do therapy. They can say it works for however many people they want but IT SERIOUSLY FUCKING HURTS ME. And honestly they'd probably be right. I literally cannot tolerate being alive 90% of the time without being drugged out of my mind. In less than 2 weeks I spent $200 on weed and I've used it all already. I've taken enough vicodin today that it's in the level of potential liver damage. I will do ANYTHING to get away from the anxiety, no matter how much damage it does, oxy, neurontin, alcohol, I just have to escape. Right now with what I've taken the anxiety is quelled but I'm still suicidally depressed. And you know what? I can deal with the being sad and wanting to die but I just can't handle being on edge 24/7 and being unable to relax no matter what. I can't stand the anxiety anymore. A person should be able to relax. Enjoy a hobby. WANT to do something. To wrap up this boring little excerpt my realistic options seem to be utter misery and pain for the rest of my life or ending it tomorrow if my doctor gives me anything. I cannot live, only struggle or die.