Hi there, I'm normally a happy, positive person. I'm always looking on the bright side and trying to make others laugh. I stand up for everyone else it seems, but I am becoming my own worst enemy. I am a brutal perfectionist no matter how hard I try to care less about things I do wrong. It's like I know no one sees my mistakes as much as I think they do. I don't want to care what others think. But the anxiety is there and a lot of times it ruins my mood and even causes me to make a fool out of myself when I go out in public. I have many good friends here but I segregate myself because I'm so scared of screwing up. It sounds silly as I write this. I'm trying so hard to just be real with my emotions, but once I start to get down, ultimately it becomes "I am worthless. I will always be a retard, or a piece of shit" I start believing that I make mistakes because something is wrong with my mind, but I forget that being in the service is stressful and that it's ok to feel so stressed that you're in a "cloud". Plus going through a great relationship that came to an end again because of my depression has me feeling that I'll never find someone that can stand to be around me as long as I have this depression. It helps just to write this all out. It really does and thank you to anyone who has read this whole thing I don't want to feel suicidal any more. I know the high sides of life are so great it's worth living through the hard times, and I've been to all kinds of therapy, yet suicidal thoughts and worthlessness always comes back to haunt me. Any advice is appreciated!