screwed

I'm pretty much screwed as far as life goes.

Began my 3rd school program last week and already I have missed 3 days out of 9.

They said it's my final chance as I'm 18 now and they have no obligation to teach me.

I WILL screw it up. I ALWAYS do. I cannot help it. I try but I DO alway fuck it up.

My mom screams at me about what it is that I'm going to do with my future if I don't get a diploma and go to college. How I'll be an uneducated loser. Even offering to pay me $20 a day to go. IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK LIKE THAT.

But it doesn't matter, I'm just doing this to get out of school and for attention it seems. They would not believe how much pain I am in until they find my dead body. Even they would be the type to say "We never saw it coming how could this happen".

It's damn easy to say you would've been there for them when the person is gone already...

I've a doctor appointment tomorrow for medication. I am sure they will just think I am a junkie because I don't want to do therapy. They can say it works for however many people they want but IT SERIOUSLY FUCKING HURTS ME.

And honestly they'd probably be right.

I literally cannot tolerate being alive 90% of the time without being drugged out of my mind.

In less than 2 weeks I spent $200 on weed and I've used it all already.

I've taken enough vicodin today that it's in the level of potential liver damage.

I will do ANYTHING to get away from the anxiety, no matter how much damage it does, oxy, neurontin, alcohol, I just have to escape.

Right now with what I've taken the anxiety is quelled but I'm still suicidally depressed.

And you know what? I can deal with the being sad and wanting to die but I just can't handle being on edge 24/7 and being unable to relax no matter what.

I can't stand the anxiety anymore. A person should be able to relax. Enjoy a hobby. WANT to do something.

To wrap up this boring little excerpt my realistic options seem to be utter misery and pain for the rest of my life or ending it tomorrow if my doctor gives me anything.

I cannot live, only struggle or die.

 

Just to put it out there, you don't have to get a high school diploma to go to college. At least here, you can go to a community college still and then transfer to a better one if you really want to go. And I think you need to just do what is best for you. If you can't handle school, you can't. And that is hard when all these people are telling you, you have to finish. But a lot of people don't. So don't be too hard on yourself, and try not to let everyone get to you. Just do what you can. That is all anyone can ask. And eventually you wont live with people telling you how to run your life. So, just try to hold on till then.

I hope things will get better for you. Don't give up yet!

 

Hi cult logic
I'm sorry that life seems so unbearable for you. Is there any chance you can ask for more support from your tutors, or sit down and explain to them about your situation, about how you are trying but due to your mental health you find it really difficult at times to go to school? Is there a possibility they will be understanding and try and support you? It must be more stressful to have everyone on your back, making high demands that you know right now you can not reach.
I don't think your doctor will think you're a 'junkie' because you don't want therapy. People are different, some find therapy beneficial, and others don't, it really is up to the individual. If you explain why you don't want therapy, your doctor will have more of an understanding too. If they prescribe you medication, please just give it a try. See if it helps you, as medication can really help a lot of people.
I understand that anxiety is awful, I know how it feels to be on edge all the time, but hopefully the medication can take the edge off of that, and help you relax.
I'm sorry that things are such a struggle for you right now. Please let us know how the doctors go.
Take care :arms:

 

Hi in time you will be able to chose what it is YOU want to do with your life so hang on okay The therapy does hurt deeply it draws out the pain to the open where you can see it and feel it more but then it is dealt with slowly it does hurt dam it but if it is not looked at it will never heal it will always be there

Some people can do therapy others cannot but then medication can help anxiety alcohol cannot it only screws you up more. i hope in time you find t he combination of things that will bring you healing and peace i tend to do both meds and therapy together at times anyways.

I hope you day is less stressful talk to the coucillors at your school and get support okay get a note from your pdoc and pass it on to the coucillors so they can help you have less stressful days hugs

 

The school thing is just the shitty life I have to go back to if I ever got my actual problems sorted out.

I went to the doctor and he of course gave me a bunch of anxiety pills that "might take effect after a few weeks".

I cannot wait that long.

My mom agreed with me today, that I am probably just screwed anyway.

So I guess that's the final straw and it's over.

I've 90 of what I was just given, and if the internet is correct that should hopefully be lethal.

Oh well.

 

You can wait, give it a chance, youve put up with it this long.

Give the meds to your mom and tell her that you need her to handle giving them to you everyday, is she asks why then tell her, maybe that would open up her eyes to how bad your feeling.

Cult, if I can say anything and you probably dont want to hear it, stop self medicating, stop all the harsh ones atleast please, cause they are clouding your judgement and making you feel down when your coming off them.

Please some of the drugs youve listed are horrible ones, I know for sure that oxys, viocodin, and some of the others change moods, gives you an aggressive feeling, which makes you feel like everything is wrong.

Hugs