Searching for hope, but thoughts of suicide are still there

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Kristina, Oct 11, 2016.

  1. Kristina

    Kristina Member

    Hi there,

    I'm normally a happy, positive person. I'm always looking on the bright side and trying to make others laugh. I stand up for everyone else it seems, but I am becoming my own worst enemy. I am a brutal perfectionist no matter how hard I try to care less about things I do wrong. It's like I know no one sees my mistakes as much as I think they do. I don't want to care what others think. But the anxiety is there and a lot of times it ruins my mood and even causes me to make a fool out of myself when I go out in public. I have many good friends here but I segregate myself because I'm so scared of screwing up. It sounds silly as I write this. I'm trying so hard to just be real with my emotions, but once I start to get down, ultimately it becomes "I am worthless. I will always be a retard, or a piece of shit" I start believing that I make mistakes because something is wrong with my mind, but I forget that being in the service is stressful and that it's ok to feel so stressed that you're in a "cloud". Plus going through a great relationship that came to an end again because of my depression has me feeling that I'll never find someone that can stand to be around me as long as I have this depression. It helps just to write this all out. It really does and thank you to anyone who has read this whole thing :) I don't want to feel suicidal any more. I know the high sides of life are so great it's worth living through the hard times, and I've been to all kinds of therapy, yet suicidal thoughts and worthlessness always comes back to haunt me. Any advice is appreciated!
  2. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Hello Kristina, I am Mox

    Thank you for joining us here at SF. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know that is not an easy thing to do. If you get really bored feel free to read mine, below in green. Just know that when you are here, you are safe. No one will ever judge you. No one will ever ridicule you. We will embrace you as a member of our community. You are with friends. If you are having a good day, awesome. If you are having a bad day, not awesome. Let us know, we will help you. You are a part of us. We accept you just as you are. We will give you lots of emotional support and lots of hugs. I tend to ask a lot of questions, not belittling you. I am just making sure I understand your situation. That way I can help you the best. All I want is for you to be happy and to be safe. That's all.

    First *hug

    You mention having suicidal thoughts, ok I do too. I know what it feels like, it feels really scary , and very overwhelming. If you like I could tell you my understanding of what causes suicidal thoughts.

    Ok, 1 thing you are definitely not is dumb. I already know this about you, your story is very well told, good grammar. You are not worthless, I value you as a fellow person. The third one, nope, not buying that.

    You seem like a good person, that has some bad things happen to her. Some of these may be your own mistakes, some of these are not. You mention being in the service, what kind of service are you in?

    What did you mean by "cloud"? I didn't understand that, could you explain it another way please. Please use small words, I am just a man. =)

    Ok you mention having a lot of anxiety and depression. Are you seeing any kind of mental health specialist for these conditions? If you are hanging out on a place called Suicide Forums, it is probably a good idea. What coping mechanisms do you use, when you feel this horrible way.

    I am sorry you had a great relationship end. I know it hurts. Look back at it, and try to learn from it. What did you do right? What do you maybe need to work on? Carry those lessons forward.

    I like that you mention, you have good friends. That is very important. Don't worry about screwing up with them. They are your friends, it is ok. If it is not ok, they were not a friend. Everyone makes mistakes. It is how we handle these mistakes that matter most. You are not perfect doll, that is ok.

    Please be kinder to yourself, you sound like you are very hard on yourself. Try to learn how to love yourself. You are not perfect, that is fine. have PTSD? I have it too. It is not fun, the nightmares, and such.

    Feel free to PM/IM me anytime, you want to chat.

    Wishing you the best

    Take Care
  3. Kristina

    Kristina Member

    Thank you for all of your kind words and for sharing your experience to help me :) I would love to hear your understanding of what causes suicidal thoughts! I feel like the more I educate myself, the more likely I am to beat it!

