Searching for meaning

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TheScarletSaiyan, Jan 14, 2014.

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  1. TheScarletSaiyan

    TheScarletSaiyan New Member

    I am very self-critical, and I constantly question why I exist. I am 19 years old, yet I am also lazy, emotionally sensitive, unemployed, and don't even have a driver's license. I am very spoiled and childish, yet my family and friends say I'm nice, special, and have a lot of potential. I don't see that in me... I know that if I took my life, my parents would have less stress, and they would save thousands of dollars that would have been wasted on me. I have lost time to be happy and spend with my friends because I am depressed.

    My dream in life is to publish novels and work with someone who can draw to publish Japanese manga. It seems impossible though... everyone tells me I need to look for a high-paying job, and my mom says I need to find another dream and leave my current dream as something to do on the side. But... there's nothing else I want to do! I don't want to be a doctor, a teacher, accountant, etc.! What's the point? We're all gonna die anyway, and every minute we spend suffering, we have the option of ending that suffering and resting in eternal nothingness! I am lazy, and pathetic... I want to change my ways, but I know I won't get good grades in college or ever be good enough to hold down a job. I feel overwhelmed... I'm scared of doing bad in class, I'm scared of not being able to pay for college, and I'm sick of not being happy! I don't look at what makes me happy, I look at what makes other people happy! How are they happy when I can't be?! And why does my happiness matter? It will fade away... I regret not spending more time with friends and family. But they don't care about my interests, or my passion for writing. If nobody cares, and if I will never make it on my own, why am I alive? And why am I too scared to kill myself? ...Why can't someone else just kill me and not face the consequences? What's wrong with suicide? I have a right to die, nobody can say I have to live if I find life meaningless! It's my life, why should other people control if I live or not? Are they God? No they are not! I can't be forced to live, because my life is in my hands!
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Your life likely feels meaningless to you right now because up until now it has been controlled by others. You are now an adult that allows you to start making the choices, and along with that freedom naturally there is fear and responsibility. If you are not ready for college yet then that is a choice. If you want to write novels you would be best served with some actual training and education in that but that is also your choice. I believe your parents mean well as they are expressing their experience in how very difficult it is to be successful in your chosen field and encouraging you to have more than one option available to you. I have had tow distinctly different careers in my life and now doing a third thing still more different. What you want to do now or what you do decide to do now has little or no bearing on what you will do or want to do in 10 years. Try not to be in a hurry - try being an adult for a year or two doing something and then decide the path that will be right for you.

    Take Care and Be Safe

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