I'm supposed to get an important call tomorrow about finishing high school. I was going to go to bed at 11:30, it's 4:05 am now. I wrote the stupidest email to the woman at admissions, and now I have to talk to her on the phone, oh god. My mom hinted at me to get a job yesterday, then she said it was my choice whether or not to get one, I know she is trying to be supportive but I wish she would pick one side & stick to it. I'd be happier if she threw me out onto the streets to force me to get a job. And I was going to apply for a job yesterday, but being the idiot I am, got onto the wrong bus and wasted a couple hours. I am fat and I try to exercise and eat better but my sister and mom bring home candy and chips and get upset if I don't eat it with them or they make me feel bad for making them eat all of the unhealthy stuff themself. I tried walking and it did nothing for my weight, I tried running now I have terrible shin splints and it hurts to walk. I want to go swimming or play tennis but I have no one to do those things with and no money. I hate worrying about my parents dying, either of them could go any day my dad is old and my mom has had a heart attack. If I think about it when I'm eating it feels like I'm gonna choke, when I go to bed I think about it and I feel guilty for sleeping when I should be protecting them, it would be so much easier to not love anyone, but it gets so lonely. Someone from the internet is trying to be my friend, they are way too good for me and it's so tiring to try to hold a conversation I can only bring myself to talk to them once a week, I feel bad but I don't know why they want to be my friend so badly, even though they've given no warning signs I'm paranoid that they might try to scam me or it will all be a joke. I'm scared that they will ask to meet me soon and then reject me because I am not perfect. They are the type of person who is close with their family and joke around with their friends and go out and play sports, and I am the complete opposite, a hermit with a very dysfunctional family. They assumed I had a job and I let them, I also told them I was going back to school but it was just a pretest, I don't go back until the fall that is if I can actually get up to take that woman's call. If this person rejects me it would be the worst because they are so nice and they really seem to want to get to know me but I guess it would be easier if they would reject me, I want them to go away I stopped talking to them for a few months but they emailed me asking how I was doing every month so eventually I felt bad and replied. I hate having friends because there is always in the back of my mind the worry of when will they start to hate me, do they secretly hate me, can I say this, should I do that, how can I make them stay etc. I told them in the start that I was lonely but now I act like everything is great when it's not but I do try to be positive, it just gets old and there are so many things to obsess and worry about and sometimes it all comes crashing down like tonight.