    I'm in the coast guard. I got stationed in a beautiful area on a ship with incredible people. Much better than my land unit I was at before. And I felt terrible because the nervousness and awkward manurisms I retained from my last unit carried over here. Everything was going great until I started making myself insecure. I had to make the decision when I felt thoughts of suicide coming on, to report myself at the risk of losing my job, which is about to happen soon. I will get medical discharge which is good but I can't help but feel like a quitter, and it drives me insane that I couldn't handle more than 5 years of service.
    I have a plan for when I get out of the service, but I feel like I'm losing everything. I have my daughter up to my best friends who can't have kids of their own. I love that she is with them, but I did it because I figured myself to be too incompetent of being a mother. I gave up my dog to my grandparents. And now I'm giving up my job. It's just all kind of falling apart right now, but I have confidence that things will get better. It's just hard when I'm stuck with Alpha male personalities all the time and all I want to do is find a way to end my life. It's sad and I could never harm my dad by doing that, but the feeling and intention is so strong it's terrifying.
    When I say "in a cloud" I feel like I can't focus on anything. People saying things to me and I don't comprehend a single word because all I'm thinking of are my troubles. I can't see or hear anything. It's like I'm lost in space. It's silly for a short period of time, but I grow disgusted with how much of a jerk I look like when I'm "ignoring" everyone. I refuse to take meds. I feel like taking them in the past for so long is what lead me to be worse than what I was before.
    Thank you again for hearing me out! I will definitely check out your story!
  4. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Me again =)

    We have somewhat similar stories, I was medically discharged from the Navy. I had colitis, and the medicine from the colitis , caused me to have seizures. So I was med-boarded out of the Navy in 94. The Navy totally failed in my medical treatment , and providing me with adequate care. But, that is another story. Let's focus on you , and helping you.

    5 years of service is AWESOME!!!!!!! I only did 2. Listen to me, you did the right thing. You felt like you were getting dangerous of hurting yourself. You raised your hand , and said you needed help. There is nothing wrong with that. That is what exactly you are supposed to do. Don't suffer in silence, like I did when I was getting sicker, but I was too scared to tell anyone. Ok, enough talk of me let's help you you out.

    Ok my understanding of suicide is this. Think of our brains are like a car's speedometer. If you push the car past what the speedometer can register, the car will break down. It was not designed to go that fast. Our brains work in a similar fashion, but instead of speed, they deal with stress. When you are receiving more stress than you handle, our brains break down. When that happens it starts sending out suicidal thoughts , because our brains are not designed to handle that amount of stress. So to stop the thoughts you can either reduce your stress my removing whatever is stressing you out.

    Or you can find another way to manage the stress you are feeling. Like start going to a gym to workout. Writing in a journal has personally helped me. It helps me to get the thoughts out of my head and onto a piece of paper. You can them see them written down, and maybe it makes more sense to you.

    I feel like we should change this from a public discussion, to a private one. That will allow us to more freely what we are going through. Would you be open to that?

    Take Care
    Kristina likes this.
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. You are struggling on your own at the moment but you don't have to no longer. We welcome YOU to the SF family where you have noticed we care for anyone in the world. YOU do not have to struggle on own as YOU have joined us and we can relate to your thoughts and feelings.

    You have struggled mentally a lot over the years but it seems to a case of self-esteem issues. As a perfectionist, have you been diagnosed with any conditions such as OCD?
    I am not trying judge and if I have caused any offence then I apologise. All I am trying to do is to reassure YOU that there others like YOU in the world.

    I respect YOU that you don't want to take medication for the courageous job you are currently doing. No doubt if you do take medication it may have an impact on your career. I respect that but sometimes when you reach rock bottom, it might be worth considering meds. There is nothing wrong with taking meds but it can take up to six weeks to kick in. Struggling on your own is no doubt the most harrowing and stressful experience YOU can face. Trying to finalise everything is horrible as well but we can PULL YOU THROUGH THIS TOUGH PERIOD OF YOUR LIFE. Like,@moxman said trying a journal will help YOU get through your this tough period of your life. I know YOU are hurting a lot but PLEASE REFRAME FROM ANY PLANS YOU HAVE AS ITS IMPORTANT. When YOU reach rock bottom, like I have, you realise that LIFE IS IMPORTANT AND THAT INCLUDES YOU.

    I hope these words help YOU in your struggle but please remember we care here for YOU. YOU do have the strength to move on with our help and support. So please DO NOT GIVE UP as YOU CAN MAKE IT.

    Please take care and keep posting here.

    PS. Use the elastic band method to help overcome any thoughts of the "final committment" as it has worked for me since joining this forum.
    SunShine1973 and moxman like this.
  6. SunShine1973

    SunShine1973 Active Member

    Hi there Kristina.

