Searching for a reason not to.....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by boagypsy, Oct 31, 2008.

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  1. boagypsy

    boagypsy New Member

    Today is a really bad day. I woke up this morning and cried and cried. I did things to try and end it, but my courage failed me. I've been depressed on and off for the last 3 years since I lost my job, since then I've lost my partner my children and my self respect. For the last three years I've struggled to try and find a new beginning, but everything I've tried has failed. Now I'm really at rock bottom.

    I'm on meds and have a psychiatrist, but nothing is helping. If they could take away the depression, the underlying problems would still be there. Basically I feel I have completely failed at my one shot at life, so now what's the point of hanging around being lonely and depressed for the next 30 or 40 years.

    Don't tell me not to give up, I've been "not giving up" for the last 3 years, while things have steadily gone from bad to desperate. I seem to be incapable of making anything work out any more. I'm resigned to not having the love of my children or another woman, or even grandchildren. All the things that other people seem to take for granted have eluded me. I'm now destitute and struggling to even feed myself. Where the f**k am I supposed to get hope from?

    The preparations I've made are still in place and all it will take now is the will power to go through with it - yet still I'm hoping for some miracle. I guess that shows what a fool I am.

    Seeing many of the threads on here just makes me realise that I'm not alone in feeling like this, but it doesn't produce any answers. Oh God I'm so desperate!
  2. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    I dont' know what to tell you. I don't want to tell you things will get better, i'm no psychic and i can't tell the future. But my friend always says that if you take your life today you will never know what might have happened tomorrow. You might win the lottery tomorrow! You just never know.
    I know how hard it is and i know that it takes so much strength just to carry on but i know you can do.
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Gypsy,
    :shake::welcome: You have come to the right place. the ppl here on the forum are very supportive! They have gotten me to open up and now they can't shut me up.
    I see you already see a shrink, now you need to add a therapist, not a counselor they don't dig down deep to find out what is actually happening with you.
    A therapist delves into your life and brings all those negative thoughts to the surface so you both can work on resolving them. I have alot of respect for mine. I am an Isolationist with augoriphobia and socialphobia amongst alot of other issues. She has actually gotten me to start venturing out a little at a time. I am even driving my self to appts. I think a therapist helps more than a shrink. all they do is pass out the meds and hope it makes you feel better. Please give it a try. You might be surprised at how you feel after spilling your guts to her/him. Take Care My Friend!!~Joseph~
  4. boagypsy

    boagypsy New Member

    Thanks, I've got a vague promise of CBT, but there's a long waiting list. In the meantime I've been offered some relaxation techniques - I'm so spaced out on the meds that I'm not sure what relaxation is going to do for me.

    I know you are right. I know my problems go far back into childhood and every negative experience since has just built up on those foundations of insecurity and self-loathing.

    Well, I've managed to get through the day time today, but now the darkness is making me feel trapped and desperate again. The only respite I get is sleep, which thankfully now is deep because of the meds, but I pay for that in the morning when I wake up and realise its all... still...there.
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