I am very self-critical, and I constantly question why I exist. I am 19 years old, yet I am also lazy, emotionally sensitive, unemployed, and don't even have a driver's license. I am very spoiled and childish, yet my family and friends say I'm nice, special, and have a lot of potential. I don't see that in me... I know that if I took my life, my parents would have less stress, and they would save thousands of dollars that would have been wasted on me. I have lost time to be happy and spend with my friends because I am depressed. My dream in life is to publish novels and work with someone who can draw to publish Japanese manga. It seems impossible though... everyone tells me I need to look for a high-paying job, and my mom says I need to find another dream and leave my current dream as something to do on the side. But... there's nothing else I want to do! I don't want to be a doctor, a teacher, accountant, etc.! What's the point? We're all gonna die anyway, and every minute we spend suffering, we have the option of ending that suffering and resting in eternal nothingness! I am lazy, and pathetic... I want to change my ways, but I know I won't get good grades in college or ever be good enough to hold down a job. I feel overwhelmed... I'm scared of doing bad in class, I'm scared of not being able to pay for college, and I'm sick of not being happy! I don't look at what makes me happy, I look at what makes other people happy! How are they happy when I can't be?! And why does my happiness matter? It will fade away... I regret not spending more time with friends and family. But they don't care about my interests, or my passion for writing. If nobody cares, and if I will never make it on my own, why am I alive? And why am I too scared to kill myself? ...Why can't someone else just kill me and not face the consequences? What's wrong with suicide? I have a right to die, nobody can say I have to live if I find life meaningless! It's my life, why should other people control if I live or not? Are they God? No they are not! I can't be forced to live, because my life is in my hands!