    I just wanted to firstly thank you for your post. I can so relate to your issues regarding perfectionism and having bad thoughts towards yourself I do have become overwhelmed by this behaviour recently so much so that I've had to take some time off of work which again makes me give myself a hard time that I'm not good enough. My brain has become so confused into a state of which mox has described with the speedometer of a car so I truly understand how overwhelming this can be. I personally have had to ask for some help medically and have been given some medication to help me which has been extremely effective even if it's just going to be temporary and not long term meds so there are those available to help short term which I wasn't aware of before asking for help I am on long term meds to however I respect your reasons to not take meds I just thought I would let you know there are useful meds for short term use if you wanted to try them.

    I understand what you mean by the being in a cloud as in you just can't concentrate on anything I to have serious issues to concerntrate on anything at the moment I have tried to set myself much smaller goals and be kind to myself that I have achieved those things rather than telling myself how crap I am I've made a list of the things I've achieved each day even as simple as getting out of bed preparing a meal for my family, logging into SF and finding something inspirational to read I've been doing this for about a week now since I joined the forum and my progress has been slow but my thoughts of thinking that there is no hope and no way out for me other than suicide are diminishing gradually I hope you find the site helpful I would be happy to speak to you anytime Xx
    moxman likes this.
  7. Kristina

    Kristina Member

    Thank you all so much to take the time to help me out. I just realized how great it makes me feel that complete strangers out there are so willing to help :) and for the co workers I am afraid to confront, this is really helping me level out my thoughts before I approach them. I want to point out that one of the worst things I do when I start calling myself a "retard" is dehumanize myself. I start treating myself like less than what any person deserves to be treated. And people around you can only respect you as much as you respect yourself. Being a woman who was raised to put others first and never ask for anything (wait until it's given to you) I struggle with self respect. But one thing that really helps is setting and achieving high goals, taking risks. I changed my buddies radiator with no clue as to what I was doing the other day and then swapped out a converter in my camper. When I realized I had done all these neat things with or without mistakes (accidentally opened her refrigerant line into my face lol) I felt awesome. And it felt strange to feel pride but it was there. That's prides place in your life, when you grow stronger in any aspect of your being! I loved it! And I can't let negative emotions erase that! I know I'll hit hard times but I'll be stronger every time! And when I hit rock bottom I now have this wonderful site and you incredible selfless people to help me bounce back :) medication was a big part in my healing. I tried three but ultimately didn't feel like myself with any of them. Since I have come off of them, I only want to use them as a last resort with my healing process :) I'm sure there are better ones out there for me too. I've tried Zoloft, Effexor, and elexopram? Thank you again for all the advice! I'll keep these messages in case I get down again!
  8. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    I want to hear this story. =)
  9. Kristina

    Kristina Member

    Hahaha those metal lines that run up the sides of the radiator. Yeah don't loosen those bolts hahaha turned my cheek green! But that's about it no damage! (I think!)
    moxman likes this.
  10. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    You sound like an amazing person. You sound like you are a real sweetheart.

    Ok, explain this to me. Tell me everything.

    Ok, that is perfectly fine. Whatever works best for you. Everyone has different needs, if you feel like you can take care of yourself by doing non-medication things. That is great. If you try that , and it doesn't work out too well, give the meds another try.

    Any idea of when you are getting med-boarded out of the Coast Guard? I have already been through this process. I can share with you , what happened to me , and such. But I would prefer to have this conversation in private, because we are talking about very personal details. It is not anyone else's business. Does that sound fair to you?

    Wishing you the best

    Take Care
  11. Kristina

    Kristina Member

    Sure thing! Could you explain how to send personal messages on this? I'm bad with computers lol

    Yeah, to be totally honest there's no actual evidence that my co workers think bad of me, but you just get this feeling like they might be talking behind your back or wondering why they never invite you out. Confronting them would clear things up for sure, but it's hard to do that when you're in that state of mind. It could most likely be nothing, too, but my mind keeps screaming at me "they're telling stories about you and they don't like you!" I know that it's best to not care what people think, but that's easier said than done when you see fellow coasties investigated over a simple rumor. I have hope that it's not that bad though. I try to remind myself that I personally know I haven't done anything wrong, and if I did they should tell me.
  12. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Hey, me again =)

    I am going to go ahead and send you a conversation, you just have to hit the reply button. If you get confused about something, just IM me. I will never get mad at you.

    Always trust your instincts.

    You really sound like you are a very sweet person. You just sound very confused about a lot of things. You have a hard time reading other people's body language, and have a hard time communicating socially? Is that something you would agree with?