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searching for peace

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This is my first time doing something like this, but what can it hurt. On June 28,2010 I received the call that would turn my world upside down and change me forever. My husband paged me at work and when I called him back he told me that my grandma was dead and that my mother had killed herself. The chain of events after that and the facts that soon came to light had me questioning if I ever truely knew my mother. It is a very long and complicated story, with so many twist and turns it seems like a novel or movie. Unfortunatly it was my reality. Later that day I discovered my grandmother had actually been dead for at least a week and my mom had hid it from us. Again, a long and complicated story which I Don't mind sharing if anyone wants more details. All I know for sure is that my mom was the most loving and caring person I know, she would do or give anything for others but would never ask for help for herself. Today is her birthday and I would give anything to be able to hug her and tell her how much I love her. It was just me and her growing up, no siblings or father, so I feel like such a huge piece of me is missing. I am tired of the anger I feel towards her...why didn't she ask for help or let anyone know what she was going through? How could she hurt me and my children so deeply when she had always been our protector? Why didn't I see it coming? How could I miss the signs when we had always been so close? I'm sorry..I know this is getting way too long, I just need to vent. I feel like nobody understands how I feel, even though they say they do. I just want to let go of the anger. I know I will always miss my mom and I will never have the answers I need, but I just want the anger to go away. It is so frustrating loving and missing someone soo much and being mad at them at the same time.


Fiber Artist
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Welcome to SF.

I am sorry for your loss. It does indeed sound like a complicated journey.

We are here for you. Keep posting.

I wish you well.


Active Member
I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing two important people so suddenly is terrible. You should know, though, that it's entirely natural to feel anger towards her. It was through her own hand that she took her life and hurt you and your children. It can be hard to accept that someone would do something that seems so selfish, but it's important to understand that for people in pain it seems like the best option. It can be hard to stay grounded and get through the struggle. I didn't know her, but I'm guessing she never meant to hurt you. To get over my own anger at my friends' suicides, I just reminded myself that it was their way of ending the pain and I have to accept it because there's no way to change it. The anger subsides in different ways for everyone.

Please remember that it is not your fault that you didn't see it coming. Unless she wanted you to know, it's very hard to tell. No one in my life knows how depressed I am. Like many others, I've learned to hide it very well in order to function like a normal person in society. A week ago I was hospitalized for intoxication, and because I told the medics that it was the anniversary of my friend's suicide, they put me in psych. I called my best friend from there, who has been MHA'ed several times, and she said that it was crazy that I was there because I was the happiest person she knows and didn't want to kill myself at all. As ironic as that was, it just goes to show that when people are skilled at hiding it, not even those closest to them can tell what's going on. You can't blame yourself because your mother didn't reach out to you. There could be several reasons for it, and it's hard to understand why our loved ones thought we wouldn't be there for them, but it happens. Maybe they'd gotten negative reactions in the past, or maybe they felt ashamed, I don't know. I still struggle with the fact that none of my friends reached out to me. I would have been there for them. I can't speak as to why your mother didn't seek help, but don't blame yourself. None of it was your fault.

I wish I could help with the hurt. Grief is difficult enough without the anger and frustration that comes with a suicide. I hope you get the support you're looking for from this forum
Hi there
I am sorry for your loss, too
even though i really don't understand how you truly feel.

However, you should try to understand things from a more positive way.

For example,
Maybe she didn't ask you for help because she doesn't want to also sadden you. After all, she always had been the protector.
Perhaps she didn't mean to hurt you or anyone else but instead, just tried to be the only one taking the hard hit.
or perhaps she just think you are already strong enough and doesn't need her protection anymore. Perhaps, it's only the break time to her.

Btw, I think I as well as everyone here would love to lend a listening ear if you want to just let out more.
In fact, please let out more 'cuz this place is exactly created for that.


Well-Known Member
Thank you all for your kind words. I am not only trying to with the loss of my mother and best friend, but also trying to prevent myself from going down the same path. I am on medication and have went to support groups but the depression still lingers. At this point I can say that I would never go as far as suicide because I could never cause that kind of pain to my children, but I must admit it has crossed my mind. Then I recall the pain and confusion we have already suffered and I know I could never do that to my loved ones. I hope I remain in this state of mind and I feel this forum is a great tool for my healing:)


Well-Known Member
feel like nobody understands how I feel, even though they say they do. I just want to let go of the anger. I know I will always miss my mom and I will never have the answers I need, but I just want the anger to go away. It is so frustrating loving and missing someone soo much and being mad at them at the same time.
Hello and welcome to the forums, i'm here to help you whenever you need help. I'm here to offer you as much understanding and support as you need.

Feel free to send me a PM!
I can relate to how you feel. Like the inside of me ready to go off at any time.
I wonder why she didn't tell me too. We were so close. We talked about everything. I guess I will never know the answers.


Well-Known Member
It is really hard having so many questions we will never get answers to. When my mom died, we found out that my grandma had also died and she had left her in her house for at least a week. She lied to my family and had told us she was in hospice but kept making excuses why we couldn't see her yet. I saw my mom the day before she took her life and I asked her what was wrong, she just said she was tired. I asked how grandma was , she said the same. How I wish I could go back and somehow know what she was really feeling. Then I get angry at her...how could she just leave my grandma there to rot? She didn't desreve that. Maybe something inside my mother snapped when my grandma died. I know she was with her when she passed, she was always there with her. We would always offer to help but she told us everything was fine, she even told us that a hospice nurse was going to the house to care for my mom when she had to work. We worked at the same hospital and I saw her there everyday, she never let on what she was going through. I lost my job in august due to call ins. I had some medical issues that contributed to that, but a lot of it was I couldn't bear being there anymore. She knew everyone there and they all knew I was her daughter so I would always get the sad looks passing in the halls. My lunch breaks were spent alone staring at the empty seat that she used to fill. Ok I'm rambling..I'm. Done for now
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